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Twins second-half preview: Who will be the fifth starter?

Using advanced metrics, we attempt to predict each game’s starting pitcher.

New York Mets Photo Day
he’s big, he’s sexy, he’s big sexy
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It’s hard to predict anything. Ask a meteorologist or Nate Silver. And when the thing you’re trying to forecast has proven wholly unpredictable over an 88-game sample, well, you’re really in the weeds.

Still, using the advanced metrics at our disposal, a keen eye for the Twins’ current roster and minor league options, and a base of historical knowledge that we’ll put up against the most seasoned observers, here are Twinkie Town’s projections for who will toe the rubber for each remaining fifth start of 2017.

(This assumes the team will treat each off-day like a turn in the rotation and keep everyone on an every-five-days schedule; if there is an extra day of rest given somewhere along the way and an emergency fifth starter is needed, print this out and burn it, we want nothing to do with it.

GAME 93: Bartolo Colon vs. New York Yankees. This one seems like a done deal, even though he struggled in last night’s start versus the Iron Pigs.

GAME 110: Felix Jorge vs. Milwaukee Brewers. Wouldn’t it be great if we were wrong and Colon just nailed down that 5-spot for the rest of the year as the Twins surged toward the 2nd wild card spot? Man.

GAME 115: Hector Santiago vs Detroit Tigers. He’s “healthy” after being “hurt” but it might not change the fact that he’s “not very good”.

GAME 124: Dillon Gee vs. Chicago White Sox. The veteran gets called into action for the second half of a doubleheader.

GAME 129: Longtime season ticket holder Curt Lyons vs. Toronto Blue Jays. Not liking their options, the Twins hold an exclusive lottery prior to the game. The 57-year-old real estate agent from Orono has never played beyond slow-pitch softball, but “We like his attitude, he really wants to go out there and compete,” per pitching coach Neal Allen.

GAME 138: Bert Blyleven vs. Tampa Bay Rays. “It will keep him and Bremer from killing each other,” says a team source.

Game 143: A good, large dog vs. Kansas City Royals. People love dogs.

Game 148: The troops vs. Toronto Blue Jays. People love the troops.

Game 153: Forfeit vs. Detroit Tigers. Fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Fuck.

Game 162: Fernando Romero vs. Detroit Tigers. Will throw seven innings, allowing three hits and striking out eight. Everyone will lose their mind about him not getting called up earlier.