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Yankees 8, Twins 3: Exactly what you thought was going to happen

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Berrios falters, Twins lose again, forever, still.

MLB: Minnesota Twins at New York Yankees
Basically this, but a baseball game.
Noah K. Murray-USA TODAY Sports

The Life of Tawny through the lens of 9 innings:

In the 1st Miguel Sano walked and then Eduardo Escobar smacked a double that Aaron Judge mishandled allowing him to reach third and scoring Sano. Youth was still upon me, and I was ready to enjoy the future.

In the 2nd Gary Sanchez hit a homerun to tie the game back up. Berrios seemed pretty solid still, thus despite a setback I let myself keep hope.

In the 3rd a walk followed by back to back hits gave the Yankees the lead. The damage was minimal, and my life was still ahead of me. I resolved to make up for my previous mistakes.

In the 4th with two outs, a wild pitch (that should have been called a passed ball on Mitch Garver) followed by an error by Mitch Garver allowed yet another run to score. Despite doing well, I was blamed for things out of my control and hastened my descent into depression. My garver had been thoroughly mitched.

In the 5th Didi Gregorius hit a two run didgeridoo. Life was kind of just being a dick now.

In the 6th Absolutely nothing happened. (This inning represents the roughly 92 days an average human spends on the toilet in their lifetime.)

In the 7th Garver drove a run in, apparently. I don’t actually remember that. Aaron Judge dinged a dong and then Gary Sanchez donged a (2-run) dinger. Apathy had set in so the negatives of my life were now simply background noise. I was starting to spend large amounts of time thinking about if I would make a good 18th century pirate queen.

In the 8th Escobar knocked a run in with his 3rd(!) hit of the game. That’s a moral victory right there. I was beginning to remember what smiling felt like. (Also I bought an eyepatch)

In the 9th Avast ye’ scurvy dogs! Tawny is no more. In her place I have risen! Cower at the heels of the new scourge of the to-be-determined-number-of-seas: Captain Cutebeard! Oh and the Twins lost and drop to 8-10 on the season and approx. 0-999999999 against the Yankees. Brian Dozier’s hit streak also ended because we can’t have nice things.

So that was depressing. But remember that when life gives you shit, you build a ship and you sail on it. Now are any of you guys experienced helmsmen?

STUDS: EDUARDOOOOOO ESCOBAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUDS: EVERYOOOOOOONE ELSE-COBAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

# Commenter # Comments
1 TJ Gorsegner 54
2 Coach Farmer 38
3 SooFoo Fan 35
4 TawnyFroggy 30
5 James Fillmore 20
6 montanatwinsfan 19
7 EmeraldTwinkie 19
8 GopherinSoCal 14
9 Cbrolin 14
10 TeamCrazyMatt 12
11 Pau from the sky-tinted water 11
12 CG19 10
13 Joel Hernandez 8
14 Devereaux 7
15 Name-Game 4
16 sswen 3
17 Louie Opatz 3
18 kw09 2
19 Zoxide 2
20 myjah 1
21 a null entry 1
22 gonzobob 1
23 Daniel Carlson 1
24 mikecardii 1
25 Uncle Lincoln 1
# Recs Commenter Comment Link
9 TawnyFroggy Wow, Black Rectangle played longer than I thought.
7 TawnyFroggy Good idea.
7 TeamCrazyMatt Trade all their good players to the Marlins
6 montanatwinsfan Looks like Greg is sleeping on the couch again tonight.
6 Name-Game I hate the Yankees more than any professional sports team
6 EmeraldTwinkie You mean that's not Greg?
6 Cbrolin WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LET'S GO TWINS
6 Uncle Lincoln Quick! Hold the cut over an open flame.
5 James Fillmore Yeah you know me
5 Louie Opatz Hi, it's me Louie!
5 Daniel Carlson That's what those bastard Yankkees want
5 TJ Gorsegner Tawny, your recap title should be "At least Aaron Hicks didn't walk us off"
5 TeamCrazyMatt (logs on) (checks score)
5 TawnyFroggy woo
5 TawnyFroggy *glares directly at Jason Castro*
5 Coach Farmer WoooOOOOoo
4 Cbrolin fan runs on a field in 3 different reactions
4 TawnyFroggy Become a filthy billionaire, buy the Yankees, and systematically dismantle them.
4 TJ Gorsegner As usual, blame Fillmore for that
4 TJ Gorsegner Go Twins Go!!!
4 TJ Gorsegner Guys
4 Pau from the sky-tinted water I should become a Yankee fan. Then I know they would start habitually losing. None of my teams ever win anything.
4 TawnyFroggy Dan you are sleep typing again!

I keep having the most recs which makes me actually have to look at the comments and pick one out for comment of the day (or give it to myself, which would be vain) which takes at least 3 seconds, ugh. Gonna make an executive decision here and give to Louie Opatz who managed to get 5 recs literally by just reminding us that he is, in fact, Louie Opatz.