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Top ten reasons why Joe Mauer sucks

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Twins fans give Joe Mauer a lot of flack these days, and frankly, it might be deserved. Here’s the top ten reasons why.

Joe Mauer
Dork.
Photo by Craig Jones/Getty Images

Joe Mauer. Just sit back and listen to the name. Mauer. Joe. How does it make you feel? Sure, he hit a walk-off home run to win the game for the Twins last night, but how many other times has he done that? Zero.

Let’s face it: Joe Mauer is still getting paid $23 million a year, and I don’t think he deserves to be paid that much for being a borderline Hall of Famer at a sport that requires him to work and travel practically 80% of the time if not more. Sure, he was literally underpaid for years while also being one of the best players in MLB, but I don’t think that matters at this point. He just sucks.

Here are the top ten reasons why Joe sucks so much.

10. He likes ‘rap’ too much

Ever heard this song?

If you’ve been to a Twins home game anytime in the past decade, you have—because it’s been Joe Mauer’s batting music forever, and he refuses to change it.

In fact, according to the “fun facts” displayed on the scoreboard about various Twins players while they’re at the plate, Mauer’s favorite musical artists are T.I., The Notorious B.I.G., and Snoop Dogg. I have that memorized because I’ve seen it so many times, often accompanied by some older people behind me at Target Field being shocked and disgusted by his taste in music.

I mean, right? What self-professed rap fan—especially around 33 years old—doesn’t also list the Wu-Tang Clan as one of their favorite artists of all time? I am personally offended. Wu-Tang is for the children.

9. He won’t release any of his own raps.

Joe isn’t just a rap fan, either—he’s also a rapper.

Daniel Carlson

As I think many Twins fans are aware, there’s long been the legend about the rap studio Mauer built for himself in his house. He supposedly recorded (or records?) his raps there, but refuses to ever release any of them to the public, as if he’s somehow known for his extreme modesty.

8. He’s too tall

It’s not just a Twinkie Town meme, people:

Maija Varda

7. He cares about his family too much

One of the reasons Joe Mauer supposedly likes “playing” for the Twins so much is that his grandparents get to come watch him play all the time. But why does Joe even care about those old farts anyway? He makes $23 million a year.

Furthermore, Joe supposedly didn’t report to spring training early this year because his wife was sick and he needed to take care of his twin daughters. Who even does that? Hire a nanny!

And then remember when he used to make advertisements with his Mom?

Don’t even get me started about Jake.

6. Too good at sports

Think being a three-time batting champion, six-time MLB All-Star, AL MVP catcher, USA Today National High School Football Player Of The Year AND USA Today National High School Baseball Player Of The Year (in the same year), All-State High School basketball player, hitting a damn walk-off home run in the majors, so-on and so-fourth, is enough for Joe Mauer?

Of course not!

Joe still puts all other average Joes to shame at whatever he does, like when he hit this albatross just playing golf with Glen Perkins during spring training.

He even made it into Golf Digest, and he was just doing this for shits and giggles.

This is why everyone hates you, Joe.

5. His sideburns keep getting shorter

My Mom pointed this out to me, and frankly, she’s not wrong.

I omitted the most recent pics with his gray sideburns because I was too sad.

4. He looks too much like Jake Mauer

It’s just creepy.

3. He keeps getting older

Ichiro Suzuki doesn’t seem to have a problem with this, but apparently Joe Mauer does. He just seems to keep getting rapidly older and more decrepit.

Why can’t you just be Ichro Suzuki, Joe? Is it really that hard? Do some more stretches.

2. He still wants to play

I don’t get this. I mean, I have enough self-perspective to know Joe was an okay baseball player in 2009. But now? No way.

Yet, he still has enthusiasm for the game, somehow:

Twins manager Paul Molitor said in November that he believes he “overplayed” Joe Mauer in the first half in 2016, which may have led to the quad injury that hampered the first baseman at the end of the season.

Add to that the fact that Mauer’s numbers against left-handed pitching were down last season, and some observers have begun to speculate that the Twins would be best served to make their highest-paid athlete into a part-time player.

Asked about it Tuesday after the team’s workout, Mauer sounded surprised by the suggestion. He said his goal is to win games, and added that “when I’m on the field, we have a better chance of doing that. If they feel that’s not the case, that’s baseball. But I think I do and I think a lot of people around here think that we probably have a better chance of winning if I’m on the field.”

1. Too lazy

He’s spent practically his entire career just walking to first base. I mean, who does he think he is? Barry Bonds?

I’m so over it.