Do you like junk? I like junk. Let’s look at some junk you can get for going to a Twins game this year. Also events too, I guess.
Monday, April 3rd: Minnesota Twins Long Sleeve Hooded Tee
Opening Day! You get to watch some sweet, live baseball and the Twins will give you a sweatshirt for doing it. Makes sense, since it’s probably going to be cold and the Twins want fans to stay warm and happy so they buy more $12.50 vegan hot dogs or whatever.
Wednesday, April 5th: Dollar-Dog Day
It’s the first dollar dog day of the year! But dollar dog day is actually every Wednesday, too. It sucks that they still have their stupid two dollar dog at time limit, though maybe this could be the year they lift it and kill the curse?
Saturday, April 15th: Twins Fur Trapper Hat
I always love going to the ballpark on Jackie Robinson Day, and this year the Twins are celebrating with a Twins Fur Trapper Hat give away! This has been a popular item the last couple years, although it was previously referred to as a Fur Bomber Hat. Not sure what the name change is all about—maybe Falvine’s doing?
Monday, April 17th, through Thursday, April 20th: Magnet Schedules
That’s right, folks—you have four separate chances to get your 2017 Twins magnet schedules this year. If you go to any of these games, the door people will probably just give you a whole stack of magnets if you ask for them (I’m speaking from experience. By the way, does anyone want some 2016 Twins Schedule Magnets?)
Saturday, April 22nd: Red Hat Giveaway
The first of Dairy Queens infamous cap giveaway days! This one is just a red mad with a TC on it.
Sunday, April 23rd: Kids Day
After the game your kids, or you if you happen to be a kid or a 6,000 year old vampire still stuck in the body of a child, will get free autographs and get to run the bases. That’s pretty cool. One of the two games at the Dome my parents brought me too when I was growing up was one of the run the bases things, but I was too scared of everything to do it. God, I was a shitty child.
They will also get a “Twins customizable T-shirt.” and I can’t for the life of me figure out what that means. Do you get a little laptop with some clip art and a screen printing machine? Is it just paint?
Tuesday, May 2nd, and Wednesday, May 3rd: Reusable MLB Network bag
You know those reusable bags people bring with them to Whole Foods or whatever to be environmentally conscious? That’s what these are. They have little MLB Network logos all over them. Really, though, 75% of the these will just be left under the seats where they will find their way to the nearest landfill without ever being used at all.
Friday, May 5th (and other various dates): Wine, Women and Baseball
This one takes place pregame and is included with some of the more spendy tickets. You go to a nearby hotel (if you are a lady-type) and get to partake in wine tasting, whatever a “pamper me” station is, light desserts and you also get an actually pretty cute Twins bag.
I once read that promotions like these were antiquated and sexist, but I just see it as a company reaching out to a demographic it hasn’t fully captured. Plenty of women don’t need to be lured to the stadium with handbags and wine, but those plenty of women are already fans and don’t need to be lured to the stadium at all. Also it has wine,so my mom would like it, and hell the thing starts at 5 PM so it would be the latest I’ve seen her start drinking in a long time.
Saturday, May 6th: Marvel Superheros Day and Twins Rocket Raccoon Bobblehead
You can get a bobblehead of a raccoon standing on a plaque with a TC logo. What a world. This night also includes a Minnesota Twins "Guardians of the Infield" t-shirt giveaway, but you have to buy special tickets to get those.
Sunday, May 7th: Twins Beach Tote Bag
It’s a big ol’ bag with a TC logo on it. I’m sure there will be huge lines to get this entirely unexciting item, so make sure you buy your tickets and get to the park early.
Tuesday, May 16th: Scrubs Night
Not like the TV show, but like the things nurses actually wear that the TV show was named after. If you buy special tickets to the game, you get a pair of Twins themed scrubs featuring the Twins logo and TC bear! I am in no way, shape, or form a nurse, but I want these just to wear to future Twins games.
Saturday, May 20th: Twins Batting Practice Pullover (Adult M/XL)
This actually looks pretty neat. It’s a navy blue pull-over with a TC on the upper right hand corner. It’s like what they wear in batting practice, hence the name.
Monday, May 29th: Brian Dozier T-Shirt Day
This is the image the official Twins site shows next to this promotion:
I don’t know if that is a placeholder, but I certainly hope not. I really want this to be a real shirt.
Wednesday, June 14th: LED energy efficient light bulb
Yeah, every fan gets a freakin’ light bulb. Thanks. THANKS.
Friday, June 16th: Fireworks Friday
After the Twins lose to the Indians, stick around and you can enjoy “Fireworks Friday Music to songs from movie soundtracks.” which is so excessively broad I’m interested to find out what the playlist is. Is it just the Rocky 3 soundtrack in its entirety? We can’t know for sure.
