Bartolo Colon started for the Twins Friday night against the Rangers. He gave up two runs in the top of the first inning, putting the Twins in an early 2-0 hole. It looked bad.
To say that no one saw what was coming next would be an understatement.
Colon—yes, the 44-year-old, rotund, and struggling pitcher—pitched a complete-game for the Twins. It wasn’t a shutout, but the Twins still won 8-4. It makes Colon the oldest pitcher to ever pitch a complete game for the Twins, and the oldest pitcher in MLB to pitch a complete game since Jaime Moyer in 2010.
I mean... I am dumbfounded, shocked, and so happy all at once. I feel so inspired I want to go to Cub Foods, buy a box of day-old donuts, eat the entire thing, and then throw the empty box against the wall as hard as I possible can. BARTOLO!
Even better news though: Colon wasn’t even the only Twins record-setter in this game! Brian Dozier led off the game with a home run, as Dozier is wont to do. The Twins ended up batting around in the first inning, though, so Dozier also led off the second inning—and hit another lead-off home run. Sorry that feat got cast aside by Colon’s complete game (except not sorry).
That first inning, though... that was fun. After Dozier’s home run, Miguel Sano singled, Joe Mauerhit a home run walked, and then Robbie Grossman hit a MONSTER home run to score three runs. Seriously, that thing was a blast. It looked like the kind of dinger Sano would hit.
Through it all, Bartolo persevered. Even when the Twins batters took forever, batting around in the bottom for the first inning, Colon came out like the stud specimen that he is and kept throwing baseballs. He somehow got the job done. I watched the entire game and I’m still not even sure how it happened. It was like watching a baby learn to walk again after it had already walked once, but then had both of its legs broken in some sort of horrible freak accident, but then this was the first time it walked again.
All hail Big Sexy.
Bartolo Colon: Duh.
Brian Dozier: TWO home runs in the first two innings, 3-for-5 overall.