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Twins 9, White Sox 7: Dollar a Dong Night

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Losing streak over!

Chicago White Sox v Minnesota Twins
“UNPROTECTED SEX!”
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

It was a tense and high scoring affair full of homeruns, walks and runners left on base. While starter Ervin Santana is in the middle of violently regressing to the mean, the offense happily remembered that scoring a lot of runs really really helps win ballgames.

The Twins started off their day the right way in the bottom of the 1st when future perennial all-star Miguel Sano launched a two run bomb over the center-field fence. For his part, Ervin Santana worked around two singles in the first and a lead-off double in the second to pitch a scoreless first two innings. This luck would run out hard in the 3rd inning. This luck would slide headfirst into first and still be out by a mile.

Melky Cabrera and Jose Abreu hit back to back doubles, soon followed by Avisail Garcia and Matt Davidson hitting back go back dongerinos. When asked in the post game “what the hell?” Ervin simply replied that he likes symmetry, apparently.

The Sox didn’t get to enjoy the 4-2 lead long, for in the bottom of that very same inning the Twins kicked back. Totally rad, dude. With one out, Miguel Sano walked (it would haunt™) and quickly moved over to second when Robbie Grossman followed up with a single, and then scored when Joe Mauer did the same.

Kennys Vargas approached the plate.

“What is that extra s in your name for?” asked Chicago starter Derek Holland.

“It stands for ‘shut up and pitch the ball I’m about to hit a three run dong nearly 500 feet.” Vargas replied.

“My, that is a mouthful.” Holland granted. “I can see why you shortened that to just an s.”

Then Holland pitched the ball and Vargas hit it very very much over the fence. Here is a link to the video of the 483 monster dong, which happens to be the longest hit by a Twin in the statcast era!

The Twins still weren’t done with the 3rd. Eddie Rosario would single and steal second, later being driven in by a Jason Castro single that drove Holland out of the game.

In the 5th, the White Sox brought in two runs, but in the bottom half of the same inning, Byron Buxton answered by singling in one of his own, keeping the Twins up by 2. Feeling left out of the slugfest, Jose Abreu hit his own dinger in the sixth. It was a solo affair, leaving the Twins still leading by one. The Sox would leave a two runners on (including one at third) in the 6th, 7th and 8th, but the Twins bullpen managed to bail out enough water to stay afloat.

Avisail Garcia would give the Twins some insurance runs in the 9th by being a bad fielder and making 2 errors. Brandon Kintzler wouldn’t need them, however, as he earned the save with a 1-2-3 ninth. With the win, and a Cleveland loss, the Twins make up a game and now trail the AL-Central leading Indians by 1.5 games.

STUDS:
Vargas: Big dong.
Mauer: 2 for 4, 2 runs, a walk, and an RBI. Pretty much a gold-glove first baseman at this point.
Buxton: 2 for 3 with a walk.
Kintzler: Three consecutive outs by a member of the Twins bullpen?????????!!!!!!!

DUDS:
(This space intentionally left blank, Twins win.)

Comment of the Gamethread because I said so:

MNWildcat: “My kingdom for one fucking reliever.”

Just provide me with your full legal name and a valid credit card number and I will send you the official Twinkle Town Comment Award Gift Bag!

