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Twins 20, Mariners 7: Single stampede and Rosario rampage leads to rout

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And other alliterative devices that mean “Holy crap lots of runs woo.”

Minnesota Twins v San Francisco Giants
ED 4 LIFE
Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images

Okay let’s get the bad news out of the way first. Kyle Gibson started the game and he pitched like poop. Smelly gross poop. He gave up six runs in six innings on 12 hits. Even with no real sterling replacements in mind, he has to be running out of chances.

Didn’t matter though! Gibson could have pitched like double poop and the game would have barely felt closer, because the Twins scored a bajillion runs on a franchise record setting 28 hits. To recap all the damage I’m going to split the team into two. The Eds and the non-Eds. Let’s do those special snowflake non-Eds first.

NOT AN ED RECAP

The Twins had two 7 run innings tonight, as well as a 4 run one. Surprisingly the damage was basically done without walks too, as the only Twins to take a base on balls were Ehire Adrianza and my future husband Max Kepler who both did it in the 8th while being pitched to by Seattle’s backup catcher Carlos Ruiz.

The damage was largely done on singles (only two extra base hits, one off of Ruiz) and dingers. My future ex-husband Max Kepler hit his 8th dong of the year, while Brian Dozier hit his 11th. Every starter found themselves with a multi-hit game except for Joe Mauer who could only muster the one. Every starter also managed at least one run, and all but Mauer and Robbie Grossman drove in a run.

Oh and Relief Ace/Backup Catcher Chris Gimenez faced Relief Ace/Backup Catcher Carlos Ruiz in the 8th in what was surely the most anticipated at-bat of the year, and won the battle with a double.

That’s pretty good, I think.

AN ED RECAP

It was a good day to be an Ed. If you are an Ed and you had a bad day, I apologize. Come to my house, I’ll give you some pizza. Eduardo Escobar smacked 5 singles for day and made some nice plays on the field. He ended up driving in 2 and scoring 2. That’s a pretty good Ed, but Eddie Rosario was the one of the best Eds of all day.

Rosario hit three dongs to net himself 5 RBIs! That’s a lot of dongs if you couldn’t tell. He now has 8 on the season.

I also have to end this recap.

The Twins rise to 33-28, putting further distance between them and Cleveland who lost today to the Dodgers. As a comedy joke, Kyle Gibson was awarded the win and some guy named Christian Bergman gets the L. I assume he’s a pitcher for the Mariners. That would make the most sense.

STUDS AMONG STUDS:

Aforementioned Eds: 5 hits or 3 HRs.
Kennys Vargas: 4 hits, 4 runs, 2 RBI

DUDS AMONG STUDS:

NO DUDS (Gibson though) TWINS WIN (also Mauer)

