Twins 16, Padres 0: Secret of the Seven Dongs

Kyle Gibson sat cross legged, seemily floating gently a hair's width above the surface of the pristine waters beneath. He had tasted success, but his early defeats still weighted heavily upon his mind.

"Let go of the past." his master said, appearing from nothing as if light itself did his bidding. "There is only the future."

The Monk had given him the magic balls and he had learned the way of the ultimate sink. Success had followed, but still his critics screamed "fluke." Kyle grumbled and stood up, sinking waist deep into the waters as his concentration waned. The monk watched the ripples of the water disturb the waterbugs upon the surface and send them skittering into a panic.

"You still have much to learn." The monk shook his head and then opened his mouth to continue.

"Ha!" a voice scoffed, causing the two men to jump to attention. "Truly those magical balls belong to me!"

"Travis Wood?!" Kyle exclaimed, his eyes seeming to widen to inhuman proportions. "But you were stuck in the ruins of old San Diego!"

"I've traveled years to finally find you. Those balls will be mine!"

Kyle stepped forward to place a hand upon his old friend's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Travis, my friends need my balls as they are. I can not relinquish them until our victory is final!"

Wood smirked, a twinkle of light shining as the sun hit his revelaed teeth. If Gibson would not relinquish his balls, he would take his balls by force! There was a a sudden movement, and in a blink Kyle was stumbling back. He regained his footing and looked forth in horror. Wood had pulled a knife, but it wasn't his gut it met, but that of his master. The Monk had pushed himself in-between and taken the mortal blow.

"You must..." he stammered as he crumpled into a noble heap upon the ground. "protect the balls." Kyle screamed as his hair becoming blonde and spiky for some reason no one present could explain. He took a step back and drew out one of the magic balls. He wound back with ferocity and threw the ball forward with great force. It was not his foe that was the target, however. Using on of the seven true techniques of the prime dragons, Kyle's pitch set aflame and scorched the ground, winding around the pair and back into his glove, a giant diamond now carved around them.

"This will be the place of our final battle."

"So be it." His foe replied.

So naturally they gathered like 30 friends each and played a game of baseball.

(I’M SO SORRY FOR THIS INTRO, BUT OH WELL IT IS SEPTEMBER)

The Twins brought their bats today, mostly because it was a baseball game and it would be rather silly if they didn’t. Still, they hit for an egregious amount of power today, absolutely destroying the evil Travis Wood and the rest of his pitching minions.

Brian Dozier hit his 30th homerooni in the first, but the big story was the 2nd. Four one out singles by Eddie Rosario, Robbie Grossman, Jason Castro and Ehire Adrianza added two more runs. After Dozier struck out, Joe Mauer hit yet another single, than Jorge Polanco ruined the fun by hitting a homerun. Ugh, what a jerk. 7-0 Twins. The dongs did not stop.

• 3rd inning: Jason Castro hits a two run shot.
• 4th Inning: Likewise for Eddie Rosario.
• 5th Inning: Castro strokes another dong, this time it was a solo affair.
• 6th Inning: Eduardo Escobar joins the fun and hits a solo dinger.
• 7th Inning: Kennys Vargas goes big for a 3 run blast. (Also Niko Goodrum got his first MLB hit! Go Niko!)

This is apparently the first time a team has homered in six straight innings to start a game, let alone 7. So hey, records!

Meanwhile Kyle Gibson was just doing his thing. He ended up going 6 innings and giving up 4 hits and no walks. Glen Perkins, Michael Tonkin and MLB-Debuting Gabriel Moya pitched a scoreless inning each and the Twins finished the opener against the Padres with a brutal score of 16 to zip.

RIP That one monk from the one recap.

STUDS: Gibson, Castro, Dozier, Bullpen

DUDS: The Padres EL OH EL

Mole Call:

If you are still reading, I thank you for your amazing patience. If you just skipped to the end, no stop. Go back. You read it all, asshole! You read it all!