Twins 8, Rangers 4: Bartolo Colon just pitched a complete game at 44 years old

Bartolo Colon started for the Twins Friday night against the Rangers. He gave up two runs in the top of the first inning, putting the Twins in an early 2-0 hole. It looked bad.

To say that no one saw what was coming next would be an understatement.

Colon—yes, the 44-year-old, rotund, and struggling pitcher—pitched a complete-game for the Twins. It wasn’t a shutout, but the Twins still won 8-4. It makes Colon the oldest pitcher to ever pitch a complete game for the Twins, and the oldest pitcher in MLB to pitch a complete game since Jaime Moyer in 2010.

I mean... I am dumbfounded, shocked, and so happy all at once. I feel so inspired I want to go to Cub Foods, buy a box of day-old donuts, eat the entire thing, and then throw the empty box against the wall as hard as I possible can. BARTOLO!

Even better news though: Colon wasn’t even the only Twins record-setter in this game! Brian Dozier led off the game with a home run, as Dozier is wont to do. The Twins ended up batting around in the first inning, though, so Dozier also led off the second inning—and hit another lead-off home run. Sorry that feat got cast aside by Colon’s complete game (except not sorry).

That first inning, though... that was fun. After Dozier’s home run, Miguel Sano singled, Joe Mauer hit a home run walked, and then Robbie Grossman hit a MONSTER home run to score three runs. Seriously, that thing was a blast. It looked like the kind of dinger Sano would hit.

Through it all, Bartolo persevered. Even when the Twins batters took forever, batting around in the bottom for the first inning, Colon came out like the stud specimen that he is and kept throwing baseballs. He somehow got the job done. I watched the entire game and I’m still not even sure how it happened. It was like watching a baby learn to walk again after it had already walked once, but then had both of its legs broken in some sort of horrible freak accident, but then this was the first time it walked again.

All hail Big Sexy.

Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

STUDS

• Bartolo Colon: Duh.
• Brian Dozier: TWO home runs in the first two innings, 3-for-5 overall.
• Robbie Grossman: 2-for-4, 1 home run, 3 RBI, 2 runs scored.

duds

• Joe Mauer: Made his first error of the season, no home runs.

ROLL CALL!

