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Mariners 6, Twins 4: Obviously, Should’ve Traded Santana

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Another glaring front-office misstep proves costly as the Twins sink ever-deeper in the quicksand of difficult-to-escape Tar Pits loserness.

Seattle Mariners v Minnesota Twins
Breathing deeply to subdue his barely restrained rage, Jorge Polanco tries to redeeem the Twins’ roster mistakes yet again.
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

The Seattle Mariners, baseball’s equivalent of a truth serum, forced Twins starter Ervin Santana to surrender five runs on nine hits, proving once and for all that Ervin Santana should have been traded before it was too late.

Santana came into tonight’s game with the lowest hits-per-nine-innings ratio in baseball, which he no longer has, and the Twins would no longer have him if the team’s executives weren’t morons. Something was definitely off with the fake Johan tonight, as he hit one Mariners batter and threw two additional wild pitches. Again, completely predictable, for anyone who isn’t a Falvey-supporting sheeple.

Seattle jumped out early on a Mitch Haniger two-run dong that traded pitchers are incapable of giving up, as they subsequently play for teams YOU FOOLED. Three straight third-inning two-out hits, including a Mike Zunino told-you-so-er, made the lead 5-0, and a Twins lineup that would lead all of baseball in everything if only a good trade had been made was unable to come back.

Continuing yesterday’s Edomination, Eduardo Escobar got Minnesota on the board against way better pitcher Sam Gaviglio in the fifth inning. Followed by a solo blast via Byron Buxton, who would be playing for the Yankees now if only some idiots hadn’t insisted on refusing to consider moving him and Santana for Aaron Judge and C.C. Sabathia.

Miguel Sano, futilely resisting Twins management ineptitude, would later dong in Joe Mauer for a one-run deficit, yet Minnesota was unable to get any closer, definitely because the anchor of still having Santana on this roster weighs on every hitter’s heart the way that guilt over hiding repeated serial murders demoralizes most Texans.

Your Comment Of The Gamethread: “The Twins were stoopids and should have traded Santana for two AAA fireballers who would so be in the majors right now, instead Cinderella’s pumpkin has come home to roost in just desserts,” by twinsbrewer.

(Actual non-sarcastic thanks to Asthix for running with the psychoactive 7-Up joke. A reader! Love ya!)

STUD: Byron Buxton, we all knew there was never a problem with him, 3-3, 1 BB, 1 HR

DUDS: Ervin Santana’s parents, for ever being horny, when Uncle Juan always said their children would fail

Robot Roll Call: