Farm Report: Gordon/Vielma Compete For Place In Your Heart/Will

Triple-A: Pawtucket Red Sox 7, Rochester Red Wings 2

The Twins’ organization is apparently mired in Sox addiction. All the lube and toys didn’t spell fun for Adalberto Mejia; he got bad touched for three walks and six runs in a mere four innings. No truth to the rumors that Jose Berrios threatened to break his legs if Mejia got back to Minnesota first.

Only four hits for the Wings, including two by 3B Leonardo Reginatto, who celebrated with mutant ninja pizza, and a triple for CF Niko Goodrum. What’s even more frustrating about this is the shutdown came courtesy of some dude named Marcus Walden, who has been in the minors forever and sports a totally porny mustache.

[Box Score]

Double-A: Chattanooga Lookouts 8, Pensacola Blue Wahoos 1

What’s up with 2B Nick Gordon and SS Engelb Vielma? Both had the exact same linescore: 3-5, 0 BB, 0 K, 2 R, 1 LOB. Gordon did have a double, so when their parents divorce, he’ll be the one both want custody of most.

Because words have power, yesterday a nice SB Red Sox writer noted that Lookouts LF Lamonte Wade has pesky on-base-percentage; wouldn’t you know it, Wade responded with three more walks on Friday.

Randy LeBlanc pitched five innings and had eleven baserunners to go with a single strikeout; miraculously, only one of the runners scored. LeBlanc is from Louisiana, and has a very Louisiana last name. Did you know that “Cajun” is a sloppy pronunciation of “Canadian,” coming from French Canadians who were the first Europeans to live in Louisiana? Now you do. The fleur-de-lis is an old French Catholic symbol. I have no idea why Louisianans eat boiled crawfish heads, though.

[Box Score]

High-A: St. Lucie Mets 3, Ft. Myers Miracle 1

Aussie Lachlan Wells was ineffectively wild in this game, because the Coriolis adjusters are not installed in Port St. Lucie toilets. The brilliantly-named relievers Michael Theofanopoulos and Nick Anderson finished this game, although Anderson missed four key free throws late.

DH/3B/PG Chris Paul had two of the Miracle’s four hits, since getting four hits is a time-honored minor-league thing on Cinco de Mayo. Along with postgame runs to Taco Bell, and post-postgame runs to the aforementioned Port St. Lucie washroom facilities.

[Box Score]

Low-A: Cedar Rapids Kernels 12, Fort Wayne TinCaps 4

Native Floridian and TinCaps starter Austin Smith must not be acclimated to the high Iowa altitude. Your Mean Corn torched him for six runs in 1.2 innings, finished by a bases-clearing triple from 1B Lewin Diaz. (Diaz is 20 years old and looks every minute of it.) Every Kernel had at least one hit, except C Mitchell Kranson, because the Twins can’t have nice catchers.

Sean “Zitza” Poppen continued his nice start to 2017, striking out five in 6.1 IP while only allowing two earned runs. Hector Lujan was the other Kernels pitcher. Lujan is from a California town called Corona, which is the most Cinco de Mayo name for a town, ever.

[Box Score]

Do you have a picture or pictures you took of tractors, farm animals, land, or other equipment you’d like to see us use for a future farm report? We would love your submissions and happily give you and/or your farm full credit and a shout-out.

Please e-mail a@gmail.com if you are interested, and include the name of who took the photo (and their permission) so we may give the proper photo credits. I’m pretty sure this e-mail address is f***ed up, but I could be wrong.

Photos must be large! We need at least 1800px width. If you’re not sure if it’s big enough, send the picture and I will tell you (TWSS).