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Highlights from the 2018 TwinsFest schedule, which was released today

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I hate this offseason. I really, really hate it.

Target Field Previews
The site of TwinsFest, 2018.
Photo by Wayne Kryduba/Getty Images

The big news out of Twins territory today is that the team released the official schedule for TwinsFest 2018, which takes place from January 19th to the 21st at Target Field. If this doesn’t actually seem like big news to you, bite me. We’re in the throes of the offseason from hell where nothing ever happens, and I’m determined to use every scrap of news I get like a large man from Spooner eating all of the cartilage off the joints of his chicken wings.

If you’ve never been to TwinsFest, here’s the gist: There’s a bunch of Twins players. They sign autographs. They play games and participate in other activities with fans. There’s a stage where players and other personnel are interviewed throughout the day and you can watch. There’s also stuff you can buy, like hot dogs or figurines of Brad Radke dressed up like a superhero. Stuff like that.

The players don’t just wander around on their own accord, of course. There’s a schedule. That schedule was released today (see above). I looked through it and parsed out the most interesting points of said schedule for you, my darling Twins fans.

Here’s what I got:

  • Per usual, Kent Hrbek will only be at TwinsFest on Friday, January 19th. He only ever goes on Fridays, probably because he’s sick of hearing all your Ron Gant shit and Fridays are the shortest day and the easiest way he can avoid listening to your shit. Or maybe he just spends his weekends ice fishing. I don’t know.
  • Not much of a surprise, but Miguel Sano will not be attending TwinsFest this year. I think we all know why.
  • Twins top prospect Royce Lewis will kick off his first TwinsFest experience by being paired with Joe Mauer at an autograph table on Friday from 4:15 pm to 5:15 pm. Will Joe carry on Harmon Killebrew’s legacy by directly chastising Royce for illegible autographs, or will he just passively aggressively comment on how fast Royce signs his name? We all know it will be the latter.
  • Speaking of Mauer, he’s also listed under something called the “Kid’s Auction with Dick Bremer” on Sunday from 1:00 pm to 2:00 pm. I... I have no idea what this means. First off, what the hell is a “Kid’s Auction”? Kids don’t even have money. Kids are dumb. Second, Bremer is clearly hosting the event, so what is Joe doing there? Is Joe being auctioned off to whatever kid can pick the biggest booger out of their nose? Is Joe auctioning off whichever of his twin daughters can pick the biggest booger out of their nose? Please, someone with kids, explain this to me.
  • Pulling the “Reverse Hrbek”, Justin Morneau is only going to be at TwinsFest on Sunday — unless, maybe, he’s secretly going to get an early entry into the Twins Hall of Fame, normally announced on Friday. If that actually happens, you all owe me one can of SPAM meat product.
  • You can take part in a Virtual Reality Experience with Fernando Rodney and Jose Berrios on Saturday from 1:00 to 1:20 pm. I was under the impression today’s “Virtual Reality Experiences” were, like, goggles only one person can experience at a time, but maybe there’s a secret holodeck in Target Field we don’t know about where you can all collectively load the bases against Rodney just for fun.
  • Tyler Kinley is going to be there. Signing autographs. At 9:15 am on Saturday morning. Set your alarms.
  • Torii Hunter and Byron Buxton are going to face off in a game of Fan Feud in the Champions Club on Saturday from 1:05 to 1:50 pm. This is sort of like Family Feud, and I assume they’ll be selecting participants from the audience.
  • Buddy Boshers is going to be signing autographs at the Third Base Lounge on Saturday from 10:45 to 11:45 am. If you want a Buddy Boshers autograph, I suggest you make this a priority because it might be your last chance, considering someone is going to have to be DFAed if the Twins make a signing, and, well... okay, yeah, that probably won’t even ever happen. I hate this offseason.
  • Brad Radke will not be there. Again.

That’s all I got. You can peruse the schedule more yourself and feel free to point out anything special I missed in the comments.