Kyle Gibson sat cross legged, seemily floating gently a hair's width above the surface of the pristine waters beneath. He had tasted success, but his early defeats still weighted heavily upon his mind.
"Let go of the past." his master said, appearing from nothing as if light itself did his bidding. "There is only the future."
The Monk had given him the magic balls and he had learned the way of the ultimate sink. Success had followed, but still his critics screamed "fluke." Kyle grumbled and stood up, sinking waist deep into the waters as his concentration waned. The monk watched the ripples of the water disturb the waterbugs upon the surface and send them skittering into a panic.
"You still have much to learn." The monk shook his head and then opened his mouth to continue.
"Ha!" a voice scoffed, causing the two men to jump to attention. "Truly those magical balls belong to me!"
"Travis Wood?!" Kyle exclaimed, his eyes seeming to widen to inhuman proportions. "But you were stuck in the ruins of old San Diego!"
"I've traveled years to finally find you. Those balls will be mine!"
Kyle stepped forward to place a hand upon his old friend's shoulder.
"I'm sorry Travis, my friends need my balls as they are. I can not relinquish them until our victory is final!"
Wood smirked, a twinkle of light shining as the sun hit his revelaed teeth. If Gibson would not relinquish his balls, he would take his balls by force! There was a a sudden movement, and in a blink Kyle was stumbling back. He regained his footing and looked forth in horror. Wood had pulled a knife, but it wasn't his gut it met, but that of his master. The Monk had pushed himself in-between and taken the mortal blow.
"You must..." he stammered as he crumpled into a noble heap upon the ground. "protect the balls." Kyle screamed as his hair becoming blonde and spiky for some reason no one present could explain. He took a step back and drew out one of the magic balls. He wound back with ferocity and threw the ball forward with great force. It was not his foe that was the target, however. Using on of the seven true techniques of the prime dragons, Kyle's pitch set aflame and scorched the ground, winding around the pair and back into his glove, a giant diamond now carved around them.
"This will be the place of our final battle."
"So be it." His foe replied.
So naturally they gathered like 30 friends each and played a game of baseball.
(I’M SO SORRY FOR THIS INTRO, BUT OH WELL IT IS SEPTEMBER)
The Twins brought their bats today, mostly because it was a baseball game and it would be rather silly if they didn’t. Still, they hit for an egregious amount of power today, absolutely destroying the evil Travis Wood and the rest of his pitching minions.
Brian Dozier hit his 30th homerooni in the first, but the big story was the 2nd. Four one out singles by Eddie Rosario, Robbie Grossman, Jason Castro and Ehire Adrianza added two more runs. After Dozier struck out, Joe Mauer hit yet another single, than Jorge Polanco ruined the fun by hitting a homerun. Ugh, what a jerk. 7-0 Twins. The dongs did not stop.
- 3rd inning: Jason Castro hits a two run shot.
- 4th Inning: Likewise for Eddie Rosario.
- 5th Inning: Castro strokes another dong, this time it was a solo affair.
- 6th Inning: Eduardo Escobar joins the fun and hits a solo dinger.
- 7th Inning: Kennys Vargas goes big for a 3 run blast. (Also Niko Goodrum got his first MLB hit! Go Niko!)
This is apparently the first time a team has homered in six straight innings to start a game, let alone 7. So hey, records!
Meanwhile Kyle Gibson was just doing his thing. He ended up going 6 innings and giving up 4 hits and no walks. Glen Perkins, Michael Tonkin and MLB-Debuting Gabriel Moya pitched a scoreless inning each and the Twins finished the opener against the Padres with a brutal score of 16 to zip.
RIP That one monk from the one recap.
