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Twins 9, Athletics 1: Dong Day Massacre

Alternate titles: All Dongs Go to Heaven, Planet of the Dongs, Dongheart, Dong’s Labyrinth, infinite others.

MLB: Oakland Athletics at Minnesota Twins Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

My days for recap seem to line up with Ervin Santana’s starts, and in every single one of them I get to say how ridiculous he’s been so far. Well he was that again tonight, pitching six scoreless frames and striking out 7 batters.

As sexy as he’s been, the real story tonight was the bats. Bats are made to bat balls and these bats batted balls like it was national bat-the-balls-better-than-before day.


Brian Dozier started the fiesta de los dongs in the 3rd inning with a solo shot to center. After Max Kepler walked (which would, of course, haunt.) Miguel Sano did what he does best and smash the the very atoms out of a baseball. His 8th long dong was a monster one to dead center right over the batter’s eye. Here is a link to the video that I can’t currently embed. In the 4th, apparent home run guy, Jason Castro tacked on his own. This one was also to center, which will be the theme for this entire article.

Grab my hand and we’ll hop, skip and then jump to the bottom of the 7th. Guess who hit one out? No, not him. Byron Buxton, that’s who! He would later ground-out in a run for his 2nd RBI. I think he’s getting the hang of this hitting thing. His homerun was to LEFT-center though. Way to be non-conformist, Byron. Oh also then Brian Dozier hit another to center. As he does.

Sick of dongs, the Athetics pitched around walking dong machine, Miguel Sano to get to Joe Mauer. We’ve all been down on the guy who isn’t having an enthusiastic start to another year, and he really seems like a shell of his former self.

Two run homer (barely) to center though, because why not?

In the ninth, Michael Tonkin came in to blow the shut out and he succeeded in doing that. Yonder Alonso got his own dinger. You’ll never in a million years guess what part of the field he hit that to.

The Twins jump 2 games above 5 hundred and join a 3 way tie not first or last in the AL central.

STUDS: Santana, Dozier, Sano, Buxton

Even Danny Santana got a hit today

Real Roll Call:

# Recs Commenter Comment Link
5 less cowbell, more 'neau Looks like us
3 badcoffee You know what happens when you play a country song backwards
3 TawnyFroggy Oh wow, Soofoo was Kim Jong-un the whole time
3 SooFoo Fan You got baseball-reference's number? Dude nice
3 kenzertz's Video titles for the home runs tonight:
3 Joel Hernandez Suck and dong used in the same sentence without it being un PG
2 kenzertz I waited!
2 SooFoo Fan You can't stop me
2 SooFoo Fan Google thinks I meant "dogfest"
2 Gunnarthor nerd
2 badcoffee As long as he is no longer dope-ing
2 less cowbell, more 'neau [no title]
2 Joel Hernandez DFA the Tonkin
2 Imakesandwichesforaliving I KNEW IT
1 wayback IT'S A DONGFEST!!!!
1 SooFoo Fan Passable
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Eat it doubters!
1 SooFoo Fan So uh
1 CG19 Glad I remembered to put Buxton in in fantasy
1 Imakesandwichesforaliving TWSS
1 less cowbell, more 'neau I think they're Belgian
1 TawnyFroggy Thanks Tonkin
1 kenzertz For a pinch-hit double with an 8-run game?
1 gonzobob Dong Day's Journey into Night
1 CG19 Funny that now there's a chainsaw ad behind the plate
1 Gunnarthor Yeah, I think I'm wrong. The runners thought in-field fly rule so they stayed put
1 kenzertz I don't know if I can handle any more dongs.
1 badcoffee He's going through their line up like a chainsaw
1 kenzertz Compilation:
1 CG19 I love the A's lineup
1 badcoffee If we play our cards right, maybe someday
1 Hayden Audette 6/9
1 badcoffee [no title]
1 badcoffee Anyone else remember when "Purplepride"
1 Imakesandwichesforaliving GO TWINS GO
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
1 SooFoo Fan TIL
1 badcoffee Funny, showed on mine as "Suspected Fraud"
1 kenzertz Does it flush?
1 badcoffee You need to run the cable higher
1 CG19 This is turning into old Batman with all those adjectives
1 Gunnarthor [no title]
1 CG19 But he will in front of Mauer
1 SooFoo Fan Tarvaris
1 badcoffee more like Yawn-der
1 CG19 "The A's are trying to get him healthy so they can trade him"
1 SooFoo Fan FS GO crashed
1 SooFoo Fan I don't really know I've never used one before
1 TwinsDingers not nice
1 TwinsDingers Lazy Mauer
Twinkletown brainstorming session

See you next time!

(Thanks to commenters whose Dong titles I stole, and cowbell for posting this image!)