Twins sign Jeffrey Mauerest

The Minnesota Twins pulled off a surprising move late yesterday by signing 36-year-old Jeffrey Mauerest to a one-year contract at the league minimum. Pending a routine physical, Mauerest will join the team before Tuesday's game against the Indians. It is unknown what position he will play.

Mauerest has no major or minor league experience, but club officials said the move really solidifies the team as having the most Mauer on the squad.

"Well we've had Joe for many, many years now," one official who wished to remain unnamed said. "And then we've got Jake managing the Lookouts, too. That's two Mauers more than anyone else. But then we realized the Royals got that guy, Brandon Maurer. That trumps both our Mauers. We had to do something to stay ahead."

Mauerest has been an accountant in Morris, Minnesota for many years. His highest level of experience was on a Morris t-ball team where he slashed .145/.145/.145 as a hitter, but didn't surrender a single run as a pitcher, as pitchers do not actually throw the ball in t-ball. He played many different positions on the field, but mostly because he kind of just wandered around aimlessly, bored out of his mind.

"Yeah, I only played because my pops promised me ice cream," Mauerest said. "I don't even really remember much about playing. That was so long ago. I have no idea why the Twins want me on the team, but hey, money is money."

As mentioned earlier, the move comes in response to the Royals employing pitcher Brandon Maurer. The right-handed reliever has been in the league since 2013, but remained under the Twins' radar until the Padres traded him to the Royals on July 24 of this season.

"Those sons of bitches," a Royals official tweeted after hearing the news of the Twins' signing. "We have Maurer for only a couple months or so and then they go and top us with Mauerest? Unbelievable. How are we supposed to compete?"

When Twins manager Paul Molitor was asked about how he expected Mauerest to contribute with no real baseball experience of any kind, he stared at the reporter for a few seconds, shoved everything off of his desk onto the reporters, and ran out of his office yelling "La la la la I can't hear you!"