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Which Twin had the most fun celebrating clinching the playoffs?

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They all deserved to, but some did more than others.

Minnesota Twins v Cleveland Indians
#Selfie
Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images

An MLB postseason-berth-clinching clubhouse celebration is a helluva production these days.

It wasn’t too long ago a man needed little more than a bottle of André Brut and some light plastic sheeting. Sleeves optional.

Twins v A's
Just two buds popping bubs.
Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

The proliferation of post-game champagne-safety-eyewear has been one of the key developments in Champagne Clubhouse Soirees since Pierzyski and Papi were poppin’ bottles in the early aughts.

Torii Hunter was a pioneer in the safety-eyewear field; in 2004, Hunter put the “fun” in “functionality,” with this ensemble, featuring His Daughter’s Swimming Goggles ($3, YMCA Front Desk, ymca.org).

Minnesota Twins v Chicago White Sox
Torii Hunter: trendsetter
Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Two years later, customizable, two-toned, team-colored swim goggles were adopted league-wide, modeled below by the iconoclastic, incomparable Bobby Kielty, who critics have called “the pinnacle — the erupting volcano, if you will — of the form.”

ALDS - Minnesota Twins v Oakland Athletics - Game 3
I love you, Bobby Kielty
Photo by Sara Wolfram/Getty Images

Now, in 2017, we’re past the era of players owning their own snowboarding goggles (that’s so 2015). New Era’s actually manufacturing branded goggles that induce a minor feeding frenzy as vigorous as any Wal-Mart Black Thursday.

So, sure, all of the spontaneity of clubhouse celebrations has been washed away in a watery wave of Anheuser-Busch Liquid Alcohol-Based Product.

But the increasingly scripted nature of the Champagne Party doesn’t kill its fun. All those gallons upon gallons of Bud Light Rutabaga-rita and #Bud’Merica were not spilled in vain. It will always be fun to get drunk, dance around and make a mess celebrating a big-ass success with your buds.

So, in that joyous vein, let’s take a look at some of Wednesday’s celebration’s highlights and see how the Twins partied.

Chris Gimenez

The real clear frontrunner here. Gimenez was able to tick a few boxes that ensured he’d be having a killer time with his buds on Wednesday evening.

  • Grow a dope-ass beard for the occasion? Check.
  • Ensure commendation by landing the “Wise Veteran Who Can Instill the Right Culture and Will Get Tons of Credit if Team Succeeds” role while not needing to be in peak physical form? Check.
  • Cooler full of Coors Light? Check.
  • Having the next day off because you caught the night game before a day game? Check.

Hell, Gimenez even got busted drinking a Coors Light live on Fox Sports North before anything had been clinched. Not saying he’d actually get in trouble or it actually matters in Molitor’s clubhouse. Just saying that Mitch Garver handled the situation far more smoothly.

Garver knows that camera’s swinging their way, so he keeps his brewsky at his feet and takes a swig out of water, knowing Gimenez will look like the lone lush. Classic move. Well played.

Here’s Gimenez once the party was underway.

Now that’s a happy gentleman.

He cleans up nice.

The biggest moment in Gimenez’s night came when he and his partner Joe Vavra issued a stern warning to their competition in the Tag Team Championship bout at Survivor Series.

Brian Dozier

Brian Dozier played a role familiar to any Minnesota who’s attended one of the state’s many county fairs: Man with an Aluminum-Bottled Budweiser and a Big Dip In Explains Stuff to You.

Dozier certainly enjoyed his fair share of the Second Wild Card winner’s spoils and, in the depraved Sophie’s Choice that is the 2017 MLB locker room party, avoided having his unprotected eyes scorched by 7-11 champagne and settled for Eduardo Escobar waterboarding him with Bud Heavy.

Dammit, locker room parties look like fun.

Robbie Grossman

Honestly, I had a hard time telling a lot of these guys apart with their matching black bug eyes and booze-soaked T-shirts, so there may be many more videos of Robbie Grossman thoroughly enjoying himself. But in the videos I was certain featured Robbie, the little guy seemed to be having a grand time.

I like this next one because Grossman exudes such focus and patience while answering a boilerplate question and cheap champagne enters his every pore that I believe it explains his terrific walk rate.

Speaking of unflappability in the face of a hostile work environment...

Audra Martin

Audra Martin demonstrated a commitment to a job well done — in the face of aggressive foolishness and off-the-charts stickiness — that was downright impressive.

