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Twins 16, Padres 0: Secret of the Seven Dongs

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That was seriously a lot of dongs, you guys.

San Diego Padres v Minnesota Twins
Brian Dozier pats a small man on the head. So cute!
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Kyle Gibson sat cross legged, seemily floating gently a hair's width above the surface of the pristine waters beneath. He had tasted success, but his early defeats still weighted heavily upon his mind.

"Let go of the past." his master said, appearing from nothing as if light itself did his bidding. "There is only the future."

The Monk had given him the magic balls and he had learned the way of the ultimate sink. Success had followed, but still his critics screamed "fluke." Kyle grumbled and stood up, sinking waist deep into the waters as his concentration waned. The monk watched the ripples of the water disturb the waterbugs upon the surface and send them skittering into a panic.

"You still have much to learn." The monk shook his head and then opened his mouth to continue.

"Ha!" a voice scoffed, causing the two men to jump to attention. "Truly those magical balls belong to me!"

"Travis Wood?!" Kyle exclaimed, his eyes seeming to widen to inhuman proportions. "But you were stuck in the ruins of old San Diego!"

"I've traveled years to finally find you. Those balls will be mine!"

Kyle stepped forward to place a hand upon his old friend's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Travis, my friends need my balls as they are. I can not relinquish them until our victory is final!"

Wood smirked, a twinkle of light shining as the sun hit his revelaed teeth. If Gibson would not relinquish his balls, he would take his balls by force! There was a a sudden movement, and in a blink Kyle was stumbling back. He regained his footing and looked forth in horror. Wood had pulled a knife, but it wasn't his gut it met, but that of his master. The Monk had pushed himself in-between and taken the mortal blow.

"You must..." he stammered as he crumpled into a noble heap upon the ground. "protect the balls." Kyle screamed as his hair becoming blonde and spiky for some reason no one present could explain. He took a step back and drew out one of the magic balls. He wound back with ferocity and threw the ball forward with great force. It was not his foe that was the target, however. Using on of the seven true techniques of the prime dragons, Kyle's pitch set aflame and scorched the ground, winding around the pair and back into his glove, a giant diamond now carved around them.

"This will be the place of our final battle."

"So be it." His foe replied.

So naturally they gathered like 30 friends each and played a game of baseball.

(I’M SO SORRY FOR THIS INTRO, BUT OH WELL IT IS SEPTEMBER)

The Twins brought their bats today, mostly because it was a baseball game and it would be rather silly if they didn’t. Still, they hit for an egregious amount of power today, absolutely destroying the evil Travis Wood and the rest of his pitching minions.

Brian Dozier hit his 30th homerooni in the first, but the big story was the 2nd. Four one out singles by Eddie Rosario, Robbie Grossman, Jason Castro and Ehire Adrianza added two more runs. After Dozier struck out, Joe Mauer hit yet another single, than Jorge Polanco ruined the fun by hitting a homerun. Ugh, what a jerk. 7-0 Twins. The dongs did not stop.

  • 3rd inning: Jason Castro hits a two run shot.
  • 4th Inning: Likewise for Eddie Rosario.
  • 5th Inning: Castro strokes another dong, this time it was a solo affair.
  • 6th Inning: Eduardo Escobar joins the fun and hits a solo dinger.
  • 7th Inning: Kennys Vargas goes big for a 3 run blast. (Also Niko Goodrum got his first MLB hit! Go Niko!)

This is apparently the first time a team has homered in six straight innings to start a game, let alone 7. So hey, records!

Meanwhile Kyle Gibson was just doing his thing. He ended up going 6 innings and giving up 4 hits and no walks. Glen Perkins, Michael Tonkin and MLB-Debuting Gabriel Moya pitched a scoreless inning each and the Twins finished the opener against the Padres with a brutal score of 16 to zip.

RIP That one monk from the one recap.

