Yankees 6, Twins 3: Ruptured Colon

Human meme Bartolo Colon made his Twins debut today, starting the game against the Nuevo-Yorkshire Yankerinos. His first inning was pure bliss, as he soft-tossed a 1-2-3 inning capping in a caught-looking strikeout of Aaron Judge who is probably actually from Jotunheim. Ain’t no rules says a Jotunkind can’t play ball.

In their half, Brian Dozier and Zack Granite led off with back-to-back walks. Later, Miguel Sano got plunked to load the bases with one out. Max Kepler didn’t do anything good with that, but Robbie Grossman made the (first) walk haunt with his own walk, when he walked to first while Dozier walked home to score the first run. Miguel Sano would get his revenge with a solo dong in the 3rd.

For his part, Colon’s second and third were scoreless, and he even fielded his position like a big sexy cat. The Yankees strung a few hits together to get one in the 4th, but a Jason Castro double followed by a Brian Dozier triple got the run back. Dozier was stranded there, of course, because runners left on base are all the rage this year, apparently.

Then the 5th arrived and the big sexy cat started pitching about as well as one might expect an actual big sexy cat to. Like imagine you are the Twins owner and you are on some African safari and you see a Cheetah and are all “That’s a damn fine cat.” because I don’t know, you have some issues and are into that kind of thing. So you sign him to a minor league contract and eventually let him start in the majors. Pretty weird decision making skills there, Pohlad. Seek help.

I, uh, what? Was I recapping a game? Anyway of course the Yankees scored 5 in the 5th, including a two-run Didi Gregorious home-run. Goodbye Bartolo. See you in retirement.

Too soon?

Not much happened after that. A plague of mayflies invaded Target Field looking for Colon’s food stash (this wouldn’t have happened in the dome) and made it look like really annoying snowfall. The Twins loaded the bases in the 8th but decided not to score because hey! Why not? Joe Mauer walked to start the bottom of the 9th. As they say, it ain’t over until its over. Then it was over, so it was really over.

Twins drop to 47-46 and will look to win the series anyway tomorrow.

STUDS:
Sano: Did the dong thing.
Hildenberger: Got out of a jam like some sort of good relief-pitcher.

DUDS:
Bartolo :(
Eddie Rosario: 7 men left on base. 7.

Roll Call Thing

# Recs	Commenter	Comment Link
8	Daniel Carlson	Go; Bartolo; Go;!! ;;;;;;
8	Brandon Brooks	COLON GOT JUDGE TO SWING AND MISS
8	SooFoo Fan	[no title]
7	Win-MIN-Twins	Bartolo Colón has now thrown a pitch in every ballpark in the majors.
7	Joel Hernandez	What if he needs to pee
7	Daniel Carlson	You mean Big Taxy?
7	montanatwinsfan	Gladden (paraphrased):
6	Gunnarthor	They have buckets
6	Joel Hernandez	I didn't account for that
6	SooFoo Fan	Sorry
5	CG19	Phil Hughes: Still giving up ribbies on the DL
5	Imakesandwichesforaliving	He should stay in the booth forever.
5	Joel Hernandez	Mauer pays them well
5	SooFoo Fan	Its like they cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced
5	Win-MIN-Twins	Aaron Judge is nine inches taller and three pounds lighter than Bartolo Colón.
5	Asthix	Go Twins go!!
5	less cowbell, more 'neau	Rec'd
4	less cowbell, more 'neau	That's how you empty it.
4	TawnyFroggy	We get it, Joel.
4	less cowbell, more 'neau	They have a golf club for that
4	montanatwinsfan	as long as Punto doesn't get in between them?
4	CG19	The 2 best players in the league are facing off
4	Coolhandluke1	[no title]
4	TawnyFroggy	.....
4	TawnyFroggy	Or smell. Or whatever.
4	Can't Read Good	Oh god. It's happening. Oh god.
4	TawnyFroggy	2deep
4	TawnyFroggy	The second half of my life will neither be better nor worse than the first.
4	SooFoo Fan	Problem is we don't know when the second half starts
3	SooFoo Fan	Hildy!!!
3	Gunnarthor	He's pretty good, actually
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	A horse-sized duck would be awesome to ride around on
3	Brandon Brooks	YEAH YOU DID
3	TawnyFroggy	You just go when he's out desolating or whatever.
3	SooFoo Fan	Big sexy cat
3	Bb_referee	Oh the picture didn’t work right...
3	TJ Gorsegner	HOME RUN! DOZIER HOLDS AT THIRD
3	montanatwinsfan	Is our colon bursting at the seams?
3	TJ Gorsegner	PLEASE DONT SHIT THE BED
3	Brandon Brooks	MAXIMUM KEPLER!
3	NJG319	#BartoloColon4President
3	TawnyFroggy	Well if its just the Twins playing the Twins
3	Brandon Brooks	BIG SEXY CAT
3	CG19	Let's check the list
3	TJ Gorsegner	Justin and Torii in the booth forever, can this be a thing?
3	Brandon Brooks	Bartolo has the facial sweat of a champion
3	clutterheart	A no hitter by Colon would be just so sweet
3	Gunnarthor	freaking Mauer
3	Joel Hernandez	Finally some sexy-ness is here
3	TawnyFroggy	Rude.
3	TawnyFroggy	Stop writing my recap for me.
3	Can't Read Good	Leads all twins pitchers in K/9
3	montanatwinsfan	So this quote from MLB.com regarding Phil Hughes:
3	TawnyFroggy	Just do that inning 6 more times.
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	PP has a new article up.
3	Gunnarthor	Walks still haunting!
3	TawnyFroggy	Actually no wait, keep writing it for me.
3	TawnyFroggy	JASON IS GONNA BE IN THE BOOTH?
3	Can't Read Good	Justin Morneau?!
3	Win-MIN-Twins	There are kids watching who never watched Morneau as a Twin.
2	SooFoo Fan	He has a bat and hits things very far!
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	[no title]
2	Gunnarthor	Walks will still haunt!
2	Coach Farmer	Seeing BIG SEXY plastered all over FSN is the best thing ever
2	SooFoo Fan	Did you guys know that Aaron Judge is very large?
2	SooFoo Fan	You should see me on Sundays
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	You should watch where you're going.
2	Gunnarthor	Seemed like we got as little out of that as possible
2	CG19	Yeah, I can feel it
2	montanatwinsfan	I have sad news for you kids...
2	Bb_referee	Colon is starting to blow...
2	Brandon Brooks	JOSH HAMILTON IS IN THE BOOTH???
2	CG19	8 more times
2	TawnyFroggy	Every game that is mine to recap goes 56 hours long.
2	Daniel Carlson	((truth))
2	montanatwinsfan	Jason Sano?
2	Bb_referee	I set myself up for this!
2	SooFoo Fan	That's a Stanley Hardened Steel Security winning combination
2	Brandon Brooks	Hey, Robbie!
2	TawnyFroggy	Hildenboiga
2	Asthix	Hildy!!
2	Coach Farmer	This.
2	CG19	How about Busenitz?
2	SooFoo Fan	I really think Busenitz could be good
2	Gunnarthor	Makes me sad
2	Coach Farmer	Hildy!
2	NJG319	Did that just happen?
2	SooFoo Fan	Yeah, I can taste it
2	TawnyFroggy	Fascinating
2	Imakesandwichesforaliving	GO BARTOLOMEW GO
2	Daniel Carlson	figures
2	TawnyFroggy	His voice is mega-smooth.
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	Kepler reminds me of Morneau except with fewer HRs
2	TawnyFroggy	(Boo I'm a walk ghost)
2	Gunnarthor	Yeah, I can see it.
2	Brandon Brooks	Yeah, I can hear it.
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	Big Catty Sex
1	Joel Hernandez	Robbie with that Gross-Eye of his
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	If they hadn't killed Radke the Raptor, they wouldn't have as many bugs flying around.
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Somebody already did that joke.
1	Brandon Brooks	Oh, what the hell happened
1	TJ Gorsegner	GO TWINS GO
1	montanatwinsfan	1-2-3-l-o-l
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Squopps
1	Daniel Carlson	Should pinch hit Escobar for Polonco agaisnt a lefty
1	Joel Hernandez	Or against any type of pitcher
1	CG19	Colon was too lazy to run to first, so he just tagged him
1	CG19	Inter beauty
1	Daniel Carlson	imagine....dragons
1	Joel Hernandez	Even Chad the tax accountant?
1	TawnyFroggy	Need Nick Punto in the the middle in-case punches are thrown.
1	MNWildcat	Wait, tomorrow's a getaway day?
1	TawnyFroggy	He was cool.
1	SooFoo Fan	Best not to think about your ex's
1	Brandon Brooks	You draw that walk, you lazy motherfucker, you
1	Gunnarthor	Cheez-its are horrible
1	Can't Read Good	That's the kind of hard hitting take that'll get you places.
1	TJ Gorsegner	and Mt. Dew bottles
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Makes our upcoming series with them a bit lighter
1	TawnyFroggy	FUCK
1	NJG319	I disagree with that statement
1	TawnyFroggy	Duck chocobos would be amazing.
1	TawnyFroggy	WALKS WILL HAUNT
1	TawnyFroggy	I grew up with a guy who steadfastly believes they do.
1	SooFoo Fan	This 5th inning is ruining a good night
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Roman Imperator Didi Gregorivs
1	Joel Hernandez	What a swell dong
1	Brandon Brooks	Against all logical and conventional thinking, Bartolo is pitching how I thought he would
1	Daniel Carlson	Let's get a grand salami now...
1	montanatwinsfan	uh oh
1	Daniel Carlson	For Colon?
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	No hitter gone
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	I didn't know you hit them too.
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	I think Justin Morneau is in the booth with Dick'nBert!
1	TawnyFroggy	Yeah, I can taste it.
1	SooFoo Fan	Why do you think I hit them?
1	Brandon Brooks	LEEEEEEEEEEEEEET IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANOOOOOOOOO!!!
1	Hayden A	I'm here.
1	Win-MIN-Twins	DOZIER
1	TawnyFroggy	He's adorable and I love him.
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	BYB "Poll: What do you think of the J.D. Martinez trade?"
1	TawnyFroggy	Cat sex.
1	Can't Read Good	Color me surprised.
1	SooFoo Fan	I've run into people who think it's the hitters fault that happens
1	TawnyFroggy	I know
1	TawnyFroggy	Crap
1	Joel Hernandez	I must be missing one hell of a Twins Broadcast
1	Gunnarthor	OK, I stepped away for like 5 minutes. Why are we talking about cat sex?
1	SooFoo Fan	Gene Glynn is really off his game
1	Panthers FTW	dont cleanse our Colon please
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Pull him!
1	TJ Gorsegner	Catty Big Sex
1	Brandon Brooks	Cat Sex

I’m sorry I talked so much. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. Also that’s a solid amount of recs! I like it, you guys are usually so stingy (unless you are reccing all of one guy’s comments for comedic effect.)

Have a nice day, I love you all! (Except you. You know who you are.)