STUDS: Gibson, Castro, Dozier, Bullpen
DUDS: The Padres EL OH EL
# Recs |
Commenter |
Comment Link |
8 |
TeamCrazyMatt |
If he pitched the fifth |
6 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Just great. |
6 |
montanatwinsfan |
JESUS F*IN CHRIST CAN'T KYLE GIBSON EVER GET ANY RUN SUPPORT!?!??? |
6 |
Joel Hernandez |
Wat's sup it's your boy Joel |
6 |
Cbrolin |
[no title] |
5 |
darren004 |
Gibson needs to start every game. Pitch to one batter, I don't care. He just needs to start every game. |
5 |
Brandon Brooks |
O stands for OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH |
5 |
SooFoo Fan |
Get out |
5 |
TawnyFroggy |
OH GOSH I LOVE THOSE |
5 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Needs more spinning red lights |
5 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Wastin away again in Polancoville! |
5 |
Brandon Brooks |
My Patreon supporters are brought to you by Audible.com |
5 |
Tom Froemming |
[no title] |
4 |
Brandon Brooks |
I'd like to give a quick shoutout to my Patreon supporters |
4 |
Brandon Brooks |
[no title] |
4 |
SooFoo Fan |
Dead Poets Society is on Netflix now |
4 |
MNWildcat |
I read this as "I'll get my fleshlight." |
4 |
Joel Hernandez |
I thought you will appreciate that Tawny |
4 |
montanatwinsfan |
next time say, hi. That way she'll know its you. |
4 |
Daniel Carlson |
Suddenly everybody wants in on my package |
4 |
Brandon Brooks |
WE ARE ON CYCLE WATCH |
4 |
Joel Hernandez |
Why is that impressive |
4 |
Joel Hernandez |
But most importantly |
4 |
Cbrolin |
How do you not score every inning |
4 |
TawnyFroggy |
Well I wrote the intro to this future recap |
4 |
Joel Hernandez |
hi |
4 |
MNWildcat |
In Minnesota it's only illegal to peek into a shower with a duck on your head. |
3 |
Coach Farmer |
Seems perfect for Goodrum |
3 |
Devereaux |
Glad Dozier is not a Dodger |
3 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Bremer called it |
3 |
TawnyFroggy |
I don't see your point. |
3 |
Brandon Brooks |
We are one batter in |
3 |
TawnyFroggy |
DFA Buxton, don't need him |
3 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
I didn't have any articles today so I didn't get the "Let's post this pic of Dozier today" memo. |
3 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
See? |
3 |
SooFoo Fan |
It actually was FedEx |
3 |
CG19 |
True, we need another homer |
3 |
montanatwinsfan |
we wanna make sure no one can see in |
3 |
Devereaux |
Joe Mauer |
3 |
James Fillmore |
The new Twins GM is Harry Nilsson |
3 |
James Fillmore |
That is weird |
3 |
Brandon Brooks |
I see I am just slightly late to this realization |
3 |
Brandon Brooks |
WHyY yY IS CcASSATroe IN n thE ilneupupuUpup |
3 |
SooFoo Fan |
My package arrived yesterday, actually |
3 |
Bb_referee |
What a game! |
3 |
Brandon Brooks |
[no title] |
3 |
SooFoo Fan |
The Royals are a snake that we ran over with a lawn mower |
3 |
darren004 |
This might be the lowest leverage appearance of all time for a debut. |
3 |
James Fillmore |
Being named "Mitch" |
3 |
kenzertz |
Brian Dozier and Yangervis Solarte were teammates in 2011 on the New Britain Rock Cats. |
3 |
RStev2 |
I'm just here so I don't get internet banned. |
3 |
darren004 |
After Dozier got hit, I am all for just swinging for the fences on every at bat this inning. |
3 |
Daniel Carlson |
What are you Tonkin about? |
3 |
Brandon Brooks |
A HOME RUN IN EVERY INNING |
3 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
RIP Semi-literate Guy |
3 |
montanatwinsfan |
well, he does have magic balls |
3 |
Bat-Boy |
One time I ran over crab apples with a push mower |
3 |
Clearish |
Granite is wayyyy better then Buxton |
2 |
Devereaux |
Cbrolin and gintzer are getting their money's worth |
2 |
Coach Farmer |
SooFoo is in need of one |
2 |
Brandon Brooks |
Are we gonna break that shutout record already |
2 |
James Fillmore |
Sorry |
2 |
CG19 |
Why is Gimenez running for Dozier? |
2 |
TeamCrazyMatt |
(show up for one minute...) |
2 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
No it's over |
2 |
James Fillmore |
T is for Toes |
2 |
Brandon Brooks |
Gibson has gone beast mode |
2 |
TawnyFroggy |
