The beaten-down Minnesota Twins promotions team half-seriously considered making “2016 AMERICAN LEAGUE SPOILERS” T-shirts on Thursday, per multiple depressed sources.
“We split with the Tigers, who really needed to take three of four minimum,” said one clubhouse source between heavy sighs. “One of our interns just kind of joked that we should do a spoiler promo, and it got quiet. You couldn’t even hear people logging on to CareerBuilder.”
Another source close to the department sadly confirmed that the idea was seriously considered.
“Someone laughed it off, but then one of the big hitters said, ‘You got a better idea, Karen? Do you?’ Then they both started crying.”
“Crying hasn’t been unusual here. I’m crying right now. But yeah, once they composed themselves, we got to work.”
Calling attention to another September where the Twins were reduced to wreaking havoc on better teams’ playoff chances was a concern, said the clubhouse source.
“Nobody’s happy with this situation. I never smoked until this year. I’m 58 years old. Now? Three packs a day. God, they taste soooo good. Have you ever smoked? Christ, it’s amazing. No wonder they’re trying to make it illegal.
“Anyway, yeah, it’s embarrassing that we’re the spoiler again, but we need asses in seats for these last few games. Millennials love irony, right? I bet they’ll wear the shit out of these things. You got a light?”
While the shirts are unlikely to see the light of day, no other promotions ideas have caught fire in the season’s waning days.
“We’ve got nothing else,” said the promotions source. “We are tapped out. If we just gave everyone $25 bucks who walked in the door, you think that would work? Maybe get one of those pretty-boy country shitkickers to do a concert in the bleachers.”
The source paused to light a new cigarette with the butt of her old cigarette.
“Son of a bitch. You got Luke Bryan’s number?”