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Wiki Page For “Free Agent Camp: The Movie”

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Dumb derivative of TJ Gorsegner idea since why not

Greenland:  A Laboratory For The Symptoms Of Global Warming
If you haven’t heard, Minnesota camping in February can be a tad nippy.
Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Free Agent Camp: The Movie is a 2018 film written by Bill James and directed by Scott Boras. The film is notable for its large cast, including 30 general managers in the role of “Groupthink” and over 100 talented jocks.

Plot

With Spring Training approaching, MLB players whose agents don’t grasp the Nash equilibrium decide to have their own fitness retreat at idyllic Camp Collusion. A dire, bald groundskeeper mentions that the camp has some dark history, but players ignore his warnings.

It soon becomes apparent that the camp is divided into two groups, who label themselves the “Top Tiers” and “Gritty Puntos.” Top Tiers tease the Gritty Puntos, who sullenly accept this abuse, as none dare challenge the cool kids.

One late night, Top Tier Jake Arrieta is urinating off a boat dock, when a catcher-masked man quietly creeps up behind him and stabs Arrieta in the pinky toe. Arrieta gasps, “you!”, then collapses into the lake and is immediately eaten by freshwater piranhas.

All campers note Arrieta’s absence, yet disagree on the reason for his sudden departure. Top Tiers claim it was because “he was tired of hanging around you losers”; Gritty Puntos assume “he was tired of hanging around us losers.” Only campers Lance Lynn and Jaime Garcia suspect foul play.

The subsequent night, Top Tiers Yu Darvish and J.D. Martinez are making out and showing almost-boob in soft focus, when the catcher-mask man appears again. Darvish is decapitated with craft yarn, and Martinez runs blindly into the forest, where he is impaled on a tree branch and devoured by malicious marmosets.

Following these grisly deaths, all the campers begin to become nervous. One-by-one, the catcher-mask man manages to kill most of them, which causes nobody to call the police, because summer camp teens >>> police with guns.

Garcia and Lynn, believing themselves the last campers alive, confront the catcher-mask man. He tells them a backstory of being named Jason Vargas and originally drafted by the Minnesota Twins, however nobody cares about the killer’s backstory, so Garcia/Lynn flee quickly, chased by Vargas. On the verge of capture, they are saved when surviving camper Eduardo Nunez slides into Vargas, losing his upper torso in the process. Vargas appears to dissolve in smores flames.

Relieved, Garcia & Lynn begin making out, this time with full boob, and the camera pans to a shadowy figure hiding in the underbrush. It, too, wears a catcher’s mask. Is it Vargas? Jonathan Lucroy? That identity is unclear. Meanwhile, the groundskeeper cackles as he steers his tractor around.

Cast

Terry Ryan (uncredited) as the Ominous Groundskeeper

Production

The film was originally financed under the working title Free Agent Camp Colon Movie Film For Theaters until investors decided “only a complete raving doped-up lunatic would find that amusing.”

Release

Free-Agent Camp: The Movie was scheduled to be screened on February 16, 2018. However, while splicing together the 35mm reels, projectionist James Fillmore allowed the entire film to fall on the floor, resulting in a hopeless tangled pile of plastic. The sold-out showing had to be canceled and 1000 customers’ money refunded. Among them was Fillmore’s calculus teacher, Vaddahas Ohl, who was so enraged by the inconvenience that he attempted to prevent Fillmore from receiving his high school diploma. Said Fillmore, decades later, “it was Back To The Future 3, and I still have nightmares about Mr. Ohl.”

Reception

On Metacritic, reception has a score of 73 out of 100, based on 42 critics, indicating “futzing with the antenna can sometimes work.”