Sunday, June 18th: Father’s Day Twins Socks
All you 18+ males out there can get some god-awful looking socks (presented by Sheboygan Sausage Company because obviously it is.) regardless of how many children you have brought into this world.
Wednesday, June 23rd: Twins Star Wars T-Shirt (Adult M/XL)
The Twins seem to do a star wars night every year now. When are we going to get a frickin’ Star Trek night? Lame.
Saturday, July 8th: Second Hat Giveaway
This hat is a little more exciting than the red one. It is navy blue and grey and has the old Twins logo with Minnie and Paul. Below is an artist’s rendering.
Does anyone really actually like hat giveaway? They never fit over my huge-ass head (I have a thick skull) so I hate them
Sunday, July 9th: Twins Bat and Ball Set
It’s a plastic ball and bat, and you have to be under 14 years old to get it.
Tuesday, July 18: Twins Beach Towel
If you were lucky enough to get the Twins Beach Tote on May 7th, you can finish your set by also going to the game on July 18th and getting the towel. The Twins are playing the Yankees that evening too, so they’ll probably lose (unless they’ve done something about that cursed two dollar dog at a time limit).
Friday, July 21st, and Saturday, July 22nd: 1987 World Series Championship Reunion Weekend
This is the good stuff. The Twins are bringing back all the old members of the 1987 team and we get to clap and be happy and remember when the Twins actually won something. Plus, on Saturday, they’re giving away a beer stein, which is a fancy word for a beer mug. Looks to be a grand old time.
Friday, August 4th: National Baseball Card Day Commemorative Trading Card Pack
Mark this date, all you serious baseball collectors! If you’re really into collecting cards, you know that stadium give-aways tend to become the most valuable because of their relative scarcity. If you’re not really into collecting baseball cards, you can still tape these to the spokes of your bicycle to make it sound like a sweet motorcycle.
Saturday, August 5th: Twins Back to School Item
Get ready to go back to school with this sweet Twins item! What is it? Nobody knows! It appears the promotional department hasn’t gotten that far yet. A lunchbox? A back back? A sweet i-pad?!
Sunday, August 6th: T.C's Summer Bash and Mascot Softball Game
I know what the mascot softball game is—it’s the thing they do before one game every year where mascots from around the Twin Cities play softball. Duh. As for what T.C.’s Summer Bash is... your guess is as good as mine. I hope it’s a kegger!
Tuesday, August 15th: North Dakota State Night
You North Dakotans (or whatever) can make the trip and get a hat of colors I’ve already forgotten that have to do with your state college. Revel in the fact that your shitty state doesn’t have a team of its own and you are stuck watching this one!
Sorry ND, ILU
Friday, August 18th: Rod Carew Bobblehead and Rod Carew Summer of '77 Tribute
Rob Carew nearly hit .400 in the year of 1977, and the Twins are having a special tribute night to celebrate. This may be Carew’s first appearance at Target Field since his heart transplant, so it’s a big deal. Carew will probably start crying, which will in turn make you cry. It’s going to be great.
Saturday, August 19th: Michael Cuddyer HOF Induction and Bobblehead
Usually when the Twins induct people into their Hall of Fame, they give away pins—but not for Cuddyer! Cuddyer gets a whole damn bobblehead. I’m guessing this is because the Twins wanted to do a certain number of bobblehead giveaways this season, and the “Miguel Sano as an Outfielder Bobblehead” didn’t quite have the pull the Twins were looking for.
Although, actually, I would totally wait in line to get a Miguel Sano as an Outfielder Bobblehead.
Sunday, August 20th: Andy MacPhail HOF Induction and Michael Cuddyer and Andy MacPhail HOF Pins
Oh, so this is where you can get the pin.
Wednesday, August 30th: Cancer Awareness Night
Have you ever heard of a thing called cancer? Well now it’s got its own night! When you buy a special ticket, you also get a Twins hat with a logo featuring the color of your favorite cancer!
It’s also dollar dog night, if cancer isn’t your thing.
Tuesday, September 12th: Minnesota Wild Night
Here’s another themed night where you get a special promotion if you buy special tickets! This time it’s a Wild/Twins co-branded baseball hat. It’s just a Twins hat in Wild colors, with a little wild logo on it.
Friday, September 29th through Sunday, October 1st: Fan Appreciation Weekend and Twins Stocking Cap
The last series of the year, assuming the Twins don’t make the playoffs. They give you raffle tickets for things you’ll never win and random food to people in special seats. Oh, and everyone gets a hat.
Already planning to attend any of these games? What promotional items do you want to get?