# Recs	Commenter	Comment Link
7	montanatwinsfan	Provus: "This is by far the deepest Colon I've seen."
6	Coach Farmer	I've noticed that too, it's a classy move
6	less cowbell, more 'neau	Someone forgot to carry the 1 so now we're sellers instead of buyers
6	TeamCrazyMatt	Tom Brady: "Look what I can do at age 40"
5	Imakesandwichesforaliving	I've noticed that Mauer hands his stuff to the bat boy
5	Name-Game	Grossman heard you tonight.
5	Name-Game	Dozier on pace for 9 dongs tonight!
4	Pau from the sky-tinted water	You're not my supervisor!
4	James Fillmore	He stroked a dong
4	kenzertz	But he calls the bat boy "bitch" when he does it.
4	James Fillmore	Funny that Chris Parnell plays almost the same role on Archer
4	Coach Farmer	[no title]
4	SooFoo Fan	Would've killed the rally
4	Pau from the sky-tinted water	Sitting here on call until midnight
4	kenzertz	This is Bartolo Colon's 1st Win as a member of YOUR Minnesota Twins.
4	Joel Hernandez	hi
4	less cowbell, more 'neau	Good thing no one was clogging the bases ahead of him.
4	kenzertz	Phil NIekro had 2 CG in his age-48 season.
3	James Fillmore	Who would have thought the old man had so much blood in him
3	SooFoo Fan	brilliant
3	Name-Game	Bartolo is so fascinating to watch
3	kenzertz	3 CG in his age-45 season.
3	James Fillmore	RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, BRADY
3	kenzertz	A White Sox LHP named Aaron Bummer gave up a walk-off HR to the Red Sox tonight.
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	We're gonna need a bigger jar
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	Colon coming back out
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	I'd do it.
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	GO TO HELL, MCCANN!!!!!!!!
3	James Fillmore	Weird how that terminology works
3	less cowbell, more 'neau	There it is
3	James Fillmore	Bich is Latin for generosity
3	montanatwinsfan	THE DONGS! THE DONGS! OMG, THE DONGS!
3	montanatwinsfan	THE DONGS! THE DONGS! OMG, THE DONGS!
3	Name-Game	I guess Polly didn't want a cracker
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	The underrated, The Tick
2	James Fillmore	Fuck it Paul leave him in
2	James Fillmore	Oldest Twin ever with a CG
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	I just tried to "z" scroll on Twitter
2	blackmankitteh	okay so the formula is out there for Twins pitchers
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	Imagine if all the Twins started stroking dongs and blasted them all over Target Field
2	montanatwinsfan	you enjoy watching Dozier stroke a dong?
2	Asthix	Blurn!
2	James Fillmore	It was
2	TJ Gorsegner	Go Twins Go
2	kenzertz	Before the game started, Dozier was 2nd on the Twins in HR this season.
2	Asthix	Gimenez referred to Colon as 72 yrs old on the radio interview
2	James Fillmore	Mauer brought his dog's poop to the game and threw it at a kid in the stands
2	kenzertz	He only started 6 games that season!
2	Asthix	KC and CLE went on 9 game winning streaks
2	James Fillmore	There's some noise about the FDA regulating nicotine in cigarettes
2	gintzer	You guys will be without my services for the remainder of the evening.
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	He looks like a grumpy assistant mgr. at a Baskin-Robbins
2	less cowbell, more 'neau	It's easy to get too excited around so many long dongs
2	Imakesandwichesforaliving	900*
1	Imakesandwichesforaliving	If Colon finishes the 9th
1	Asthix	Go Granite! Do the thing!!
1	James Fillmore	Muscle motor memory
1	SooFoo Fan	Sano's x-rays were negative
1	Imakesandwichesforaliving	TWSS
1	James Fillmore	This game will be 15-14 by the fourth inning
1	James Fillmore	They make me post inappropriate things on occasion
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	[no title]
1	Pau from the sky-tinted water	Calling it, Mauer goes yard .... or ground DP
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	DOZE-BOMB!!!
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	LOL they Gatoraded his game ball
1	Lestermilk	I'm back!
1	Asthix	Is he not the oldest human to ever throw a complete game?
1	montanatwinsfan	OUR COLON DIDN'T BLOW!
1	Name-Game	I missed out on the voiceover work convo you all had as I was on the phone with my mother
1	Name-Game	Oh yeah
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	LOL of course it was GoGo
1	Asthix	Big Sexy is back y'all
1	James Fillmore	Good news, everyone!
1	Pau from the sky-tinted water	Well, not yard but I'll take 90 ft
1	James Fillmore	"The Simpsons" has been on way too long
1	blackmankitteh	Sano going for the cycle
1	Imakesandwichesforaliving	Nice catch by Grossman
1	Imakesandwichesforaliving	9 dongs?
1	James Fillmore	Joey being Joey
1	SooFoo Fan	Robbie having a whale of a game
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Ditto
1	montanatwinsfan	um, oops
1	TJ Gorsegner	Nothing new then
1	James Fillmore	Beltre's been around forever
1	Coach Farmer	Mauer likes that flexy shaft
1	TeamCrazyMatt	Where's Kurt Suzuki and his Axe Bat?
1	Coach Farmer	*crickets*
1	kenzertz	Gimenez should hit a leadoff HR this inninng.
1	kenzertz	Hey, how about that.
1	kenzertz	I got selfish.
1	kenzertz	In 1998.
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Ditto
1	Asthix
1	Coach Farmer	Yeah that's like a whole other thing, the anime dubber crowd
1	blackmankitteh
1	James Fillmore	I haven't watched "Family Guy" in years
1	montanatwinsfan	Colon still pumping it out through the 7th?
1	James Fillmore	Barnette's team photo makes him look like Dave Grohl
1	Name-Game	It wasn't right there, but it was right there
1	James Fillmore	Awesome
1	James Fillmore	Almost as old as me, not quite
1	TeamCrazyMatt	DOUBLE DOZIER DINGER
1	James Fillmore	Love that show
1	Coach Farmer	Yeah, but I'm sure they'll be patient
1	James Fillmore	It's a lot of fun
1	James Fillmore	There's not a bad one in the bunch
1	less cowbell, more 'neau	Rick Roll click bait