STUDS: Gibson, Castro, Dozier, Bullpen

DUDS: The Padres EL OH EL

Mole Call:

# Commenter # Comments
1 Brandon Brooks 48
2 less cowbell, more 'neau 45
3 Coach Farmer 43
4 James Fillmore 37
5 SooFoo Fan 35
6 CG19 34
7 Joel Hernandez 34
8 Devereaux 25
9 TawnyFroggy 19
10 montanatwinsfan 17
11 TeamCrazyMatt 12
12 Clearish 8
13 Daniel Carlson 8
14 darren004 8
15 Bb_referee 8
16 Gunnarthor 7
17 MNWildcat 6
18 Cbrolin 6
19 Bat-Boy 5
20 gintzer 3
21 Can't Read Good 3
22 RStev2 1
23 That'sWhatSheSaid No
24 TJ Gorsegner 1
25 AdoreAdorno 1
26 Tom Froemming 1
27 twinks617 1
28 kenzertz 1
# Recs Commenter Comment Link
8 TeamCrazyMatt If he pitched the fifth
6 less cowbell, more 'neau Just great.
6 montanatwinsfan JESUS F*IN CHRIST CAN'T KYLE GIBSON EVER GET ANY RUN SUPPORT!?!???
6 Joel Hernandez Wat's sup it's your boy Joel
6 Cbrolin [no title]
5 darren004 Gibson needs to start every game. Pitch to one batter, I don't care. He just needs to start every game.
5 Brandon Brooks O stands for OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
5 SooFoo Fan Get out
5 TawnyFroggy OH GOSH I LOVE THOSE
5 less cowbell, more 'neau Needs more spinning red lights
5 less cowbell, more 'neau Wastin away again in Polancoville!
5 Brandon Brooks My Patreon supporters are brought to you by Audible.com
5 Tom Froemming [no title]
4 Brandon Brooks I'd like to give a quick shoutout to my Patreon supporters
4 Brandon Brooks [no title]
4 SooFoo Fan Dead Poets Society is on Netflix now
4 MNWildcat I read this as "I'll get my fleshlight."
4 Joel Hernandez I thought you will appreciate that Tawny
4 montanatwinsfan next time say, hi. That way she'll know its you.
4 Daniel Carlson Suddenly everybody wants in on my package
4 Brandon Brooks WE ARE ON CYCLE WATCH
4 Joel Hernandez Why is that impressive
4 Joel Hernandez But most importantly
4 Cbrolin How do you not score every inning
4 TawnyFroggy Well I wrote the intro to this future recap
4 Joel Hernandez hi
4 MNWildcat In Minnesota it's only illegal to peek into a shower with a duck on your head.
3 Coach Farmer Seems perfect for Goodrum
3 Devereaux Glad Dozier is not a Dodger
3 less cowbell, more 'neau Bremer called it
3 TawnyFroggy I don't see your point.
3 Brandon Brooks We are one batter in
3 TawnyFroggy DFA Buxton, don't need him
3 less cowbell, more 'neau I didn't have any articles today so I didn't get the "Let's post this pic of Dozier today" memo.
3 less cowbell, more 'neau See?
3 SooFoo Fan It actually was FedEx
3 CG19 True, we need another homer
3 montanatwinsfan we wanna make sure no one can see in
3 Devereaux Joe Mauer
3 James Fillmore The new Twins GM is Harry Nilsson
3 James Fillmore That is weird
3 Brandon Brooks I see I am just slightly late to this realization
3 Brandon Brooks WHyY yY IS CcASSATroe IN n thE ilneupupuUpup
3 SooFoo Fan My package arrived yesterday, actually
3 Bb_referee What a game!
3 Brandon Brooks [no title]
3 SooFoo Fan The Royals are a snake that we ran over with a lawn mower
3 darren004 This might be the lowest leverage appearance of all time for a debut.
3 James Fillmore Being named "Mitch"
3 kenzertz Brian Dozier and Yangervis Solarte were teammates in 2011 on the New Britain Rock Cats.
3 RStev2 I'm just here so I don't get internet banned.
3 darren004 After Dozier got hit, I am all for just swinging for the fences on every at bat this inning.
3 Daniel Carlson What are you Tonkin about?
3 Brandon Brooks A HOME RUN IN EVERY INNING
3 less cowbell, more 'neau RIP Semi-literate Guy
3 montanatwinsfan well, he does have magic balls
3 Bat-Boy One time I ran over crab apples with a push mower
3 Clearish Granite is wayyyy better then Buxton
