Game CX: Twins @ Rays, Sterling Archer Edition

Opponent SB Site: DRays Bay

So the Minnesota Twins are playing the Tampa Bay Rays today. I guess the Twins are named after the Twin Cities, and their names are "Minnie" and "Paul." C'mon, Minnesota. Your state has a rich Scandinavian/German heritage, and you couldn't name your logos "Annika" and "Inga"? Put one in a ski costume, the other as a buxom barmaid? You disappoint me.

The Rays have Chris Archer pitching today. He's been a disappointment to the family, I won't lie -- baseball is boring, and the beer vendors sell alcohol that's less flavorful than Kool-Aid, but he does throw a 94 MPH fastball, 87 slider, and 86 change. He's not unskilled. Cousin Chris, you could have gone into a real career like building demolition, but you are adequately gifted at the job you do.

His mound opponent (phrasing!) is Jose Berrios, a Twins rookie. Who's struggled occasionally and sometimes dominated foes. Shit, buddy, who doesn't get lazy sometimes and then kick some ass? I feel ya, pal. Or should I say, "hombre." Is that what they say? I'm not sure what the lingo is in Dominican Paraguay or, wherever. (BUUURP)

Intel:

Yeah, those Berrios numbers are bad, but he'll be alright. Man has 10.7 K/9, he's fine. And yes, I checked to see if I typed 10.7 in two sections by accident. I'm drunk, not stupid. I can still tell the difference between brandy and cognac. What, you don't know what the difference is? Do I have to explain everything to you? It has to do with the grapes and distilling and -- hang on, I'm not explaining this shit right now. Enjoy the game.

Lineups: