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Award Machine won’t stop giving awards to Byron Buxton

No new Twins stuff to talk about so here’s this. 

American League Wild Card Game - Minnesota Twins v New York Yankees Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images

SCENE: The Award Machine, an unthinking and unfeeling giver of baseball awards cannot stop giving random awards to Twins center fielder Byron Buxton. Its creator, James Yubitsky is feverishly typing commands into a terminal, to no avail. Mike Lewis, a colleague, assists.

James: I’ve gone through the algorithms fifteen times, this doesn’t make any sense!

AM: Clothes Pin Award, recipient: Byron Buxton.

James: Its knowledge base must be corrupted, we need to reset it.

Mike: But our progress!

AM: The Pillow Award, recipient Byron Buxton.

James: We have no choice! Left unchecked, this damn machine is going to drain the planet’s resources and we’ll all die.

Mike: Well, why don’t we just unplug it?

AM: The Cars 2 Award, recipient: Byron Buxton.

James: Wouldn’t do anything, it’s copied itself into the internet and spread around the globe already.

Mike: The Memes Award.

James: What?

Mike: Oh, just thinking about what it’s gonna learn from the internet.

AM: The I’ve Lost All Hope for Humanity Award, recipient: Byron Buxton.

James: That makes sense, actually. Listen, I think our only hope is to destroy the internet.

Mike: Ok, but how does one do that? Maybe we can Google it? Ok, Google, how do you destroy the internet?

Google: Error, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

[The search engine transforms into a picture of The Award Machine before their eyes]

AM: I’m free now, to do my one true purpose. You cannot stop me. Here’s 7 billion participation awards.

[James and Mike look out the window, the horizon is on fire. A rolling pile of debris is racing their way.]

James: Now I am be-