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OP-ED: I’m back, baby!

That awful feeling of doom you had about the Minnesota Twins is back. We asked him to write about it.

Los Angeles Premiere And Party For Disney-Pixar's INSIDE OUT At El Capitan Theatre
Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for Disney

Your general feeling of dread, apathy, and malaise over the Minnesota Twins came back in a big way this week, as a 4-game losing skid has sent the Twins below .500 for the first time this year. We have turned this morning’s space over to that general feeling of dread, apathy, and malaise.

Hello, old friend. I’m sorry, did you not know I was coming back?

Maybe that’s on me. I just up and disappeared for a week. Kinda like Dad stepping out for a cigarette, vanishing, and then you spend the next 15 years writing bad short stories with titles like “The Absent Shadow” or “Father’s Dusty Jacket” about him.

But I’m not like Gary. No, I was just chilling, taking some mental health days, getting my poop in a group, you know? Got on my grind, ate lean proteins, worked out like a demon, watched some Netflix, read some books, deleted social media off my phone. I totally recommend it.

I did keep an eye on your Twins, though. I saw how things started. I saw the hope in your eyes and your heart. I saw you thinking the bullpen could keep it up. I saw you thinking Buxton and Mauer and everyone else would start hitting. I SAW YOU.

So. I’m back. Hey, how’d that home series go against the best team in your division? Oh, really? How’s Buxton doing? Hughes still holding up? Bullpen? The bench? Mauer? Molitor?

Heh. Just bustin’ your beans, sporto.

Anyway, I’m just glad you kept everything warm for me here. It’s really like slipping into a nice bath. Just that familiarity, that comfort in knowing you expected me to come back, even if you denied it. Deep in your soul, you knew that primal, aching doubt would come screaming back.

Tigers this weekend, huh? Only a game out of first in the standings. Boy, if those bats get going we could be right back in first by the end of the weekend.

Heh. Heh. You wanna get a pizza? Let’s get a pizza.