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Yankees 6, Twins 3: Ruptured Colon

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Not sexy enough to stifle the Yankees.

New York Yankees v Minnesota Twins
THICC
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Human meme Bartolo Colon made his Twins debut today, starting the game against the Nuevo-Yorkshire Yankerinos. His first inning was pure bliss, as he soft-tossed a 1-2-3 inning capping in a caught-looking strikeout of Aaron Judge who is probably actually from Jotunheim. Ain’t no rules says a Jotunkind can’t play ball.

In their half, Brian Dozier and Zack Granite led off with back-to-back walks. Later, Miguel Sano got plunked to load the bases with one out. Max Kepler didn’t do anything good with that, but Robbie Grossman made the (first) walk haunt with his own walk, when he walked to first while Dozier walked home to score the first run. Miguel Sano would get his revenge with a solo dong in the 3rd.

For his part, Colon’s second and third were scoreless, and he even fielded his position like a big sexy cat. The Yankees strung a few hits together to get one in the 4th, but a Jason Castro double followed by a Brian Dozier triple got the run back. Dozier was stranded there, of course, because runners left on base are all the rage this year, apparently.

Then the 5th arrived and the big sexy cat started pitching about as well as one might expect an actual big sexy cat to. Like imagine you are the Twins owner and you are on some African safari and you see a Cheetah and are all “That’s a damn fine cat.” because I don’t know, you have some issues and are into that kind of thing. So you sign him to a minor league contract and eventually let him start in the majors. Pretty weird decision making skills there, Pohlad. Seek help.

I, uh, what? Was I recapping a game? Anyway of course the Yankees scored 5 in the 5th, including a two-run Didi Gregorious home-run. Goodbye Bartolo. See you in retirement.

Too soon?

Not much happened after that. A plague of mayflies invaded Target Field looking for Colon’s food stash (this wouldn’t have happened in the dome) and made it look like really annoying snowfall. The Twins loaded the bases in the 8th but decided not to score because hey! Why not? Joe Mauer walked to start the bottom of the 9th. As they say, it ain’t over until its over. Then it was over, so it was really over.

Twins drop to 47-46 and will look to win the series anyway tomorrow.

STUDS:
Sano: Did the dong thing.
Hildenberger: Got out of a jam like some sort of good relief-pitcher.

DUDS:
Bartolo :(
Eddie Rosario: 7 men left on base. 7.