2 Devereaux Cbrolin and gintzer are getting their money's worth
2 Coach Farmer SooFoo is in need of one
2 Brandon Brooks Are we gonna break that shutout record already
2 James Fillmore Sorry
2 CG19 Why is Gimenez running for Dozier?
2 TeamCrazyMatt (show up for one minute...)
2 less cowbell, more 'neau No it's over
2 James Fillmore T is for Toes
2 Brandon Brooks Gibson has gone beast mode
2 TawnyFroggy No that's just me.
2 CG19 All the call ups are pitching
2 Coach Farmer Put a whoopie cushion on Mollie's chair
2 CG19 He doesn't
2 Joel Hernandez Population?
2 Devereaux Welcome to the Jungle
2 TawnyFroggy I'm pretty sure that was not a home, RUN!
2 Devereaux My wife says she'll go to Puerto Rico with me
2 Coach Farmer ... end scene
2 James Fillmore We'll just skip the part where the most talented songwriter of the era shoots his brain
2 SooFoo Fan Yeah
2 Joel Hernandez Since this is a blowout I can say anything without getting into trouble
2 less cowbell, more 'neau [no title]
2 TawnyFroggy Someone waved to me from outside my window yesterday.
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Aren't you doing the recap???
2 Devereaux Took my AC window unit out too early
2 Joel Hernandez And smash that like button
2 Joel Hernandez A life lesson
2 Brandon Brooks Kyle Gibson
2 Brandon Brooks "Make sure to subscribe"
2 TeamCrazyMatt Let's hope Moya lasts longer
2 SooFoo Fan Like, Favorite, and Subscribe to my heart
2 Brandon Brooks GoFundMe my heart
2 Devereaux What a differential
2 less cowbell, more 'neau Liar!
2 Cbrolin Goal horn when we score
2 Joel Hernandez Wood is taking a beating
2 TeamCrazyMatt So painful
2 James Fillmore He used to wear the T.C. Bear suit
2 SooFoo Fan Can't stop my heart
2 montanatwinsfan I thought it was a medical term for uncontrollable convulsions
2 Devereaux Hope you're DVRing
2 Devereaux Beating San Diego by more than the Vikings beat the Saints
2 James Fillmore For some reason
2 less cowbell, more 'neau LOLPadres
2 Brandon Brooks wHy Is CaStRo In ThE lInEuP
2 SooFoo Fan Someday you too can be in an HTML table.
2 TeamCrazyMatt [no title]
2 montanatwinsfan I think the sisters Wilson wrote a song about Kyle Gibson.
2 Joel Hernandez With Friends around
2 Brandon Brooks Excel to your father
2 less cowbell, more 'neau USA's national healthcare plan
2 Joel Hernandez And follow my Vlog
2 montanatwinsfan something translucent or opaque
1 Devereaux Sum
1 CG19 Good thing it isn't Fathers Day
1 Coach Farmer We got a CHAMP on the mound!
1 CG19 No pressure
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Moya's a balk machine
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Razor thin win!!!!
1 That'sWhatSheSaid I want to be in the . . .
1 Bb_referee Don’t we have enough pitching problems...
1 TeamCrazyMatt Yeah, great competition
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Cap'n Niko's 1st H
1 CG19 It looks like he does a balk before most of his pitches
1 Daniel Carlson Cool. Hoping to get the same package for next year
1 Joel Hernandez This game is far from over
1 Bb_referee Yes!
1 less cowbell, more 'neau That was a show about nothing
1 less cowbell, more 'neau "Partial" season tickets
1 SooFoo Fan This delivery has an over the top, peculiar McGrath
1 SooFoo Fan You can stay
1 CG19 Oh yeah, I forgot about that storyline
1 CG19 A Goodrum hit!
1 Coach Farmer Two more actually
1 Coach Farmer Time for Garv's first dong!
1 less cowbell, more 'neau Moya for the non-save
1 Devereaux Your wish is about to come true
1 Joel Hernandez I pulled your finger
1 James Fillmore Uptight prudes
1 Devereaux Do you get an in on the Puerto Rico series?
