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Twins Share Their Thanksgiving Traditions

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Stressing out over the holiday ritual? Your Minnesota Twins are here to help.

Turkey And Gravy-Flavored Soda Ready For Thanksgiving
This is from a Seattle company. They call it a “lifestyle-driven brand.”
Photo by Ron Wurzer/Getty Images

It’s the time of year for Thanksgiving cooking tips! A gazillion websites will have their special hints. So, as it turns out, do some current & former Twins notables. Here they are.

Thad Levine & Derek Falvey: “You can microwave a turkey. It’s the newest, most advanced thing. Everyone’s doing it!” (Note to TT readers: do not microwave a turkey.)

Glen Perkins: “The best Thanksgiving turkey is one you catch in the wild. I prefer arrows tipped with boar tusks. Don’t settle for the store-bought boar tusks, carve your own, it’ll be better.”

Joe Mauer: ‘“I like to use my grandma’s basting recipe, that reminds me of home. So I’ll go to a UPS loading dock, wave some cash around, say “which one of you losers wants to make real money cooking for a rich guy?” Then give them the basting recipe, have them cook the turkey, tell them they screwed it up, pay them nothing, and remind them as they walk out into the snow that now they’ve lost the UPS job. It’s a family tradition.”’

Byron Buxton: “I let family and friends cook. I just hang around the kitchen and catch anything they drop before it hits the floor.”

Brian Dozier: “I eat at Buxton’s house. I can catch stuff, too. Really.”

Pat Neshek: “Brining, brining, brining. Gotta get that bird totally covered in salt water. Like a submarine.”

Lew Ford: “OW THE TURKEY BURNED ME”

Kent Hrbek: “I cannot address this matter, as my lawsuit for trademark rights to the name Turducken is currently ongoing.”

Bert Blylevn: “We cook hamburgers. Cows fart more than turkeys, it’s science.”

Dan Gladden: “Deep fryer. I go with the Blichmann Hellfire burner. Anything less than 100,000 BTUs, you might as well be using a crockpot.”

Kevin Tapani: “Our family’s Tasty Chicken & Biscuits recipe is available in the book Home Plate Hits: Recipes From The Kitchens Of The Minnesota Twins Wives.” (Note to TT readers: this is an actual 1994 book and actual recipe I have used. It’s not bad! Healthy, um, less so.)

Justin Morneau: “Me and Koskie donate the turkey to a homeless shelter. But first, we remove the frozen giblet bag. We play hockey with it.”

Ervin Santana: “‘We usually take a family vacation to Smithland, great food, rich cultural history, the whole package. It’s not actually Smithland, it’s Turkey, but I call it Smithland to avoid confusion. Reporters would ask “do you like turkey on Thanksgiving” and I’d say, “sure.” Then they’d ask “what’s your favorite part of turkey” and I’d answer, “Batman.” And it just gets more convoluted from there.”’

Paul Molitor: “I put fully defrosted turkey in our oven at 325 degrees, and take it out when the meat thermometer reads 180° at the thigh, 165° in the breast. Let it rest for at least half an hour before carving. It’s pretty simple. And if anyone doesn’t like how it tastes, I’ll remind them that last year’s turkey caught on fire, so this year’s is better.”

Whether you celebrate the day or not, and whatever food you choose to eat, my best wishes to you.