Which of these 2017 holiday uniforms is the ugliest?

Every year MLB makes teams wear stupid uniforms when a holiday rolls around. Because holidays like Flag Day and Labor Day aren’t cool enough (or maybe because they are too cool?), there are only four times a season players wear the stupid unis: Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Father’s Day, and Independence Day.

They also make stupid uniforms for the All-Star Game, even though players don’t actually wear them during the All-Star Game.

There’s good news and bad news about what the Twins will have to wear in 2017. The bad news is that they’re all ugly and include a lot of heather patterning. And they include socks this year. And the players will have to wear them for multiple days, not just the actual day of the holiday like they’ve done before. The good news is, uh, none of these jerseys contain any kasota gold?

Here’s what the duds look like, as presented by SportsLogos.net. Let’s make fun of them and then vote which of these things is the ugliest of the ugliest.

Mother’s Day (May 13 - May 14): Twins at Indians

SportsLogo.net

It’s pink. All they did was take the regular Twins away jersey and make the red parts pink instead of red. They wore the same damn jersey last year.

But what makes this get-up especially horrible is the hat. The hats are pink and heather gray. Why is the hat heather gray? The uniforms are already regular gray. The only way this could look stupider if is if the uniforms were khaki and the hats were heather gray.

Here are the socks:

SportsLogos.net

They look like dad tried to do the laundry. Hard pass.

Memorial Day (May 27th - May 29th): Twins vs. Rays/Astros

SportsLogos.net

MLB just can’t quit camouflage. While they did get rid of it this year on the actual jersey itself, it’s still on the cap. And now they have black stars on the jersey sleeve and cap. I don’t like it. It looks creepy.

The stupidest part about this is that the Twins are going to be wearing these while playing the Rays, but they don’t even actually play the Rays on Memorial Day. They play the Astros on Memorial Day.

Here are the socks:

SportsLogos.net

It’s like they want to be camouflage, but whoever had to design these drank too much coffee and decided putting yellow and white geometric shapes in there too would be a good idea. If you tried to wear these in the jungle you’d probably get shot. Maybe if you try to wear them just out on the street, too.

Father’s Day (June 17th - June 18th): Twins vs. Indians

SportsLogos.net

No.

And the thing I have to point out here is that the hats are not just baby blue, they are heather baby blue.

SportsLogos.net

No.

Here are the socks:

SportsLogos.net

No.

Independence Day (July 1 - July 4): Twins at Royals, Angels at Twins

SportsLogos.net

Well, first of all, the Twins have both home and away jerseys for Independence Day because they decided the Fourth of July now lasts from the first of July to the fourth of July. Two of those games the Twins will be in Kansas City, and then they’ll come back to Target Field to play the Angels for the Fourth of July on third and fourth of July (see how stupid this is, MLB?)

Secondly, what is going on with the uniform script? Are those supposed to be white stars? They look like white polka-dots not unlike those that once covered my late grandmother's old couch. And why is the script so glossy? Is that supposed to make it look better? Because it doesn’t make it look better.

Third, the hats. MORE HEATHER—and that’s not even the worst part! The logos are made out of some shiny plastic material called “Liquid Chrome” and up close they look like this:

SportsLogos.net

GAHH MY EYES! MY EYES!

Here are the socks:

SportsLogos.net

Hmmmm.... no? Maybe.

Home Run Derby and All-Star Game (July 10th - July 11th): Miami

SportsLogos.net

Here’s what Miguel Sano will be wearing during the Home Run Derby when he hits so many long dongs that the Dinger Machine just keeps spinning until one of the marlins on top of it flies off and skewers a small child (it’ll be worth it, don’t worry). I’m presuming the Angels logo will actually be a Twins logo on the real deal, but I wouldn’t put it past MLB to make a jersey that stupid.

During the actual All-Star Game, of course, players just wear their team’s regular jersey—but don’t worry! MLB still found a way to make the players look extra dumb because they’ll have to wear their gray uniforms with this clashing hat:

SportsLogos.net

That is the dumbest, blandest, ugliest hat I have ever seen. It looks fit for the Yankees, and that’s about it.

Here are the socks:

SportsLogos.net

If you’re like me, you’re thinking, “Holy shit, MLB... actually did something right!” These socks are fantastic!!! There are marlins and flowers on them and they are all sorts of pretty colors. Take note, Mom’s Day and Dad’s Day socks: this is how you do special sportswear socks.