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New Twins jersey nicknames for Players Weekend

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My suggestions for what the Twins should put on the back of their jerseys for MLB’s newest holiday (?) uniform weekend.

Hitmen v Outlaws Smart
Coming soon to a Twins jersey near you!

In case you haven’t heard, the MLB is going to allow players to have a nickname on the their jersey for Players Weekend, on August 25-27. Of course, it’s the MLB, so inappropriate things like, “69 IS DIVINE” or “F%#& MANFRED” won’t be allowed. I was wondering what names the Twins will use.

Some players come with preset nicknames, like Berrios with “La MaKina” (The Machine), or Duffey with “Duff-Man,” and there’s a bajillion Gardenhire “-sy”nicknames out there, but here are a few of my suggestions:

  • Jose Berrios - CAP’N CRUNCHBERRIES or maybe BEES as a subtle GOB from Arrested Development reference (GOB was not on board either, BTW).
  • Miguel Sano - SANO WAY OUT as in “Sano is way out there” and “There goes (S)another Sano dinger on it’s way out of the park,” or “There’S no way out for you this time, McCann!” They’ll probably go with SANO PLOW or something like that. Lame.
  • Eddie Rosario - NICE GUY EDDIE most people would go with the common FAST EDDIE or OUTFIELD EDDIE to distinguish him from Escobar, but I’m a big Reservoir Dogs fan and that was Chris Penn’s character’s name.
  • Byron Buxton - BUXAROO BANZAI Sure his nickname is really “Buck” (Yawn) but with my new nickname he can have adventures across the 8th dimension for at least one day.
  • Taylor Rogers - MISTER ROGERS or DUCK DODGERS I’m torn on this one. Mr. Rogers is pretty easy one, but he could walk up to the mound, put an a sweater and change shoes, such fun! And sure, Buck Rogers was also an obvious choice, but the 1953 “Duck Dodgers in the 24 12 Century” always made me laugh as I watched while eating a bowl of Fruit Loops on Saturday mornings back in the olden times.
  • Craig Breslow - 7H3 PR0F3550R he’s a smart dude.
  • Chris Gimenez - SLIPPIN GIMI it’s a good nod to Better Call Saul especially for a guy who cons umps... I mean, “frames pitches” for a living.
  • Joe Mauer - JO MONEY JO PROBLEMS yeah, he’ll never wear that in a million years and I’m just going to rule out OLD MAN JESUS altogether.
  • Max Kepler - THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF oh sure, there’s more obvious choices like, MAD MAX or, THE BAVARIAN BOMBER, or something about astronomy, but Kepler-Rozycki adds a whole new option to the nickname heap.
  • Phil Hughes - MAYOR MCRIB do I really need to explain that one?
  • Tyler Duffey - DUFFEY THE BATSMAN SLAYER I’m giving DUFF-MAN the weekend off.
  • Brian Dozier - NODOZ The Powers That Be won’t let that one go through probably. DOOZER is my other choice, but I doubt Brian is a Fraggle Rock fan.

There’s more player nicknames out there, but either the MLB or the players would nix them like, CARLINDA BELISLE, for Matt Belisle, STICKY BUDDY for Boshers or MDMA for Molitor. Any ideas?