Twins 20, Mariners 7: Single stampede and Rosario rampage leads to rout

Okay let’s get the bad news out of the way first. Kyle Gibson started the game and he pitched like poop. Smelly gross poop. He gave up six runs in six innings on 12 hits. Even with no real sterling replacements in mind, he has to be running out of chances.

Didn’t matter though! Gibson could have pitched like double poop and the game would have barely felt closer, because the Twins scored a bajillion runs on a franchise record setting 28 hits. To recap all the damage I’m going to split the team into two. The Eds and the non-Eds. Let’s do those special snowflake non-Eds first.

NOT AN ED RECAP

The Twins had two 7 run innings tonight, as well as a 4 run one. Surprisingly the damage was basically done without walks too, as the only Twins to take a base on balls were Ehire Adrianza and my future husband Max Kepler who both did it in the 8th while being pitched to by Seattle’s backup catcher Carlos Ruiz.

The damage was largely done on singles (only two extra base hits, one off of Ruiz) and dingers. My future ex-husband Max Kepler hit his 8th dong of the year, while Brian Dozier hit his 11th. Every starter found themselves with a multi-hit game except for Joe Mauer who could only muster the one. Every starter also managed at least one run, and all but Mauer and Robbie Grossman drove in a run.

Oh and Relief Ace/Backup Catcher Chris Gimenez faced Relief Ace/Backup Catcher Carlos Ruiz in the 8th in what was surely the most anticipated at-bat of the year, and won the battle with a double.

That’s pretty good, I think.

AN ED RECAP

It was a good day to be an Ed. If you are an Ed and you had a bad day, I apologize. Come to my house, I’ll give you some pizza. Eduardo Escobar smacked 5 singles for day and made some nice plays on the field. He ended up driving in 2 and scoring 2. That’s a pretty good Ed, but Eddie Rosario was the one of the best Eds of all day.

Rosario hit three dongs to net himself 5 RBIs! That’s a lot of dongs if you couldn’t tell. He now has 8 on the season.

I also have to end this recap.

The Twins rise to 33-28, putting further distance between them and Cleveland who lost today to the Dodgers. As a comedy joke, Kyle Gibson was awarded the win and some guy named Christian Bergman gets the L. I assume he’s a pitcher for the Mariners. That would make the most sense.

STUDS AMONG STUDS:

Aforementioned Eds: 5 hits or 3 HRs.
Kennys Vargas: 4 hits, 4 runs, 2 RBI

DUDS AMONG STUDS:

NO DUDS (Gibson though) TWINS WIN (also Mauer)

ROLL THIS CALL, ROBOT

#	Commenter	# Comments
1	Brandon Brooks	70
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	59
3	TeamCrazyMatt	57
4	SooFoo Fan	46
5	TawnyFroggy	44
6	TJ Gorsegner	44
7	CG19	44
8	Devereaux	33
9	kenzertz	26
10	Name-Game	24
11	blackmankitteh	21
12	Pau from the sky-tinted water	16
13	Gunnarthor	13
14	Kyle Edelbrock	11
15	montanatwinsfan	10
16	gonzobob	9
17	MNWildcat	7
18	wayback	4
19	Coach Farmer	4
20	Flip27	4
21	Nick Rothe	3
22	Desert Aaron	3
23	polkamoves	3
24	Rahil Modi	2
25	carl006	2
26	mefoolonhill	2
27	JoetheMauler	1
28	Asthix	1
29	Badger1stSergeant	1
30	Coolhandluke1	1