1 Brandon Brooks Grab my ass
1 Devereaux It's officially a plan
1 CG19 This guy has a really weird delivery
1 Bb_referee I’m thinking of the FedEx commercials from the early 80s...
1 darren004 Feels wrong to be rooting for Verlander tonight.
1 Brandon Brooks ONLY A DOUBLE LEFT
1 gintzer Free tickets = best tix in a long time. Section 104, row 20. Word to your mother.
1 less cowbell, more 'neau April
1 less cowbell, more 'neau It's tough getting those back into the car window.
1 SooFoo Fan Make sure you hit that "bell" notification icon!
1 less cowbell, more 'neau I was close
1 TawnyFroggy Oh I should have been paying attention.
1 Devereaux Now, dude, I say on behalf of everyone
1 Joel Hernandez T stands for Dongs though
1 less cowbell, more 'neau To prevent a head injury
1 James Fillmore The helmet is essential to this endeavor
1 montanatwinsfan PFMA alert
1 SooFoo Fan I lol'd
1 Joel Hernandez He didn't rise for the occasion
1 less cowbell, more 'neau You and Taylor Swift.
1 Can't Read Good Just know, when I'm gone and the Vikings have played more than one regular season game, I left this for you.
1 CG19 Mauer killed the rally
1 less cowbell, more 'neau A bra band?
1 Devereaux Szcur
1 CG19 If not, why is he even here?
1 Can't Read Good Hey, lets see if Lance Barrett can unilaterally remove Rosario from the lineup this game!
1 montanatwinsfan Isn't Ehire impossible to get right unless you've heard it pronounced by someone else already?
1 James Fillmore Boy, there is not a lot of musical value to our national anthem
1 Brandon Brooks Who?
1 Joel Hernandez The A stands for Amazing because of his pitch framing
1 less cowbell, more 'neau [no title]
1 James Fillmore R stands for ripped since he has Muscles
1 James Fillmore Nyet
1 Coach Farmer Well there you go
1 Brandon Brooks The Grossman scoreth
1 Gunnarthor Way to make it dark
1 less cowbell, more 'neau testing 1, 2, 3, check check check
1 Coach Farmer Here comes Perk to let the Padres in on the party
1 SooFoo Fan I'm pretty sure that was not a home run, rob
1 TawnyFroggy (Wait is that really legal in some states?)
1 James Fillmore And hence IT MUST BE USED
1 MNWildcat What a frickin dong party.
1 TawnyFroggy Who let Granite into the dong party
1 Bat-Boy RIP Gibby
1 SooFoo Fan I'm pretty sure that was a home, RUN!
1 Joel Hernandez wow
1 James Fillmore The drool of children is less charming than it is merely gross
1 Brandon Brooks And the shutout is preserved!
1 AdoreAdorno I hope Perk can get it back to the mid-90s
1 Brandon Brooks I'm pretty sure that was -- ah! O, me!
1 Coach Farmer Gotta honor the master
1 James Fillmore If my phone achieved sentience AND opposable thumbs
1 Joel Hernandez Did you use my comments
1 Joel Hernandez A stands for Amazing because that is what he is
1 montanatwinsfan sentience and opposable thumbs
1 less cowbell, more 'neau O Captain, my Captain!
1 James Fillmore If phones achieved sentience
1 SooFoo Fan On pace to score about 300 runs
1 MNWildcat I shudder for your browser history.
1 Cbrolin SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR HOLY CRAP
1 Clearish WE GOT OURSELVES A DONG PARTY
1 Joel Hernandez I need to find some attractive people to help pitch the item
1 James Fillmore Also rock singers with the surname "Rose"
1 Joel Hernandez Well none of those girls wanted to invest in my new invention
1 TeamCrazyMatt S is for Slugger because he mashes the ball to bits
1 James Fillmore You're chatting up the wrong girls
1 CG19 We needed that homer

If you are still reading, I thank you for your amazing patience. If you just skipped to the end, no stop. Go back. You read it all, asshole! You read it all!