Twins sign pitcher Anibal Sanchez

Late Friday afternoon the Twins made waves in the baseball world by announcing they had signed pitcher... Anibal Sanchez. Yes, that Anibal Sanchez. The one who pitched a no-hitter for the Marlins a long time ago, but most recently posted a 6.41 ERA over 105.1 innings for the Tigers in 2017. I think the Tigers even sent him down to Triple-A for a portion of 2017.

It’s a major league contract too, meaning the Twins are going to have to clear a spot on the 40-man roster for this. And they are paying the 34-year-old Sanchez $2.5 million over one year. I’m not even shitting you. Jon Heyman reported this and everything.

I just... what?

Here’s a compilation of GIFs that express my reaction to this signing:

I am legitimately downright confused. Why in the world are the Twins paying a 34-year-old pitcher who has been absolutely terrible for at least four years $2.5 million dollars? Why are they even giving him a major league contract? I could understand this signing as a minor league deal, MAYBE, but... what? Last November I thought the funny punchline of my article on the Twins’ offseason outlook was, “But the Twins still aren’t getting an Ace. They’re getting Lance Lynn.” BUT ANIBAL SANCHEZ?

Did someone spike the Twins water cooler with LSD? Did someone spike my water with LSD? Is this real life?