You may or may not have heard by now, but the Minnesota Twins are doing a special Bartolo Colon promotion night, where they are giving away “Big Sexy” shirts to those who buy specific tickets.
Judging from Twitter, a lot of fans are excited about this. That includes me—a Twins fan (and baseball fan) who largely enjoys this largely great man pitching for my team. When you go to order these tickets, it asks you what size T-shirt you want. It gives you the option of a S, M, L, XL, or XXL.
But really—you have to order the XXL.
It’s Big Sexy. I don’t care if you are a smaller, baseball-loving female like myself—wearing an appropriate-fitting “Big Sexy” shirt is literally not going to please anyone. Ever. Not even yourself (and deep down, you know this). Big Sexy would never compromise on this, and neither should you. The most glorious thing you can do here is order the largest possible shirt and wear it into your grave.
Unless you still have one of those Mike Redmond “Smell the RBIs” shirts from 2006.
You can wear that to your grave and order a small Bartolo Colon “Big Sexy” shirt. You are special.
I’ll still judge you a little, though.