No that's just me. |
2 |
CG19 |
All the call ups are pitching |
2 |
Coach Farmer |
Put a whoopie cushion on Mollie's chair |
2 |
CG19 |
He doesn't |
2 |
Joel Hernandez |
Population? |
2 |
Devereaux |
Welcome to the Jungle |
2 |
TawnyFroggy |
I'm pretty sure that was not a home, RUN! |
2 |
Devereaux |
My wife says she'll go to Puerto Rico with me |
2 |
Coach Farmer |
... end scene |
2 |
James Fillmore |
We'll just skip the part where the most talented songwriter of the era shoots his brain |
2 |
SooFoo Fan |
Yeah |
2 |
Joel Hernandez |
Since this is a blowout I can say anything without getting into trouble |
2 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
[no title] |
2 |
TawnyFroggy |
Someone waved to me from outside my window yesterday. |
2 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Aren't you doing the recap??? |
2 |
Devereaux |
Took my AC window unit out too early |
2 |
Joel Hernandez |
And smash that like button |
2 |
Joel Hernandez |
A life lesson |
2 |
Brandon Brooks |
Kyle Gibson |
2 |
Brandon Brooks |
"Make sure to subscribe" |
2 |
TeamCrazyMatt |
Let's hope Moya lasts longer |
2 |
SooFoo Fan |
Like, Favorite, and Subscribe to my heart |
2 |
Brandon Brooks |
GoFundMe my heart |
2 |
Devereaux |
What a differential |
2 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Liar! |
2 |
Cbrolin |
Goal horn when we score |
2 |
Joel Hernandez |
Wood is taking a beating |
2 |
TeamCrazyMatt |
So painful |
2 |
James Fillmore |
He used to wear the T.C. Bear suit |
2 |
SooFoo Fan |
Can't stop my heart |
2 |
montanatwinsfan |
I thought it was a medical term for uncontrollable convulsions |
2 |
Devereaux |
Hope you're DVRing |
2 |
Devereaux |
Beating San Diego by more than the Vikings beat the Saints |
2 |
James Fillmore |
For some reason |
2 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
LOLPadres |
2 |
Brandon Brooks |
wHy Is CaStRo In ThE lInEuP |
2 |
SooFoo Fan |
Someday you too can be in an HTML table. |
2 |
TeamCrazyMatt |
[no title] |
2 |
montanatwinsfan |
I think the sisters Wilson wrote a song about Kyle Gibson. |
2 |
Joel Hernandez |
With Friends around |
2 |
Brandon Brooks |
Excel to your father |
2 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
USA's national healthcare plan |
2 |
Joel Hernandez |
And follow my Vlog |
2 |
montanatwinsfan |
something translucent or opaque |
1 |
Devereaux |
Sum |
1 |
CG19 |
Good thing it isn't Fathers Day |
1 |
Coach Farmer |
We got a CHAMP on the mound! |
1 |
CG19 |
No pressure |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Moya's a balk machine |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Razor thin win!!!! |
1 |
That'sWhatSheSaid |
I want to be in the . . . |
1 |
Bb_referee |
Don’t we have enough pitching problems... |
1 |
TeamCrazyMatt |
Yeah, great competition |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Cap'n Niko's 1st H |
1 |
CG19 |
It looks like he does a balk before most of his pitches |
1 |
Daniel Carlson |
Cool. Hoping to get the same package for next year |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
This game is far from over |
1 |
Bb_referee |
Yes! |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
That was a show about nothing |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
"Partial" season tickets |
1 |
SooFoo Fan |
This delivery has an over the top, peculiar McGrath |
1 |
SooFoo Fan |
You can stay |
1 |
CG19 |
Oh yeah, I forgot about that storyline |
1 |
CG19 |
A Goodrum hit! |
1 |
Coach Farmer |
Two more actually |
1 |
Coach Farmer |
Time for Garv's first dong! |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
Moya for the non-save |
1 |
Devereaux |
Your wish is about to come true |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
I pulled your finger |
1 |
James Fillmore |
Uptight prudes |
1 |
Devereaux |
Do you get an in on the Puerto Rico series? |
1 |
Brandon Brooks |
Grab my ass |
1 |
Devereaux |
It's officially a plan |
1 |
CG19 |
This guy has a really weird delivery |
1 |
Bb_referee |
I’m thinking of the FedEx commercials from the early 80s... |
1 |
darren004 |
Feels wrong to be rooting for Verlander tonight. |
1 |
Brandon Brooks |