Martin can at least put “war-zone reportage experience” on her resumé now, I suppose.

She should try Torii Hunter™ Brand Go-Goggles. Gawh, that looks painful.

To her credit (?), Martin took the acid bath in stride.

Ervin Santana

I only mention Santana because, with his noon start looming a mere 10 hours away, Santana was one of the Twins who probably needed to take it easy Wednesday night — a detail La Velle Neal specifically included near the top of his post-game recap of Thursday’s 5-2 loss.

Santana had to start on Thursday in the Twins’ final road game of the season, and he claimed he avoided indulging in the libations being passed around the visitor’s clubhouse in the moments after the Twins learned they were officially in the postseason.

Santana pitched on Thursday like someone who had a clear mind and a lot of sleep the night before.

Good job, Erv! I support everyone’s decision to teetotal. It’s wise to take a break on occasion and let the body’s natural restorative energies support you and revitalize you for the day ahead.

Just gonna zoom in for a second...

Far be it for me to begrudge a man a cold cruiser, and hey, he may be just doing his friends a solid and grabbing a couple beers. And you need beer to dump on people. That’s logical.

I’m not trying to actually make this a whole thing. Maybe Ervin likes to have a couple Aluminum-Canned Buds the night before a start. As long as he pitches “like someone who had a clear mind and a lot of sleep the night before,” I don’t care how he gets there. Kudos to him for playing both sides.

Joe Mauer

Ah, Joe. Let me tell you, when a reporter’s on deadline and needs a pull-worthy quote from the team’s biggest name and talisman, this chestnut leaves a little something to be desired.

CLEVELAND, OH — Upon reaching their first postseason since 2010, Twins legend Joe Mauer summed up his team’s unprecedented, historic, bounce-back season in two words: “Pretty fun.”

Of course only middle-aged couch man Bartolo Colon had permission to douse Mauer, and Joe responded in typically Mauer-ian fashion.

Mauer interacting with regular human beings will always remind me of this.

Tyler Duffey

Duffey’s a darkhorse, to be sure. He didn’t get a whole lot of screen time during the celebration, but Duffey made the most of his limited spotlight by doing a perfect “Your Drunk Friend Stumbling Through a Party.”

Kennys Vargas

Now, bear with me, because I’m gonna do a little Charlie Kaufman-style reverse storytelling here.

Here, via Fangraphs, is the Win Probability Added of the Twins lineup for Thursday’s day game in descending order.

There, right at the bottom, is Twins 1B Kennys Vargas.

Now, the bulk of that WPA-drain came when Vargas grounded into a no-out double play in the sixth inning. An at-bat earlier in Thursday’s game — closer to Thursday morning’s late-night celebration — offers a better look at whether Vargas partied appropriately hard after the Twins clinched a playoff berth.

Before Thursday’s game began, Bert made a couple obligatory references to how early the start time was and how most of the Twins’ players would be wearing sunglasses for the series’ final game because booze.

Vargas obliged in the shades department, though it was a day game on a sunny day. There were a lot of folks at the ballpark in sunglasses, and most of them did not get hammered-drunk the night before.

But let’s take a look, and, knowing what we know about the previous night’s social schedule, try to divine if Vargas is exhibiting the behavior of a typically hungover person.

Here’s Kennys in the top of the first inning, bright and early, after taking strike one against Cleveland starter Carlos Carrasco.

Alright, no biggie, just getting his bearings.

Alright, well that was a second called strike. Let’s just tighten up the batting gloves.

After a ball in the dirt that he also didn’t swing at, Vargas whiffed on a 1-2 curve from Carrasco that sent Vargas back to the cozy confines of the dugout for at least as long as it took him to slam a Gatorade and pop a couple Excedrin (it’s got caffeine in it, yanno) before heading out to first.

I know what you’re thinking: this is all circumstantial! You can’t prove anything! True.

But allow me to provide you with two pieces of video evidence — gleaned from the background of interviews with more prominently placed Twins — that support my contention that Kennys Vargas had the best time celebrating the Twin’s Wild Card clinch.

Exhibit A: The Desire to Party

Kennys has two beers in his left mitt and he’s cracking one of them like he’s gonna be sticking around for a while. That’s a veteran double fist that shows a strong desire to party.

Exhibit B: I Rest My Case

There’s no wrong way to celebrate the Twins reaching the postseason for the first time in seven years. But on Wednesday night, Kennys Vargas did it the right way.