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Game CX: Twins @ Rays, Sterling Archer Edition

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You know why Roman numerals are cool? Because Italy is cool. I mean Rome, sure, it's full of twerps on scooters, but Mediterranean women and it being scoially acceptable for old guys to sit on the sidewalk drinking wine all day? What's not to love?

These people are called "voice actors." Since when is that a thing?
These people are called "voice actors." Since when is that a thing?
Michael Kovac/Getty Images

Opponent SB Site: DRays Bay

So the Minnesota Twins are playing the Tampa Bay Rays today. I guess the Twins are named after the Twin Cities, and their names are "Minnie" and "Paul." C'mon, Minnesota. Your state has a rich Scandinavian/German heritage, and you couldn't name your logos "Annika" and "Inga"? Put one in a ski costume, the other as a buxom barmaid? You disappoint me.

The Rays have Chris Archer pitching today. He's been a disappointment to the family, I won't lie -- baseball is boring, and the beer vendors sell alcohol that's less flavorful than Kool-Aid, but he does throw a 94 MPH fastball, 87 slider, and 86 change. He's not unskilled. Cousin Chris, you could have gone into a real career like building demolition, but you are adequately gifted at the job you do.

His mound opponent (phrasing!) is Jose Berrios, a Twins rookie. Who's struggled occasionally and sometimes dominated foes. Shit, buddy, who doesn't get lazy sometimes and then kick some ass? I feel ya, pal. Or should I say, "hombre." Is that what they say? I'm not sure what the lingo is in Dominican Paraguay or, wherever. (BUUURP)

Intel:

ERA H/9 K/9 BB/9 HR/9 OPS v L/R BAbip FIP
Archer 4.38
8.6
10.5
3.4
1.4
.741/.736
.311
4.02
Berrios 8.57
10.7
10.7
5.1
2.1
.847/1.079
.370
5.84

Yeah, those Berrios numbers are bad, but he'll be alright. Man has 10.7 K/9, he's fine. And yes, I checked to see if I typed 10.7 in two sections by accident. I'm drunk, not stupid. I can still tell the difference between brandy and cognac. What, you don't know what the difference is? Do I have to explain everything to you? It has to do with the grapes and distilling and -- hang on, I'm not explaining this shit right now. Enjoy the game.

Lineups:

Sexy Twins Devil Rays
Brian Dozier, 2B
Logan Forsythe, 2B
Joe Mauer, 1B
Kevin Kiermaier, CF
Max Kepler, RF
Evan Longoria, 3B
Miguel Sano, DH
Brad Miller, SS
Eddie Rosario, CF
Nick Franklin, LF
Eduardo Escobar, SS Corey Dickerson, DH
Jorge Polanco, 3B Steven Souza Jr., RF
Kurt Suzuki, C Tim Beckham, 1B
Danny Santana, LF
Bobby Wilson, C