# Recs	Commenter	Comment Link
7	less cowbell, more 'neau	I'd be shocked if Falvey and Levine read our gamethreads
7	TawnyFroggy	I think an ass glove is just called underpants
7	Pau from the sky-tinted water	Like all one hit wonders I will milk it for all it's worth
7	Brandon Brooks	Them fans, they sure hate winning
6	less cowbell, more 'neau	TAKE *THAT* HR, TWINS FANS!!!
6	Gunnarthor	Wow, you have one note but you play it well, good sir
6	TawnyFroggy	Even blame maur bot changed his username
6	TawnyFroggy	This is a common thing I hear.
4	TawnyFroggy	Tommy John Gorsegner
4	TeamCrazyMatt	Seventh inning limerick:
4	TeamCrazyMatt	I prefer my plural's without apostrophe's
4	polkamoves	This combines
4	TawnyFroggy	SooWoo Fan
4	TeamCrazyMatt	An oldie from the productive poet christened "Anonymous":
4	less cowbell, more 'neau	Bottom half (Down Under) limerick
4	TeamCrazyMatt	Okay!
4	TeamCrazyMatt	Also, DANCE PARTY
4	montanatwinsfan	not if they're naming their kids "SooFoo" they're not
4	Name-Game	Yes, yes Let the rally beers flow through you!
3	TawnyFroggy	The Thunder Dump is a global phenomenon
3	montanatwinsfan	[no title]
3	SooFoo Fan	WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING
3	TJ Gorsegner	Its a sign
3	TawnyFroggy	I thought I better delete it.
3	TawnyFroggy	Every run ever
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	Tawny Kepler-Froggy
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	For those of you who can't see FSN
3	SooFoo Fan	Because the Twins took the lead with the bats, the Twins FO will think Gibson is good to go
3	SooFoo Fan	The Fan's are a proud people
3	TJ Gorsegner	Alternative Stats
3	TeamCrazyMatt	How much did he charge per hour?
3	CG19	I'm just waiting for the impending tornado to arrive in the middle of the stadium
3	TJ Gorsegner	South Dakota has cities?
3	TeamCrazyMatt	Fifth inning limerick:
3	kenzertz	He's pitching the 9th.
3	Brandon Brooks	Wait
3	SooFoo Fan	Phone camera not good on low light but here
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	TawnyFroggy is the one who croaks
2	montanatwinsfan	[no title]
2	Brandon Brooks	Actors don't have this problem
2	Brandon Brooks	Way to dunk it into the shift
2	TeamCrazyMatt	Fourth inning limerick:
2	Devereaux	Eddie Escosuperstar
2	SooFoo Fan	Here's your tornado video
2	TawnyFroggy	That wouldn't make the front page.
2	Devereaux	Fake stats
2	Brandon Brooks	That is of course, NOT Thrown Out On The Bases Because The Fielders Were Nincompoops"
2	TawnyFroggy	Max Kepler is good at baseball.
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	Sad!
2	Brandon Brooks	Uhahahahuhah
2	kenzertz	Have a good night!
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	[no title]
2	Brandon Brooks	I figured it out
2	TawnyFroggy	You better die soon then.
2	kenzertz	Mauer breaks up the 16-hitter!
2	carl006	I will if it gets me out of work.
2	TJ Gorsegner	ask Castro
2	CG19	I know! The Rzepczynski to Zunino battery had 3 Z's!
2	polkamoves	Also
2	blackmankitteh	I wanna see a position player pitch against us for a change!
2	TJ Gorsegner	Its a race! will the game get rained out, or the twins blow the lead first!
2	TawnyFroggy	hadn't realized that. Kinda crazy
2	gonzobob	is that what the "Golden Fleece" was
2	SooFoo Fan	'\0'
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	The best kind of correct.
2	SooFoo Fan	He is handsome
2	TeamCrazyMatt	First inning limerick:
2	Brandon Brooks	The SooFoo Clan
2	blackmankitteh	[no title]
2	TawnyFroggy	Could never get rid of the Froggy.
2	gonzobob	All the little chicks with the crimson lips go:
2	TeamCrazyMatt	Ctrl-V ROSIE!!!
2	Coolhandluke1	This is the game I will base the draft on
2	Kyle Edelbrock	the best kind of correct
2	Brandon Brooks	That's quality content.
2	TeamCrazyMatt	Second inning limerick:
2	TawnyFroggy	Megaman would be a pretty good get.
2	Badger1stSergeant	Man, I get a little gaming in
2	kenzertz	[no title]
2	Brandon Brooks	People still play it
2	TeamCrazyMatt	Final game limerick:
2	TJ Gorsegner	The best kind of correct
2	TawnyFroggy	Good thing names are apparently your game.
2	TeamCrazyMatt	Eighth inning limerick:
2	SooFoo Fan	far from it
2	Asthix	Holy cow!
2	SooFoo Fan	Tornado chasers are crazy yet awesome
2	blackmankitteh	[no title]
2	Brandon Brooks	Polanc.io
2	TeamCrazyMatt	Third inning limerick:
2	wayback	boom
2	SooFoo Fan	RIP, badcoffee
2	Devereaux	Noche de Eddies
2	TawnyFroggy	I thought SooFoo Fan was your real name
2	blackmankitteh	our backup catcher is better at pitching than their backup catcher
2	MNWildcat	Out of frustration I turn off the radio feed and go to the bar
1	JoetheMauler	A win? At home?
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	IN THE MIDDLE OF I-29
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	THUNDER!
1	TeamCrazyMatt	Of course the announcer ends it with "an historic"
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	HAIL
1	CG19	Scrabble's back
1	TeamCrazyMatt	34 combined hits
