Mariners 6, Twins 5: Seattle Catchers Make You Sad, Hipster Microsoft Toolbags Happy

In short, to use what they call a LEDE, the Twins’ bullpen lost this game, only in a perfectly normal fashion which is rather different from the Giant Bag Of Festering Poo Pus it generally employs. So don’t be as mad as you usually would.

3B Kyle Seager, who hit 30 dongs last season, jerked a solo shot against Tyler Duffey. C Mike Zunino, who had three dongs on the year, stroked one off Brandon Kintzler. These things are frustrating, as they will eventually result in Cleveland winning the division, beginning their three century Reign Of Horror, but it’s not like the Twins embarrassed themselves here. (Your starter tomorrow is Kyle Gibson, Esq.)

Adalberto Mejia at least got through five innings, which is kind of a moral victory, giving up his usual too-many walks and long dongs. Including another by Zunino, and one to DH Carlos Ruiz. That’s right, it was the Mariners’ .229-hitting #1 catcher and .204-hitting backup catcher who went Tower Of Power. Such is baseball. Blindfold Drew Butera like a kid at a birthday party swinging at a pinata, he’ll occasionally crack one.

In fact, all the Mariners’ scoring came via dongs, which is one way to beat the Twins’ outfield defense.

Your Boys In Blue had RBIs from Lazy Joe Mauer and “Bad Hair” Brian Dozier, plus the customary money shot by Miguel Sano. To make you feel like strangling a baby puppy* out of jealousy, the Mariners’ bullpen went two innings, allowing one hit, no walks, and no runs. Nice things are nice.

(* Yes, I get that all puppies are, by definition, baby puppies. It’s a late game. I get to half-ass this.)

Cleveland lost, so the Twins are still clinging to gossamer dreams of staying in first place. The Mariners improved their record to 30-30, which is not so good as the Twins, so BITE ME MARINER MOOSE.

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