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The obvious answer to the Twins’ shortstop problem: Manny Ramirez

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Just hear me out on this one.

Cincinnati Reds v Oakland Athletics
Hey.
Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

By now, most Twins fans have heard the news that starting shortstop Jorge Polanco received an 80-game suspension for testing positive for PEDs. Specifically, stanozolol (as if the specific drug makes a difference). Before last season, most people didn’t think Polanco had the arm or defensive wherewithal to cut it at shortstop, but he actually came in and kicked ass. Now, a lot of us want to kick his ass. Funny how the world works that way.

So the Twins are once again scrambling for a shortstop, as they have been for seemingly a decade. Honestly? I’m not sure why the Twins haven’t figured this out yet. We here at Twinkie Town figured out who should play shortstop for the Twins nearly eight years ago:

Manny Ramirez.

Before you call me a genius, I have to admit I was not the one who came up with this idea. It was actually born in the brain of an old Twinkie Town community member who we’ll call Sessy J. He was banned from the site several years ago, for something that had nothing to do with this (surprisingly). On a FanPost questioning whether the Twins would non-tender then-current shortstop J.J. Hardy, Sessy J left the now infamous comment:

Oh, whoops! Totally forgot to change the name there — but yeah, it was Jessy S who originally suggested Manny Ramirez as Twins shortstop. I mean, you could have clicked the link and figured that out yourself. Hope you’re doing well and staying out of the bathroom in the back of the CashWise in South Bismark, Jessy S, if you’re reading this!

Anyway, putting Manny Ramirez at shortstop was clearly the kind of idea us here at Twinkie Town were never going to let die, and we haven’t — though I was thoroughly dismayed to find no results for “Manny” or “Ramirez” when I searched recent posts on the shortstop matter with the comments fully loaded. I mean, come on guys. I even got SB Nation to put Manny Ramirez in a Facebook video they made for me previewing who would play shortstop for the Twins last season. (Still kinda surprised they went along with that.)

It’s not like all of you were against this idea, even at the time:

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2018 is after the 2011 season, right? So it looks like what_would_gil_thorp_do — who, by the way, was the the author of the classic Twinkie Town FanPost “fire gary” (read the comments on that one. Trust me.) — was on to something here.

I personally think Jorge Polanco’s suspension is just a sign. We need to make this happen.

Wait... why did we... what?

I have no idea where Jessy S got the Manny Ramirez playing shortstop idea from. Manny literally never played at second or shortstop is his combined 21 seasons between the American professional minor and major leagues. It was literally the Manny Ramirez of Jessy S ideas — weird, whimsical, and unintentionally entertaining.

I’m assuming the Manny Ramirez at shortstop idea had something to do with this classic play by Manny Ramirez in 2004, where he cut off a throw from Johnny Damon...

I will never not laugh at that. Ever. Manny was actually playing left field, and somehow cutoff the ball like a super deep shortstop. I have no idea what happened there, nor does anyone else. Anyway, the runner ended up scoring an inside the park home run on that play because OF COURSE HE DID.

That really is the quintessential Manny Ramirez play, and probably what led to The Manny Ramirez For Twins Shortstop And No I Don’t Give An F movement here at Twinkie Town.

Or the quintessential Manny Ramirez play could be this one (I LOVE THIS ONE):

HELL YEAH, HIGH-FIVE MANNY RAMIREZ!

Where is Manny now, anyway?

I tried to figure out where Manny Ramirez is now, and what he’s doing, but there is surprisingly little information. Last year, in 2017, Ramirez played the the independent Japanese team the Kōchi Fighting Dogs, who gave Manny, per contract, a Mercedes Benz, hotel suite living accommodations, optional practices, and UNLIMITED SUSHI!!!!!

The new Manny Ramirez contract is hilarious

I'd still rather have unlimited cheese curds, but maybe that's just me.

Posted by Twinkie Town on Thursday, March 16, 2017

As of 2018, it doesn’t seem Manny has signed even where. It seems odd, since he’s even been open to coaching in the past, having served as a player-coach for the Triple-A Iowa Cubs in 2014, and as a hitting “consultant” for the 2015 and 2016 Cubs.

It feels like there is a totally wide open door here for the Twins to sign Manny Ramirez. Derek Falvey and Thad Levine — are you listening? “Shortstop player/consultant.”

You’re welcome.