1	TeamCrazyMatt	We could always use fresh Farm Report pics
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	WOO
1	SooFoo Fan	Imma retweet the hell out of that
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Or just surprise them.
1	TeamCrazyMatt	5 for 5 for Number 5
1	Flip27	It's so fitting that Gimenez's hit breaks the franchise record for hits in a game.
1	TawnyFroggy	RELIEF PITCHER BACKUP CATCHER DUEL
1	Brandon Brooks	Challenging up 20-6 is a baller move
1	Brandon Brooks	Let's get 30 hits
1	gonzobob	and around and around
1	blackmankitteh	3 home runs, wow.
1	wayback	Any more hits and Gimenez will get to pitch for the Mariners
1	Brandon Brooks	I WAS CAUGHT
1	Desert Aaron	Nice game Eddie!
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	HAT TRICK!!!!!!!!!!!
1	TeamCrazyMatt	YES
1	SooFoo Fan	Also, Cleveland lost
1	TeamCrazyMatt	Guess Dong Fest got donged
1	TawnyFroggy	Woooooooooo
1	CG19	These limericks seem fun, I want to try
1	CG19	Hits will also haunt
1	polkamoves	21 runs
1	Brandon Brooks	Two games up!
1	TeamCrazyMatt	ROSI3!!!!
1	SooFoo Fan	See ya Scrabble
1	Brandon Brooks	"We'll trade you Chris Gimenez for three outs"
1	CG19	Gimenez traded to Seattle in the middle of the game to pitch to us
1	Brandon Brooks	And score ten more runs off em
1	TeamCrazyMatt	Thrown Out On The Bases Like A Nincompoop
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Will it be live streaming on TT?
1	carl006	After 3 innings, every Twins starter has at least 1 hit and either 1 run or 1 RBI, except one player.
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Bullpen
1	Pau from the sky-tinted water	Here's my axe, use it wisely
1	CG19	How'd we lose 20 games in one night?
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Turn the radio off again
1	kenzertz	Woo.
1	TawnyFroggy	Who is stalking?
1	blackmankitteh	this game is not over.
1	Brandon Brooks	I step away for once second
1	MNWildcat	YOU'RE NOT MY ALCOHOL SUPERVISOR
1	Kyle Edelbrock	I like you
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	That's like in Nebraska, dude.
1	SooFoo Fan	Rain approacheth
1	Kyle Edelbrock	Gibson is so odd
1	Pau from the sky-tinted water	Molitor, it was only an 8 run lead, why do you continue to send him out there?
1	CG19	Gimenez might be pitching for Seattle tonight
1	kenzertz	Singles Night at Target Field.
1	Brandon Brooks	He's not sucking too much right now
1	SooFoo Fan	We called it mat ball in grade school
1	SooFoo Fan	I hope the Mariners enjoy the complementary 2 run first inning
1	SooFoo Fan	I don't think I'll change my name ever
1	Brandon Brooks	It's twinsbrewer all over again!
1	TJ Gorsegner	I wish I was that cool
1	TJ Gorsegner	and he's already had tommy john
1	TawnyFroggy	He's an eligible bachelor, ladies.
1	TawnyFroggy	I want to marry Max Kepler
1	Name-Game	He's so hot right now
1	TJ Gorsegner	at this point it would be more like Joe Schmo #9
1	Brandon Brooks	Well, he's also proven he CAN, judging by his 2014-15 numbers.
1	TeamCrazyMatt	Misread as "NRA"
1	TJ Gorsegner	If the Gibson gets through 6 and only allows 3 runs thats not a bad outcome
1	Devereaux	RUN DIFFERENTIAL
1	TawnyFroggy	Like clogs or something, I dunno
1	Name-Game	Curling
1	montanatwinsfan	"Improved" it?
1	CG19	Never mind, try hugging a flag pole
1	SooFoo Fan	I will try
1	TawnyFroggy	Uh oh.
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	IN THE MIDDLE OF A RAILROAD TRACK
1	TJ Gorsegner	so... my future Mother-In-Law arrived?
1	TJ Gorsegner	If all else fails, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye
1	Brandon Brooks	Maybe TJ's future mother-in-law is haunted
1	montanatwinsfan	that is great
1	TawnyFroggy	Tell them to just burn the whole thing down.
1	Devereaux	Don't be a hero
1	TeamCrazyMatt	Sixth inning limerick:
1	Brandon Brooks	THUNDER
1	MNWildcat	Rhymes well when said in an Aussie accent.
1	TeamCrazyMatt	something something Mauer something something suckage something
1	TJ Gorsegner	We would get all the siteviews for that one
1	TJ Gorsegner	hmmm... golden underpants
1	Devereaux	Escobar!!
1	Gunnarthor	Myjah would cry at your funeral but I wouldn't show up
1	kenzertz	Another National Weather Service interruption!
1	Brandon Brooks	Joe Mauer needs a Gold-ass Glove this year
1	Gunnarthor	I prefer my limerick's to be dirtier
1	blackmankitteh	Twins made like 5 great plays defensively and Gibson still gave up 6 runs
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Ask montanatwinsfan
1	TawnyFroggy	You all better be at my funeral.
1	TJ Gorsegner	A man from Montana invented the condom, using a sheep intestine
1	Brandon Brooks	Jason got the Golden Fleece
1	montanatwinsfan	Nah man
1	gonzobob	I don't get it
1	Pau from the sky-tinted water	So by Twins standards a quality start for him
1	Brandon Brooks	AND I KNEW THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK

I had a comment picked out for COtD but I can’t remember what it was. Too much happened. It was a regular Dong Fest out there.