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Sight Unseen, Your Grandpa Straight Up Hates Derek Falvey

"He is too young to be worth a darn. This pizza is cold."

your waking nightmare
your waking nightmare
Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

Your grandpa Henry, who lives and dies with the Minnesota Twins, released an official statement condemning the Twins' hiring of Derek Falvey as their Director of Baseball Operations at your cousin Megan's birthday party on Thursday night.

"33 years old? Judas Priest," he exclaimed to those within earshot in the party room at Maple Grove's Chuck E. Cheese.

"He is too young to be worth a darn. This pizza is cold," he groused, before finishing the slice of plain cheese pizza and getting up to refill his Pepsi.

Grandpa Henry, who still gets visibly upset about the Twins not being on WCCO anymore ("Lose the Twins, keep Sid? I tell you what, it's a debacle is what it is."), said he wasn't expecting a big-name hire, but Falvey was extra disappointing.

"The Yankees can hire whoever they want, but you'd think we'd at least get someone who has been around the game," grumbled one of your two living grandfathers (Allen, who lives in Gilbert, Arizona, was unable to attend, and only likes golf anyway). "We get some kid barely out of diapers instead. Typical. Don't know why I expected any different. Can't ever have anything nice in Minnesota."

When your dad made the mistake of pointing out that the Twins won two titles with the young Andy MacPhail as the GM, Grandpa Henry dabbed his lips with a paper napkin and raised his voice to be heard over the Chuck E. Cheese Band, which was playing "Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes" for the third time since you got there.

"Andy MacPhail was only good because TK (former manager Tom Kelly) bailed him out. Young guys think numbers and feelings can win you a title. It takes..." Grandpa Henry's voice trailed off, as he appeared to realize he was about to use a swear in front of your Grandma Lois and Megan's six friends from 3rd grade, and he knew that's all he'd hear about from Grandma Lois the rest of the week.

"It takes a lot more than that," he concluded. "Where's the washroom around here?" Your mom pointed to the hallway right off the entry, and Grandpa Henry got up. "Glad the pop is free, but my prostate sure isn't," he said. Megan's friend Maddysen asked, "What's a prostate?" to the other kids. You laughed and your mom gave you a look.