ROLL THIS CALL, ROBOT

# Commenter # Comments
1 Brandon Brooks 70
2 less cowbell, more 'neau 59
3 TeamCrazyMatt 57
4 SooFoo Fan 46
5 TawnyFroggy 44
6 TJ Gorsegner 44
7 CG19 44
8 Devereaux 33
9 kenzertz 26
10 Name-Game 24
11 blackmankitteh 21
12 Pau from the sky-tinted water 16
13 Gunnarthor 13
14 Kyle Edelbrock 11
15 montanatwinsfan 10
16 gonzobob 9
17 MNWildcat 7
18 wayback 4
19 Coach Farmer 4
20 Flip27 4
21 Nick Rothe 3
22 Desert Aaron 3
23 polkamoves 3
24 Rahil Modi 2
25 carl006 2
26 mefoolonhill 2
27 JoetheMauler 1
28 Asthix 1
29 Badger1stSergeant 1
30 Coolhandluke1 1
# Recs Commenter Comment Link
7 less cowbell, more 'neau I'd be shocked if Falvey and Levine read our gamethreads
7 TawnyFroggy I think an ass glove is just called underpants
7 Pau from the sky-tinted water Like all one hit wonders I will milk it for all it's worth
7 Brandon Brooks Them fans, they sure hate winning
6 less cowbell, more 'neau TAKE *THAT* HR, TWINS FANS!!!
6 Gunnarthor Wow, you have one note but you play it well, good sir
6 TawnyFroggy Even blame maur bot changed his username
6 TawnyFroggy This is a common thing I hear.
4 TawnyFroggy Tommy John Gorsegner
4 TeamCrazyMatt Seventh inning limerick:
4 TeamCrazyMatt I prefer my plural's without apostrophe's
4 polkamoves This combines
4 TawnyFroggy SooWoo Fan
4 TeamCrazyMatt An oldie from the productive poet christened "Anonymous":
4 less cowbell, more 'neau Bottom half (Down Under) limerick
4 TeamCrazyMatt Okay!
4 TeamCrazyMatt Also, DANCE PARTY
4 montanatwinsfan not if they're naming their kids "SooFoo" they're not
4 Name-Game Yes, yes Let the rally beers flow through you!
3 TawnyFroggy The Thunder Dump is a global phenomenon
3 montanatwinsfan [no title]
3 SooFoo Fan WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING
3 TJ Gorsegner Its a sign
3 TawnyFroggy I thought I better delete it.
3 TawnyFroggy Every run ever
3 less cowbell, more 'neau Tawny Kepler-Froggy
3 less cowbell, more 'neau For those of you who can't see FSN
3 SooFoo Fan Because the Twins took the lead with the bats, the Twins FO will think Gibson is good to go
3 SooFoo Fan The Fan's are a proud people
3 TJ Gorsegner Alternative Stats
3 TeamCrazyMatt How much did he charge per hour?
3 CG19 I'm just waiting for the impending tornado to arrive in the middle of the stadium
3 TJ Gorsegner South Dakota has cities?
3 TeamCrazyMatt Fifth inning limerick:
3 kenzertz He's pitching the 9th.
3 Brandon Brooks Wait
3 SooFoo Fan Phone camera not good on low light but here
3 less cowbell, more 'neau TawnyFroggy is the one who croaks
2 montanatwinsfan [no title]
2 Brandon Brooks Actors don't have this problem
2 Brandon Brooks Way to dunk it into the shift
2 TeamCrazyMatt Fourth inning limerick:
2 Devereaux Eddie Escosuperstar
2 SooFoo Fan Here's your tornado video
2 TawnyFroggy That wouldn't make the front page.
2 Devereaux Fake stats
2 Brandon Brooks That is of course, NOT Thrown Out On The Bases Because The Fielders Were Nincompoops"
2 TawnyFroggy Max Kepler is good at baseball.
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Sad!
2 Brandon Brooks Uhahahahuhah
2 kenzertz Have a good night!
2 less cowbell, more 'neau [no title]
2 Brandon Brooks I figured it out
2 TawnyFroggy You better die soon then.
2 kenzertz Mauer breaks up the 16-hitter!
2 carl006 I will if it gets me out of work.
2 TJ Gorsegner ask Castro
2 CG19 I know! The Rzepczynski to Zunino battery had 3 Z's!
2 polkamoves Also
2 blackmankitteh I wanna see a position player pitch against us for a change!
2 TJ Gorsegner Its a race! will the game get rained out, or the twins blow the lead first!
2 TawnyFroggy hadn't realized that. Kinda crazy
2 gonzobob is that what the "Golden Fleece" was
2 SooFoo Fan '\0'
2 less cowbell, more 'neau The best kind of correct.
2 SooFoo Fan He is handsome
2 TeamCrazyMatt First inning limerick:
2 Brandon Brooks The SooFoo Clan
2 blackmankitteh [no title]
2 TawnyFroggy Could never get rid of the Froggy.
2 gonzobob All the little chicks with the crimson lips go:
2 TeamCrazyMatt Ctrl-V ROSIE!!!
2 Coolhandluke1 This is the game I will base the draft on
2 Kyle Edelbrock the best kind of correct
2 Brandon Brooks That's quality content.
2 TeamCrazyMatt Second inning limerick:
2 TawnyFroggy Megaman would be a pretty good get.
2 Badger1stSergeant Man, I get a little gaming in
2 kenzertz [no title]
2 Brandon Brooks People still play it
2 TeamCrazyMatt Final game limerick:
2 TJ Gorsegner The best kind of correct
2 TawnyFroggy Good thing names are apparently your game.
2 TeamCrazyMatt Eighth inning limerick:
2 SooFoo Fan far from it
2 Asthix Holy cow!
2 SooFoo Fan Tornado chasers are crazy yet awesome
2 blackmankitteh [no title]
2 Brandon Brooks Polanc.io
2 TeamCrazyMatt Third inning limerick:
2 wayback boom
2 SooFoo Fan RIP, badcoffee
2 Devereaux Noche de Eddies
2 TawnyFroggy I thought SooFoo Fan was your real name
2 blackmankitteh our backup catcher is better at pitching than their backup catcher
2 MNWildcat Out of frustration I turn off the radio feed and go to the bar
1 JoetheMauler A win? At home?
1 less cowbell, more 'neau IN THE MIDDLE OF I-29
