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In a Jam? Need Money Now? Trade Pat Light.

The Twins sent the reliever to Pittsburgh for cash considerations

New York Islanders Fan Rally With Performance By Blue Oyster Cult
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The Minnesota Twins, behind on some bills and avoiding phone calls from creditors, pulled the trigger on a trade Thursday, sending reliever Pat Light to the Pittsburgh Pirates for some cold, hard cash.

“This really gets us out of some jams,” said a front office source. “They can’t cut your power off in the winter, but spring’s just around the corner. Be pretty embarrassing if Opening Day hit and the scoreboard won’t light up.”

Nobody will go on the record about what caused the cash crunch, but multiple team sources say former GM Bill Smith lost the team checkbook in a cafeteria-grade pudding tub.

“He just kept muttering to himself, ‘Billy Boy, you really did it this time, man oh man,’” said a clubhouse source. “He did love his pudding.” Smith is no longer with the team.

Without a checkbook, the Twins were left scrambling to pay for recent free agent signings Craig Breslow and Drew Stubbs. The clubhouse source explained that alternative means of payment were hard to come by, as longtime Twins GM Terry Ryan didn’t believe in credit lines.

“He’d always say credit cards were ‘a tool of the devil,’” said the source. “‘You pay for what you can afford, not what you might afford.’ Then he’d go into how much a gallon of milk costs nowadays.”

Although no one would go on the record, multiple sources close to the situation said a new checkbook and credit cards would be coming as soon as Bill Pohlad secures financing for a Blue Oyster Cult biopic. Tom Hiddleston is attached to play guitarist Buck Dharma.