The Twins signed veteran hurler [FIRST AND LAST NAME] on Thursday to a one-year deal worth $[LOW 7-FIGURE NUMBER].
[LAST NAME, AGE OF 35+], is a depth move for one of 2016’s shakiest [bullpens/starting staffs]. The [LEFT/RIGHT]-hander is coming off a [SURPRISINGLY STRONG/DISAPPOINTING] season with [TEAM THAT WAS BETTER THAN THE TWINS]. The journeyman pitcher led the league in [SOME STATISTICAL CATEGORY AND IT HAPPENED AT LEAST FIVE YEARS AGO].
[BOY WONDER DEREK/BOY WONDER THAD] is expected to try and land another arm or two before spring training begins on Valentine’s Day. Despite having one of the league’s most suspect staffs and injury questions for potential contributors like Phil Hughes and Glen Perkins, [LAST NAME] is the Twins’ first addition of note since [RYAN FUCKIN’ VOGELSONG].