ROCK-EM SOCK-EM ROBOT ROLL CALL

# Commenter # Comments
1 Brandon Brooks 53
2 TJ Gorsegner 43
3 SooFoo Fan 34
4 gintzer 33
5 less cowbell, more 'neau 31
6 Rahil Modi 28
7 TawnyFroggy 24
8 MNWildcat 21
9 Joel Hernandez 19
10 kenzertz 18
11 Gunnarthor 14
12 Asthix 13
13 Devereaux 12
14 Coach Farmer 10
15 STRBCK 9
16 blackmankitteh 7
17 Can't Read Good 7
18 Hayden A 5
19 Nick Rothe 3
20 CG19 3
21 Pau from the sky-tinted water 2
22 gonzobob 2
23 RhinoandCompass 2
24 TeamCrazyMatt 2
25 Imakesandwichesforaliving 2
26 Kyle Edelbrock 1
27 mefoolonhill 1
# Recs Commenter Comment Link
6 Joel Hernandez I always thought it was a lefty thing
6 MNWildcat You can just say "myjah"
4 SooFoo Fan [no title]
4 TawnyFroggy I dunno, I think he and SooFoo would be cute together.
4 SooFoo Fan Beck's a loser, baby
4 SooFoo Fan [no title]
3 TawnyFroggy Entire bullpen on DL for severe burns
3 TawnyFroggy Communism is right
3 Joel Hernandez I am a Twins reliever
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Remember yesterday when some guy said we should trade Vargas because he didn't play a position?
2 STRBCK I was sayin booze n tits
2 SooFoo Fan I always thought ghosts would say something more scary like
2 less cowbell, more 'neau DONUT
2 Joel Hernandez I never score don't worry
2 kenzertz Home runs:
2 TJ Gorsegner Anthony Rizzo is getting off scot-free for that illegal slide
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Bert buzzed Dick's tower
2 gintzer The Twins should state irreconcilable differences.
2 RhinoandCompass They aren't booing
2 TJ Gorsegner but only after they DFA'd him
2 less cowbell, more 'neau That blockhead
2 gintzer Granite would have hit a HR farther than Vargas's shot also!
2 Hayden A Orioles beat the Indians
2 Brandon Brooks It needs a massage
2 MNWildcat Haha, Vargas' response to Audra's question if he was surprised how far he hit it:
2 Brandon Brooks No one's even realized that all of mine contain ciphers
2 Joel Hernandez Has our number 1 overall pick pitched a complete game yet?
2 Brandon Brooks If Hunter Greene was on the mound, Rosario would have caught it
1 gintzer Ultimate faith in that bullpen.
1 TJ Gorsegner Kintzler being Kintzler
1 Devereaux REC
1 Brandon Brooks Hi
1 Hayden A Go Twins Go
1 TJ Gorsegner 1.5 back! Brand New Ballseason!
1 Rahil Modi I hope Joe Mauer is a final vote candidate
1 Brandon Brooks NO DUDS! TWINS WIN! TWINS WIN!
1 Brandon Brooks Might just be stadium sound
1 Joel Hernandez As long as I can have my own private bathroom
1 SooFoo Fan SooFoo Shoos booers
1 MNWildcat Counterpoint: You have to fly Spirit.
1 SooFoo Fan Booey booey shooey shooey
1 Rahil Modi If it was Granite in left, he would've caught it
1 TawnyFroggy Living people always tell me that anyway
1 RhinoandCompass SooFoo Boos Booers
1 MNWildcat My kingdom for one fucking reliever.
1 SooFoo Fan Living people are dumb
1 Asthix I was saying Busenitz...
1 TawnyFroggy I'm just actually a ghost.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau One guy has stick he's trying to hit a white ball with
1 Brandon Brooks Aw, man
1 Brandon Brooks ONE
1 Brandon Brooks O THE
1 less cowbell, more 'neau T
1 Brandon Brooks BEGINNING
1 kenzertz o.
1 TawnyFroggy They did trade Santana.
1 Brandon Brooks Good old Gene Rayburn
1 TawnyFroggy THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
1 less cowbell, more 'neau THER
1 Brandon Brooks IT
1 Brandon Brooks LET
1 Joel Hernandez Long Dong!
1 Brandon Brooks SANO
1 less cowbell, more 'neau 'S
1 less cowbell, more 'neau 'S
1 Brandon Brooks GO
1 TawnyFroggy Dick calls good dongs.
1 gonzobob Me, too.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau LASER
1 Brandon Brooks WITH YOUR
1 less cowbell, more 'neau THE BOBBLEHEADS
1 Asthix Go Twins go!!
1 TJ Gorsegner That belongs in the "Joe Mauer Dad-Joke Jokebook, for dads"
1 TJ Gorsegner *bales
1 MNWildcat I come back from playing tennis for 45 minutes
1 Brandon Brooks Buzzr TV?
1 Brandon Brooks THE
1 less cowbell, more 'neau BITES
1 less cowbell, more 'neau TO
1 less cowbell, more 'neau TWINS
1 TawnyFroggy Don't stop drinking/eating.
1 Brandon Brooks ' BALLPARK, TARGET
1 SooFoo Fan [no title]
1 Brandon Brooks LOOK
1 less cowbell, more 'neau *hey

Have a nice life, assholes.