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Twins 8, Rangers 4: Bartolo Colon just pitched a complete game at 44 years old

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I don’t believe what I just saw.

MLB: Texas Rangers at Minnesota Twins
If you had told me this would this would be a thing that happened basically ever before this point in time...
Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Bartolo Colon started for the Twins Friday night against the Rangers. He gave up two runs in the top of the first inning, putting the Twins in an early 2-0 hole. It looked bad.

To say that no one saw what was coming next would be an understatement.

Colon—yes, the 44-year-old, rotund, and struggling pitcher—pitched a complete-game for the Twins. It wasn’t a shutout, but the Twins still won 8-4. It makes Colon the oldest pitcher to ever pitch a complete game for the Twins, and the oldest pitcher in MLB to pitch a complete game since Jaime Moyer in 2010.

I mean... I am dumbfounded, shocked, and so happy all at once. I feel so inspired I want to go to Cub Foods, buy a box of day-old donuts, eat the entire thing, and then throw the empty box against the wall as hard as I possible can. BARTOLO!

Even better news though: Colon wasn’t even the only Twins record-setter in this game! Brian Dozier led off the game with a home run, as Dozier is wont to do. The Twins ended up batting around in the first inning, though, so Dozier also led off the second inning—and hit another lead-off home run. Sorry that feat got cast aside by Colon’s complete game (except not sorry).

That first inning, though... that was fun. After Dozier’s home run, Miguel Sano singled, Joe Mauer hit a home run walked, and then Robbie Grossman hit a MONSTER home run to score three runs. Seriously, that thing was a blast. It looked like the kind of dinger Sano would hit.

Through it all, Bartolo persevered. Even when the Twins batters took forever, batting around in the bottom for the first inning, Colon came out like the stud specimen that he is and kept throwing baseballs. He somehow got the job done. I watched the entire game and I’m still not even sure how it happened. It was like watching a baby learn to walk again after it had already walked once, but then had both of its legs broken in some sort of horrible freak accident, but then this was the first time it walked again.

All hail Big Sexy.

MLB: Texas Rangers at Minnesota Twins
AIN’T TOO OLD TO COVER IN GATORADE!
Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

STUDS

  • Bartolo Colon: Duh.
  • Brian Dozier: TWO home runs in the first two innings, 3-for-5 overall.
  • Robbie Grossman: 2-for-4, 1 home run, 3 RBI, 2 runs scored.

duds

  • Joe Mauer: Made his first error of the season, no home runs.

ROLL CALL!

# Recs Commenter Comment Link
7 montanatwinsfan Provus: "This is by far the deepest Colon I've seen."
6 Coach Farmer I've noticed that too, it's a classy move
6 less cowbell, more 'neau Someone forgot to carry the 1 so now we're sellers instead of buyers
6 TeamCrazyMatt Tom Brady: "Look what I can do at age 40"
5 Imakesandwichesforaliving I've noticed that Mauer hands his stuff to the bat boy
5 Name-Game Grossman heard you tonight.
5 Name-Game Dozier on pace for 9 dongs tonight!
4 Pau from the sky-tinted water You're not my supervisor!
4 James Fillmore He stroked a dong
4 kenzertz But he calls the bat boy "bitch" when he does it.
4 James Fillmore Funny that Chris Parnell plays almost the same role on Archer
4 Coach Farmer [no title]
4 SooFoo Fan Would've killed the rally
4 Pau from the sky-tinted water Sitting here on call until midnight
4 kenzertz This is Bartolo Colon's 1st Win as a member of YOUR Minnesota Twins.
4 Joel Hernandez hi
4 less cowbell, more 'neau Good thing no one was clogging the bases ahead of him.
4 kenzertz Phil NIekro had 2 CG in his age-48 season.
3 James Fillmore Who would have thought the old man had so much blood in him
3 SooFoo Fan brilliant
3 Name-Game Bartolo is so fascinating to watch
3 kenzertz 3 CG in his age-45 season.
3 James Fillmore RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, BRADY
3 kenzertz A White Sox LHP named Aaron Bummer gave up a walk-off HR to the Red Sox tonight.
3 less cowbell, more 'neau We're gonna need a bigger jar
3 less cowbell, more 'neau Colon coming back out
3 less cowbell, more 'neau I'd do it.
3 less cowbell, more 'neau GO TO HELL, MCCANN!!!!!!!!
3 James Fillmore Weird how that terminology works
3 less cowbell, more 'neau There it is
3 James Fillmore Bich is Latin for generosity
3 montanatwinsfan THE DONGS! THE DONGS! OMG, THE DONGS!
3 montanatwinsfan THE DONGS! THE DONGS! OMG, THE DONGS!
3 Name-Game I guess Polly didn't want a cracker
2 less cowbell, more 'neau The underrated, The Tick
2 James Fillmore Fuck it Paul leave him in
2 James Fillmore Oldest Twin ever with a CG
2 less cowbell, more 'neau I just tried to "z" scroll on Twitter
2 blackmankitteh okay so the formula is out there for Twins pitchers
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Imagine if all the Twins started stroking dongs and blasted them all over Target Field
2 montanatwinsfan you enjoy watching Dozier stroke a dong?
2 Asthix Blurn!
2 James Fillmore It was
2 TJ Gorsegner Go Twins Go
2 kenzertz Before the game started, Dozier was 2nd on the Twins in HR this season.
2 Asthix Gimenez referred to Colon as 72 yrs old on the radio interview
2 James Fillmore Mauer brought his dog's poop to the game and threw it at a kid in the stands
2 kenzertz He only started 6 games that season!
2 Asthix KC and CLE went on 9 game winning streaks
2 James Fillmore There's some noise about the FDA regulating nicotine in cigarettes
2 gintzer You guys will be without my services for the remainder of the evening.
2 less cowbell, more 'neau He looks like a grumpy assistant mgr. at a Baskin-Robbins
2 less cowbell, more 'neau It's easy to get too excited around so many long dongs
2 Imakesandwichesforaliving 900*
1 Imakesandwichesforaliving If Colon finishes the 9th
1 Asthix Go Granite! Do the thing!!
1 James Fillmore Muscle motor memory
1 SooFoo Fan Sano's x-rays were negative
1 Imakesandwichesforaliving TWSS
1 James Fillmore This game will be 15-14 by the fourth inning
1 James Fillmore They make me post inappropriate things on occasion
1 less cowbell, more 'neau [no title]
1 Pau from the sky-tinted water Calling it, Mauer goes yard .... or ground DP
1 less cowbell, more 'neau DOZE-BOMB!!!
1 less cowbell, more 'neau LOL they Gatoraded his game ball
1 Lestermilk I'm back!
1 Asthix Is he not the oldest human to ever throw a complete game?
1 montanatwinsfan OUR COLON DIDN'T BLOW!
1 Name-Game I missed out on the voiceover work convo you all had as I was on the phone with my mother
1 Name-Game Oh yeah
1 less cowbell, more 'neau LOL of course it was GoGo
1 Asthix Big Sexy is back y'all
1 James Fillmore Good news, everyone!
1 Pau from the sky-tinted water Well, not yard but I'll take 90 ft
1 James Fillmore "The Simpsons" has been on way too long
1 blackmankitteh Sano going for the cycle
1 Imakesandwichesforaliving Nice catch by Grossman
1 Imakesandwichesforaliving 9 dongs?
1 James Fillmore Joey being Joey
1 SooFoo Fan Robbie having a whale of a game
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Ditto
1 montanatwinsfan um, oops
1 TJ Gorsegner Nothing new then
1 James Fillmore Beltre's been around forever
1 Coach Farmer Mauer likes that flexy shaft
1 TeamCrazyMatt Where's Kurt Suzuki and his Axe Bat?
1 Coach Farmer *crickets*
1 kenzertz Gimenez should hit a leadoff HR this inninng.
1 kenzertz Hey, how about that.
1 kenzertz I got selfish.
1 kenzertz In 1998.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Ditto
1 Asthix :disappointed: :disappointed:
1 Coach Farmer Yeah that's like a whole other thing, the anime dubber crowd
1 blackmankitteh :disappointed:
1 James Fillmore I haven't watched "Family Guy" in years
1 montanatwinsfan Colon still pumping it out through the 7th?
1 James Fillmore Barnette's team photo makes him look like Dave Grohl
1 Name-Game It wasn't right there, but it was right there
1 James Fillmore Awesome
1 James Fillmore Almost as old as me, not quite
1 TeamCrazyMatt DOUBLE DOZIER DINGER
1 James Fillmore Love that show
1 Coach Farmer Yeah, but I'm sure they'll be patient
1 James Fillmore It's a lot of fun
1 James Fillmore There's not a bad one in the bunch
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Rick Roll click bait