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Blue Jays 7, Twins 5: The Lance and the Battle for the North Country

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Lance Lynn was unimpressive, but at least the offense showed up

MLB: Toronto Blue Jays at Minnesota Twins Jordan Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

The Lance of the North stood upon the high ground, surveying the verdant battlefield around him. After suffering too many routs at the hand of the enemy, his squad had called upon the veteran field general to lead them to victory against an impending invasion from the east, by an army emblazoned with the symbol of the Blue Jay. The epic Battle for the North Country had begun.

The battle quickly fell unfavorable for our hero. A moment that should have ended his enemy was poorly decided, and the Canadian invaders bloodied our hero. Still, he soldiered on, and escaped with only minimal damage. There was yet hope for the embattled defenders.

The Lance’s brave, loyal soldiers attempted to come to his aid. Sir Robbie the Try-Hard; Morrison the Mighty; and a new recruit, known only as MITCH! attempted to retake the surrendered territory. Alas, their efforts were for naught, as the opposing leader escaped unscathed, and a siege ensued.

Sadly for the poor Lance, the enemy broke the seige, demoralizing the defenders by launching projectiles over the walls. while our hero contained the threat, much territory was lost to the Canadians.

The valiant defenders fought back, with Count Max von Kepler bloodying their leader, assisted by Morrison the Mighty. It was not enough to make up the surrendered territory however, and the enemy quickly answered to take back the gains.

The Lance of the North was at this point relieved of leadership, giving way to Trevor the Sidearmer. The Sidearmer shored up the defenses, and allowed no further gains. A quick counterattack was mounted. The two Eds together recaptured yet another small slice of ground. Sir Robbie the Try-Hard and MITCH! gained a bit more shortly after. Lord Mauer the Stoic teamed with Count Max von Kepler, once again, to bring the defending squad close to where they began.

Trevor the Sidearm was an excellent leader for the squad, as they rallied around him. Alas, fatigue sets in for all, and it was time for new leadership. Pressly the Reliable was called upon, but could not live up to his name. The enemy mounted several threats, but ultimately gained just a bit more.

The waning moments of the battle drew near. Those few defenders had but one more chance to rally! Unfortunately the efforts fell short, and the battle was lost. The Lance of the North could not save the day.

Thanks for putting up with my silliness.

STUDS

Max Kepler; 3-for-5, RBI

Robbie Grossman; 2-for-4, RBI

Mitch Garver; 2-for-4, RBI

Trevor Hildenberger; 2 IP, 0 ER, 2K

DUDS

Brian Dozier; 0-for-5, 3K

Logan Morrison; 0-for-3

Ehire Adrianza; 0-for-3, 1K

Lance Lynn; 5 IP, 5 ER

ROLL CALL

COTG:

Anyone that was involved in the “Pickle” puns.