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Area woman realizes how many of her kids she likes less than Byron Buxton

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“When I heard the news, I was like, “Why not Tyler? He’s a little shit sometimes.’”

Chicago White Sox v Minnesota Twins Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

The diagnosis on Byron Buxton’s injured hand came back better than many feared, but not before Twins fan Mary Hauser, 44, came to a startling realization.

“I was more worried about him than my boy Cale, and he’s in the hospital.”

Hauser, a mother of four, said her relief that Buxton was day-to-day with a hand contusion, rather than out for a month or two with a broken hamate bone, made her reassess her relationship with her family.

“I’ll be honest with you, my kids can be pricks,” said the Cottage Grove human resources administrator. “Cale’s got a busted arm from doing skateboard tricks on the stairs at the middle school, which I’ve told him 100 goddamn times not to do. Buxton is carrying this team. He needs to be healthy, especially if (Miguel) Sano is still hurt.”

Hauser said her relationship with her children is far from strained, but Buxton’s injury has clarified some things.

“When I heard the news, I thought, ‘Why not Tyler? He’s a little shit sometimes.’ Same thing goes for Brendan, my youngest. Kid can’t stay out of detention. All three boys take after their dad (Hauser is divorced), so I assume they’ll just leave home for the next redhead who’ll give ‘em a beej in the Friday’s parking lot. Buxton seems like he’s got a good head on his shoulders.

“That’s when I realized that I was pretty invested in this team. And that my boys, God love ‘em, are...”

Hauser’s voice trailed off, and she took a sustained hit off her vape pen.

“My daughter Kayleigh is a great girl, straight As, has her own babysitting business, is already getting recruited by colleges in 9th grade. Love her to death. No way I’d trade her well-being for a baseball player I’ve never met.

“That said, I’d be lying if I hadn’t said a little prayer to the Lord that if Byron was OK, Cale’s fracture could be compound. Mike (Hauser’s ex-husband) has great insurance. He can pull his face out of what’s-her-name’s tits to fill out a couple forms.”

Buxton is already cleared for pinch-running and defense, but it is not known when he’ll be back in the lineup.

“I think everyone was prepared for the worst-case scenario,” said Hauser. “I slept like shit on Thursday, and not just because Tyler broke curfew again. I’m glad he’s going to be OK.”

Hauser later clarified that she meant Buxton, not Tyler, who is grounded.