1 less cowbell, more 'neau THUNDER!
1 TeamCrazyMatt Of course the announcer ends it with "an historic"
1 less cowbell, more 'neau HAIL
1 CG19 Scrabble's back
1 TeamCrazyMatt 34 combined hits
1 TeamCrazyMatt We could always use fresh Farm Report pics
1 less cowbell, more 'neau WOO
1 SooFoo Fan Imma retweet the hell out of that
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Or just surprise them.
1 TeamCrazyMatt 5 for 5 for Number 5
1 Flip27 It's so fitting that Gimenez's hit breaks the franchise record for hits in a game.
1 TawnyFroggy RELIEF PITCHER BACKUP CATCHER DUEL
1 Brandon Brooks Challenging up 20-6 is a baller move
1 Brandon Brooks Let's get 30 hits
1 gonzobob and around and around
1 blackmankitteh 3 home runs, wow.
1 wayback Any more hits and Gimenez will get to pitch for the Mariners
1 Brandon Brooks I WAS CAUGHT
1 Desert Aaron Nice game Eddie!
1 less cowbell, more 'neau HAT TRICK!!!!!!!!!!!
1 TeamCrazyMatt YES
1 SooFoo Fan Also, Cleveland lost
1 TeamCrazyMatt Guess Dong Fest got donged
1 TawnyFroggy Woooooooooo
1 CG19 These limericks seem fun, I want to try
1 CG19 Hits will also haunt
1 polkamoves 21 runs
1 Brandon Brooks Two games up!
1 TeamCrazyMatt ROSI3!!!!
1 SooFoo Fan See ya Scrabble
1 Brandon Brooks "We'll trade you Chris Gimenez for three outs"
1 CG19 Gimenez traded to Seattle in the middle of the game to pitch to us
1 Brandon Brooks And score ten more runs off em
1 TeamCrazyMatt Thrown Out On The Bases Like A Nincompoop
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Will it be live streaming on TT?
1 carl006 After 3 innings, every Twins starter has at least 1 hit and either 1 run or 1 RBI, except one player.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Bullpen
1 Pau from the sky-tinted water Here's my axe, use it wisely
1 CG19 How'd we lose 20 games in one night?
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Turn the radio off again
1 kenzertz Woo.
1 TawnyFroggy Who is stalking?
1 blackmankitteh this game is not over.
1 Brandon Brooks I step away for once second
1 MNWildcat YOU'RE NOT MY ALCOHOL SUPERVISOR
1 Kyle Edelbrock I like you
1 less cowbell, more 'neau That's like in Nebraska, dude.
1 SooFoo Fan Rain approacheth
1 Kyle Edelbrock Gibson is so odd
1 Pau from the sky-tinted water Molitor, it was only an 8 run lead, why do you continue to send him out there?
1 CG19 Gimenez might be pitching for Seattle tonight
1 kenzertz Singles Night at Target Field.
1 Brandon Brooks He's not sucking too much right now
1 SooFoo Fan We called it mat ball in grade school
1 SooFoo Fan I hope the Mariners enjoy the complementary 2 run first inning
1 SooFoo Fan I don't think I'll change my name ever
1 Brandon Brooks It's twinsbrewer all over again!
1 TJ Gorsegner I wish I was that cool :smile:
1 TJ Gorsegner and he's already had tommy john
1 TawnyFroggy He's an eligible bachelor, ladies.
1 TawnyFroggy I want to marry Max Kepler
1 Name-Game He's so hot right now
1 TJ Gorsegner at this point it would be more like Joe Schmo #9
1 Brandon Brooks Well, he's also proven he CAN, judging by his 2014-15 numbers.
1 TeamCrazyMatt Misread as "NRA"
1 TJ Gorsegner If the Gibson gets through 6 and only allows 3 runs thats not a bad outcome
1 Devereaux RUN DIFFERENTIAL
1 TawnyFroggy Like clogs or something, I dunno
1 Name-Game Curling
1 montanatwinsfan "Improved" it?
1 CG19 Never mind, try hugging a flag pole
1 SooFoo Fan I will try
1 TawnyFroggy Uh oh.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau IN THE MIDDLE OF A RAILROAD TRACK
1 TJ Gorsegner so... my future Mother-In-Law arrived?
1 TJ Gorsegner If all else fails, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye
1 Brandon Brooks Maybe TJ's future mother-in-law is haunted
1 montanatwinsfan that is great
1 TawnyFroggy Tell them to just burn the whole thing down.
1 Devereaux Don't be a hero
1 TeamCrazyMatt Sixth inning limerick:
1 Brandon Brooks THUNDER
1 MNWildcat Rhymes well when said in an Aussie accent.
1 TeamCrazyMatt something something Mauer something something suckage something
1 TJ Gorsegner We would get all the siteviews for that one
1 TJ Gorsegner hmmm... golden underpants
1 Devereaux Escobar!!
1 Gunnarthor Myjah would cry at your funeral but I wouldn't show up
1 kenzertz Another National Weather Service interruption!
1 Brandon Brooks Joe Mauer needs a Gold-ass Glove this year
1 Gunnarthor I prefer my limerick's to be dirtier
1 blackmankitteh Twins made like 5 great plays defensively and Gibson still gave up 6 runs
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Ask montanatwinsfan
1 TawnyFroggy You all better be at my funeral.
1 TJ Gorsegner A man from Montana invented the condom, using a sheep intestine
1 Brandon Brooks Jason got the Golden Fleece
1 montanatwinsfan Nah man
1 gonzobob I don't get it
1 Pau from the sky-tinted water So by Twins standards a quality start for him
1 Brandon Brooks AND I KNEW THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK

I had a comment picked out for COtD but I can’t remember what it was. Too much happened. It was a regular Dong Fest out there.