ONLY A DOUBLE LEFT |
1 |
gintzer |
Free tickets = best tix in a long time. Section 104, row 20. Word to your mother. |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
April |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
It's tough getting those back into the car window. |
1 |
SooFoo Fan |
Make sure you hit that "bell" notification icon! |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
I was close |
1 |
TawnyFroggy |
Oh I should have been paying attention. |
1 |
Devereaux |
Now, dude, I say on behalf of everyone |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
T stands for Dongs though |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
To prevent a head injury |
1 |
James Fillmore |
The helmet is essential to this endeavor |
1 |
montanatwinsfan |
PFMA alert |
1 |
SooFoo Fan |
I lol'd |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
He didn't rise for the occasion |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
You and Taylor Swift. |
1 |
Can't Read Good |
Just know, when I'm gone and the Vikings have played more than one regular season game, I left this for you. |
1 |
CG19 |
Mauer killed the rally |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
A bra band? |
1 |
Devereaux |
Szcur |
1 |
CG19 |
If not, why is he even here? |
1 |
Can't Read Good |
Hey, lets see if Lance Barrett can unilaterally remove Rosario from the lineup this game! |
1 |
montanatwinsfan |
Isn't Ehire impossible to get right unless you've heard it pronounced by someone else already? |
1 |
James Fillmore |
Boy, there is not a lot of musical value to our national anthem |
1 |
Brandon Brooks |
Who? |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
The A stands for Amazing because of his pitch framing |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
[no title] |
1 |
James Fillmore |
R stands for ripped since he has Muscles |
1 |
James Fillmore |
Nyet |
1 |
Coach Farmer |
Well there you go |
1 |
Brandon Brooks |
The Grossman scoreth |
1 |
Gunnarthor |
Way to make it dark |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
testing 1, 2, 3, check check check |
1 |
Coach Farmer |
Here comes Perk to let the Padres in on the party |
1 |
SooFoo Fan |
I'm pretty sure that was not a home run, rob |
1 |
TawnyFroggy |
(Wait is that really legal in some states?) |
1 |
James Fillmore |
And hence IT MUST BE USED |
1 |
MNWildcat |
What a frickin dong party. |
1 |
TawnyFroggy |
Who let Granite into the dong party |
1 |
Bat-Boy |
RIP Gibby |
1 |
SooFoo Fan |
I'm pretty sure that was a home, RUN! |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
wow |
1 |
James Fillmore |
The drool of children is less charming than it is merely gross |
1 |
Brandon Brooks |
And the shutout is preserved! |
1 |
AdoreAdorno |
I hope Perk can get it back to the mid-90s |
1 |
Brandon Brooks |
I'm pretty sure that was -- ah! O, me! |
1 |
Coach Farmer |
Gotta honor the master |
1 |
James Fillmore |
If my phone achieved sentience AND opposable thumbs |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
Did you use my comments |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
A stands for Amazing because that is what he is |
1 |
montanatwinsfan |
sentience and opposable thumbs |
1 |
less cowbell, more 'neau |
O Captain, my Captain! |
1 |
James Fillmore |
If phones achieved sentience |
1 |
SooFoo Fan |
On pace to score about 300 runs |
1 |
MNWildcat |
I shudder for your browser history. |
1 |
Cbrolin |
SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR HOLY CRAP |
1 |
Clearish |
WE GOT OURSELVES A DONG PARTY |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
I need to find some attractive people to help pitch the item |
1 |
James Fillmore |
Also rock singers with the surname "Rose" |
1 |
Joel Hernandez |
Well none of those girls wanted to invest in my new invention |
1 |
TeamCrazyMatt |
S is for Slugger because he mashes the ball to bits |
1 |
James Fillmore |
You're chatting up the wrong girls |
1 |
CG19 |
We needed that homer |
If you are still reading, I thank you for your amazing patience. If you just skipped to the end, no stop. Go back. You read it all, asshole! You read it all!