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Dodgers 6, Twins 5: Collapse Into Now

Additionally, your house in Maplewood was bought by a 26-year-old real estate mogul from Laguna Beach. He surfs, you don’t, he’s tanned, you’re not. Comply.

Minnesota Twins v Los Angeles Dodgers
Somebody has to wash that f-ing beach rat hair.
Photo by Harry How/Getty Images

Because the Twins are mediocre, and the Dodgers are very good, Minnesota lost to Los Angeles this morning, 6-5, after taking a 5-0 lead.

That’s the First Paragraph. All the pertinent details.

Here, in the third paragraph, allow me to share a deep sense of personal despair at losing to Southern California, yet again. I lived there. Twice. The sheer viciousness, cruelty, and embrace of utter shallowness I encountered kicked my ass so hard it took me a decade to recover. Obviously my experience was subjective, and not an accurate representation of what, I’m sure, are the many fine people in that region.

But it did kick my ass, and in a way no other place has. Betrayal by people I trusted became the norm, always justified by “you need to be more laid back, like us.” As Pauline Kael wrote more than 50 years ago, “Los Angeles dislocates my values, makes me ashamed of not being all the things I’m not and don’t ordinarily care to be. Each time I get on the jet to return [home] it’s like turning the time-machine backward and being restored to an old civilization that I understand.”

Losing to that culture, to that mindset, keeps reaffirming that there’s no point in trying. No point in attempting to have a conscience or ethical code. It’s all against all, baby, and why don’t you tan at the beach more?

Yeah. Onto baseball.

Ervin Santana was solid through the first six innings, giving up only two solo homers. After that second dong, the Twins still led, 5-2. Since the Twins’ bullpen is somewhere beyond the Toxic Zone of Instant Death, Santana came out for the seventh inning and was promptly smacked around. 38-year-old Chase Utley, batting .229, drove in both two-out runs, because this was destined to be. LA: where everyone becomes their destiny. Dream those dreams, dreaming dreamers.

As for that 5-0 lead, you can read how it happened here. I don’t want to talk about it. Zack Granite, Joe Mauer, and Brian Dozier all had RBI hits. Whoop-di-dingle-doo.

Best game moment: With the tying run on second and two out in inning #7, Taylor Rogers got megastar Corey Seager to harmlessly fly out, keeping Minnesota’s lead at 5-4. All kudos to Molitor for bringing in Rogers for a crucial stretch earlier than planned. He’d do the same with Brandon Kintzler subsequently; it would not go as well.

Silliest game moment: Kintzler gave up a game-tying sac fly one inning later. Inexplicably, Zack Granite threw to first, perhaps trying to double off the runner, Enrique Hernandez. NOBODY WAS COVERING FIRST. Hernandez reached third on the brain fart. He didn’t eventually score, but it didn’t matter. You knew it wouldn’t.

Game-winner: RBI base hit by Justin Turner in the ninth, Kintzler’s second inning. Naturally.

Worst game moment: Max Kepler led off the ninth with a double. Molitor elected for Ehire Adrianza to bunt, giving up an out, and leaving the heroics to power-slugging Jason Castro as the Dodgers predictably played infield-in. Castro struck out. Jorge Polanco struck out. LA won soon afterwards. LA, and what it stands for, always does.

Comment of the game: Brandon Brooks, with “Probably not gonna watch baseball again for the rest of my life.” This is not true, nor is my unfair dismissal of all things Southern Californian, but it feels true right now.

Indulgent music to go with indulgent lead paragraph, because I am quite Sad: And here it is.

Robot Roll Call observation about LA: “Los Angeles had drained us, as it always does, like some sort of huge, hairless ape you pay twenty bucks to wrestle and it simply sits on your head until you submit.” — Kevin Murphy, actual co-creator of the Robot Roll Call

TwinkieTown Robot Roll Call: