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BREAKING: more hacked Twins emails released

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TwinkiLeaks hacked emails show it’s worse than we thought

EMC Satellite Earth Station At Raisting
“Pssst! I think they’re spying on us.”
Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images

The mysterious group from Iceland calling itself, “TwinkiLeaks” has released more emails from David “Dave” St. Peter’s cell phone. This batch is a correspondence between St Peter and the Twins new Viceroy of Baseball Operations, Derek Falvey.


From: Dave St Peter [UNDHockeyDave85@minnesotatwins.com]

To: Derek Falvey [TheFalveyGuy@minnesotatwins.com]

Date: December 9, 2016 9:31 AM

Subject: Hej Derek!

Hej there, Derek!

How’s it going there then? Looks like we're in for more snow, just a couple of inches this time but it adds up don’t ya know. Anyhoo, Jim Pohlad wanted me to tell you that he thought you did a great job with that whole Justin Haley deal. That’s just the sort of thing we’re trying for here. Making it look like we’re doing something here without actually doing much at all.

And as far as trading Dozier goes, he says to “don’t worry about anyone’s feelings” and to drag it out as long as possible, try to get as many prospective players as possible that will be good enough to play in the majors without making us a REALLY good team in the end. Uffda, baseball sure is crazy, eh? Haha!

Regards,

Dave

December 9, 2016 at 9:36 AM Derek Falvey wrote:

Hi Dave,

I’m so glad to hear Jim approves of the Haley deal. I had to call in some favors with some friends of mine on the Padres to pull it off and end up where we started, but it was worth it.

RE: Dozier - My plan is to string this out as long as possible. I’m getting offers already and so far I won’t take “yes” for an answer. I’m going to set an impossibly high bar and then set a deadline for it to drive up the price. Then I’m going to say there never was a deadline and start all over again. If it works, Dozier will be begging to leave, which will get us off the hook with the fans, and we’ll net the biggest collection of near-miss prospects and misfits you’ve ever seen in return.

I’ve been knolling some of the office supplies in the sliding drawer on my desk. Here’s what I got so far:

  • 2 pens, click ball-point, blue ink, medium point
  • 1 pen, ball-point straight, black ink, medium point
  • 3 pencils, wooden, number 2 lead, various lengths and teeth marks, no eraser left
  • 9 paper clips, medium, standard
  • 3 paper clips, small, standard
  • 7 rubber bands, small, assorted colors
  • 1 rubber band, medium, beige
  • 3 wedge erasers, pink (1 has four red push pins embedded in it to make an eraser pig)
  • 1 push pin, green
  • 2 push pins, yellow
  • 1 deck, playing cards, bound in rubber band (included in above count)
  • 1 calculator, pocket-sized, solar powered, non-functioning

Derek

December 9, 2016 at 9:48 AM Dave St Peter wrote:

Okej, I never heard of knolling before. Is that like curling? We used to play hockey in the office with a roll of tape but they made us stop after we broke a lamp. Oh geez they were mad! Oh well. Haha!

Anyhoo, if you need more office supplies, just ask Kristy there. She always gets me more staples and stuff. Plus, she always has fresh coffee brewing!

Regards,

Dave

December 9, 2016 at 10:11 AM Derek Falvey wrote:

Okay, thanks Dave.


BREAKING: the online news site “BeezWhacks” has released an unconfirmed document it says was leaked by an unnamed source that is reportedly a “top intelligence officer in Britain’s MI-8” going only by the name, “Jesse L”.

The following is an excerpt from the document:

CONFIDENTIAL/SENSITIVE SOURCE

MINNESOTA TWINS OWNER JIM POHLAD’S ACTIVITIES IN WISCONSIN AND COMPROMISING RELATIONSHIP WITH THE AL CENTRAL ILLUMINATI

Summary

MLB scouting sources state that JIM POHLAD has been compromised by several AL Central rivals since a trip he took to Rhinelander, WI in September of 2010 when he was surreptitiously video taped in a hotel room engaging in a fetish known as “Pferdmilchschambad,” where he paid local farm girls dressed in traditional German dairy maid attire to pour horse milk on him while telling him he was “slightly below average.”


UPDATE: It appears the BeezWhacks report was unsubstantiated and Mr. Pohlad was not even in Wisconsin at the time. It also not illegal nor unethical behavior even if it had occurred, which is extremely unlikely. Furthermore, it’s likely the whole report was simply the product of a warped mind fueled by the boredom of a dull offseason, who apparently feels this is “funny” and hiding behind the guise of “satire” to turn out this nonsense. Rest assured we here at Twinkie Town will stay on top of this story and continue with these investigations as the situation warrants.