Reportedly at wit's end with Miguel Sano's conditioning, inconsistent play, and inability to play the wrong position for the first two months of the year, team sources say the Minnesota Twins are looking to send the slugger to a local elementary school to "refresh his thinking."
"The plan is simple," said a front office source. "He starts in kindergarten. He learns valuable lessons about responsibility, getting along with others, and sharing. Then he moves on to first grade, second grade, and so forth."
This plan, it should be noted, is an exact replica of the 1995 Adam Sandler vehicle, Billy Madison. When asked to comment if this was purposeful, the front office source was noncommittal.
"Lots of things go into these kind of decisions. Did the manager watch that movie at the team hotel and start brainstorming? Frankly, that's idle speculation I won't get into."
Players wouldn't comment on the topic, but one did say he was a fan of the movie.
"That's a funny movie, lots of laughs," said first baseman Joe Mauer. "'Nudie magazine day!' is a pretty funny line, but you'd get in a lot of trouble with mom if it was real."
Earlier reports suggesting Sano might be sent to the minors when Trevor Plouffe was healthy were dismissed by the front office source.
"He's one of our best young players," said the source. "You'd have to be crazy to even think about doing something that fucking stupid. I mean, we'll send a grown-ass man to repeat kindergarten through 12th grade, but we're not idiots."