“TwinkyLeaks,” a mysterious group of hackers from Iceland has released another email taken from Dave St Peter’s cellphone, that he left behind after eating lingonberry pancakes at Keys Cafe & Bakery in Minneapolis. This correspondence gives us a behind-the-scenes look at the deal that brings Craig Breslow to the Twins on a minor-league deal when he reportedly received higher offers from at least one other team.
From: Dave St Peter [UNDHockeyDave85@minnesotatwins.com]
To: Derek Falvey [TheFalveyGuy@minnesotatwins.com]; Thad Levine [firstname.lastname@example.org]
CC: Craig Breslow [Br3$l0w14nR4p50d0@Strike3.com]
Date: February 8, 2017 9:10 AM
Subject: Hej guys!
How’s it going, eh? Tried ice fishing here in Minnesota yet? The perch were really biting last weekend. Careful where you go, a pickup went through the ice on Lake Koronis. Warm weather’s nice but it makes the ice bit soft in places. I’ll take the good with the bad, I always say.
Anyhoo, Craig Breslow wanted me to put him touch with you two so he could discuss an offer, so Kirsten told me how to add him in here.
P.S. Fresh coffee’s brewing if you want a cup. Help yourselves!
February 8, 2017 at 9:12 AM Derek Falvey wrote:
Looking at the numbers, I don’t think we’re going to be able to match what you could get with another team. I’m sorry, that’s just a fact.
February 8, 2017 at 9:17 AM Craig Breslow wrote:
I’ll be succinct. Your time is valuable and so is mine. Money is not my primary concern as I am looking for more of a partnership with a team willing to accept my advanced work on baseball biophysics and technology.
As I know you are well aware of my pitching analytics and projections, and how well I would fit into the Minnesota Twins Baseball Club’s stated objective of improving incrementally without excessive expenditures of capital, i.e., “being competitive,” so I will not expound on that further at this time.
However, I would like to apprise you of our latest experimental project that we are currently working on at Rapsodo: a programmable, cyber-arachnid that will be 12 meters in height and capable of throwing fastballs, forkballs, curveballs. sliders, knuckleballs, knuckle curves, slurves, flurves, fliders, 12-6 curves, 6-12 curves, 10-2 curves, palmballs and eephus balls, to name but a few. A supplementary tool at this point in time is a synthetic silk-like fiber coated with a mucilaginous epoxy that can be precisely aimed and propelled at a range of over 25 meters if necessary to prevent base stealing or other acts of baseball barbarity.
I call it, “Mecha-Spider.” I promise it will revolutionize baseball as you know it.
I must insist that I am to be the only person to sit at the controls and/or operate any of it’s systems for proprietary reasons. I am sure you understand, gentlemen.
Craig Breslow, Super Genius
February 8, 2017 at 9:18 AM Thad Levine wrote:
A 30 foot tall mechanical pitching spider? That is so cool! I like this partnership already!
February 8, 2017 at 9:19 AM Dave St Peter wrote:
Oh, a giant spider? Uffda! Most people don’t like spiders. My wife hates them, I can tell you that. I don’t think Mr. Pohlad will want to pay for that kind of thing either. I don’t know about this, guys.
February 8, 2017 at 9:23 AM Craig Breslow wrote:
Not to worry. By utilizing extra baseball bats for girders; baseballs, gloves and catchers’ masks for ball-and-socket joints, as well some parts scavenged from groundskeepers’ golf carts, the cost will be negligible, and can be written off as a business expense. Best of all, it will be solar-powered, making it completely compatible with Target Field’s “green energy” policies. It can also be painted in child-friendly colors like pink or even polka-dots.
Craig Breslow, Super Genius
February 8, 2017 at 9:25 AM Derek Falvey wrote:
Pack your bags Craig, you’re moving to Minneapolis. I’ll get the paperwork ready.