Roll Call Thing

# Recs Commenter Comment Link
8 Daniel Carlson Go; Bartolo; Go;!! ;;;;;;
8 Brandon Brooks COLON GOT JUDGE TO SWING AND MISS
8 SooFoo Fan [no title]
7 Win-MIN-Twins Bartolo Colón has now thrown a pitch in every ballpark in the majors.
7 Joel Hernandez What if he needs to pee
7 Daniel Carlson You mean Big Taxy?
7 montanatwinsfan Gladden (paraphrased):
6 Gunnarthor They have buckets
6 Joel Hernandez I didn't account for that
6 SooFoo Fan Sorry
5 CG19 Phil Hughes: Still giving up ribbies on the DL
5 Imakesandwichesforaliving He should stay in the booth forever.
5 Joel Hernandez Mauer pays them well
5 SooFoo Fan Its like they cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced
5 Win-MIN-Twins Aaron Judge is nine inches taller and three pounds lighter than Bartolo Colón.
5 Asthix Go Twins go!!
5 less cowbell, more 'neau Rec'd
4 less cowbell, more 'neau That's how you empty it.
4 TawnyFroggy We get it, Joel.
4 less cowbell, more 'neau They have a golf club for that
4 montanatwinsfan as long as Punto doesn't get in between them?
4 CG19 The 2 best players in the league are facing off
4 Coolhandluke1 [no title]
4 TawnyFroggy .....
4 TawnyFroggy Or smell. Or whatever.
4 Can't Read Good Oh god. It's happening. Oh god.
4 TawnyFroggy 2deep
4 TawnyFroggy The second half of my life will neither be better nor worse than the first.
4 SooFoo Fan Problem is we don't know when the second half starts
3 SooFoo Fan Hildy!!!
3 Gunnarthor He's pretty good, actually
3 less cowbell, more 'neau A horse-sized duck would be awesome to ride around on
3 Brandon Brooks YEAH YOU DID
3 TawnyFroggy You just go when he's out desolating or whatever.
3 SooFoo Fan Big sexy cat
3 Bb_referee Oh the picture didn’t work right...
3 TJ Gorsegner HOME RUN! DOZIER HOLDS AT THIRD
3 montanatwinsfan Is our colon bursting at the seams?
3 TJ Gorsegner PLEASE DONT SHIT THE BED
3 Brandon Brooks MAXIMUM KEPLER!
3 NJG319 #BartoloColon4President
3 TawnyFroggy Well if its just the Twins playing the Twins
3 Brandon Brooks BIG SEXY CAT
3 CG19 Let's check the list
3 TJ Gorsegner Justin and Torii in the booth forever, can this be a thing?
3 Brandon Brooks Bartolo has the facial sweat of a champion
3 clutterheart A no hitter by Colon would be just so sweet
3 Gunnarthor freaking Mauer
3 Joel Hernandez Finally some sexy-ness is here
3 TawnyFroggy Rude.
3 TawnyFroggy Stop writing my recap for me.
3 Can't Read Good Leads all twins pitchers in K/9
3 montanatwinsfan So this quote from MLB.com regarding Phil Hughes:
3 TawnyFroggy Just do that inning 6 more times.
3 less cowbell, more 'neau PP has a new article up.
3 Gunnarthor Walks still haunting!
3 TawnyFroggy Actually no wait, keep writing it for me.
3 TawnyFroggy JASON IS GONNA BE IN THE BOOTH?
3 Can't Read Good Justin Morneau?!
3 Win-MIN-Twins There are kids watching who never watched Morneau as a Twin.
2 SooFoo Fan He has a bat and hits things very far!
2 less cowbell, more 'neau [no title]
2 Gunnarthor Walks will still haunt!
2 Coach Farmer Seeing BIG SEXY plastered all over FSN is the best thing ever
2 SooFoo Fan Did you guys know that Aaron Judge is very large?
2 SooFoo Fan You should see me on Sundays
2 less cowbell, more 'neau You should watch where you're going.
2 Gunnarthor Seemed like we got as little out of that as possible
2 CG19 Yeah, I can feel it
2 montanatwinsfan I have sad news for you kids...
2 Bb_referee Colon is starting to blow...
2 Brandon Brooks JOSH HAMILTON IS IN THE BOOTH???
2 CG19 8 more times
2 TawnyFroggy Every game that is mine to recap goes 56 hours long.
2 Daniel Carlson ((truth))
2 montanatwinsfan Jason Sano?
2 Bb_referee I set myself up for this!
2 SooFoo Fan That's a Stanley Hardened Steel Security winning combination
2 Brandon Brooks Hey, Robbie!
2 TawnyFroggy Hildenboiga
2 Asthix Hildy!!
2 Coach Farmer This.
2 CG19 How about Busenitz?
2 SooFoo Fan I really think Busenitz could be good
2 Gunnarthor Makes me sad
2 Coach Farmer Hildy!
2 NJG319 Did that just happen?
2 SooFoo Fan Yeah, I can taste it
2 TawnyFroggy Fascinating
2 Imakesandwichesforaliving GO BARTOLOMEW GO
2 Daniel Carlson figures
2 TawnyFroggy His voice is mega-smooth.
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Kepler reminds me of Morneau except with fewer HRs
2 TawnyFroggy (Boo I'm a walk ghost)
2 Gunnarthor Yeah, I can see it.
2 Brandon Brooks Yeah, I can hear it.
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Big Catty Sex
1 Joel Hernandez Robbie with that Gross-Eye of his
1 less cowbell, more 'neau If they hadn't killed Radke the Raptor, they wouldn't have as many bugs flying around.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Somebody already did that joke.
1 Brandon Brooks Oh, what the hell happened
1 TJ Gorsegner GO TWINS GO
1 montanatwinsfan 1-2-3-l-o-l
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Squopps
1 Daniel Carlson Should pinch hit Escobar for Polonco agaisnt a lefty
1 Joel Hernandez Or against any type of pitcher
1 CG19 Colon was too lazy to run to first, so he just tagged him
1 CG19 Inter beauty
1 Daniel Carlson imagine....dragons
1 Joel Hernandez Even Chad the tax accountant?
1 TawnyFroggy Need Nick Punto in the the middle in-case punches are thrown.
1 MNWildcat Wait, tomorrow's a getaway day?
1 TawnyFroggy He was cool.
1 SooFoo Fan Best not to think about your ex's
1 Brandon Brooks You draw that walk, you lazy motherfucker, you
1 Gunnarthor Cheez-its are horrible
1 Can't Read Good That's the kind of hard hitting take that'll get you places.
1 TJ Gorsegner and Mt. Dew bottles
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Makes our upcoming series with them a bit lighter
1 TawnyFroggy FUCK
1 NJG319 I disagree with that statement
1 TawnyFroggy Duck chocobos would be amazing.
1 TawnyFroggy WALKS WILL HAUNT
1 TawnyFroggy I grew up with a guy who steadfastly believes they do.
1 SooFoo Fan This 5th inning is ruining a good night
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Roman Imperator Didi Gregorivs
1 Joel Hernandez What a swell dong
1 Brandon Brooks Against all logical and conventional thinking, Bartolo is pitching how I thought he would
1 Daniel Carlson Let's get a grand salami now...
1 montanatwinsfan uh oh
1 Daniel Carlson For Colon?
1 less cowbell, more 'neau No hitter gone
1 less cowbell, more 'neau I didn't know you hit them too.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau I think Justin Morneau is in the booth with Dick'nBert!
1 TawnyFroggy Yeah, I can taste it.
1 SooFoo Fan Why do you think I hit them?
1 Brandon Brooks LEEEEEEEEEEEEEET IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANOOOOOOOOO!!!
1 Hayden A I'm here.
1 Win-MIN-Twins DOZIER
1 TawnyFroggy He's adorable and I love him.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau BYB "Poll: What do you think of the J.D. Martinez trade?"
1 TawnyFroggy Cat sex.
1 Can't Read Good Color me surprised.
1 SooFoo Fan I've run into people who think it's the hitters fault that happens
1 TawnyFroggy I know :disappointed:
1 TawnyFroggy Crap
1 Joel Hernandez I must be missing one hell of a Twins Broadcast
1 Gunnarthor OK, I stepped away for like 5 minutes. Why are we talking about cat sex?
1 SooFoo Fan Gene Glynn is really off his game
1 Panthers FTW dont cleanse our Colon please
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Pull him!
1 TJ Gorsegner Catty Big Sex
1 Brandon Brooks Cat Sex

I’m sorry I talked so much. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. Also that’s a solid amount of recs! I like it, you guys are usually so stingy (unless you are reccing all of one guy’s comments for comedic effect.)

Have a nice day, I love you all! (Except you. You know who you are.)