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Gore-Drenched, Old-Timey Doctors Give Twins Medical Staff Passing Grade

"Bloodletting gets the bad humours out. Modern medicine forgets that."

ask for tinctures they always work
ask for tinctures they always work
Canada Science and Technology Museum/Flickr

While the Twins medical staff has come under fire in recent years for alleged misdiagnoses and reliance on "rest and rehab" when surgery is needed, 18th-century physicans, their white surgical aprons smeared in blood, brain, and hair, have rushed to their defense.

"Old boy, if you've a better way to help the sports man with his troubled phlogiston, I'd be delighted to hear it," said Dr. Severn Hewitt, wiping urine and bits of bone off his glasses. "The good lord made saws and leather straps for a reason. A cigarette for health, and they're on their way."

The latest incident, in which it was revealed that Twins pitcher Trevor May pitched with a stress fracture in his back the entire season, has reignited criticism of the team's doctors and trainers. Physicians from a time long since past say this is simple hindsight at best. Frontier dentist Dr. Ulysses Boor, his gloveless hands spattered in blood and tooth fragments, was animated in his defense of the team.

"I say 'Fie' to the critics and backbiters. A simple spot of cocaine, a tank of nitrous, and a trusty hook are all I've needed to keep half of my patients alive and with some of their own teeth. This mob has never been in the arena."

He later added, "Bloodletting gets the bad humours out. Modern medicine forgets that."

Dr. Wharton Briggs, completely out of his mind on opium, said that, while some errors were made, the criticism was overblown.

"I've not seen in any of the broadsheets any mention of leeches. If the baseballers aren't using leeches, they're susceptible to weak nerves and colic. An absence of leeches 'tis a legitimate problem. But oft-times, this isn't the team doctor's fault. A good basin of leeches is hard to come by, and if all you have is company scrip? Good luck."

As for advice going forward, the old-timey doctors agreed there is one element the team could focus on.

"Morphine," said Dr. Boor. "The athletic man's bodily complaints and tender bowels can all be resolved by morphine. I strongly believe this."

"Indeed," agreed Dr. Hewitt. "All your gleaming machines and witchery are simply no match for the morphine elixir. I've seen women in the throes of childbirth take fearsome swallows of the stuff. The ones who survive have strong, capable children who are handy in the fields. They are also desperate fiends for morphine, but side effects are expected."