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Brewers 8, Twins 3: Bad Gibby, and Mauer is hurt

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Or, pure happiness, in recap form.

Minnesota Twins v Chicago White Sox
This foul beast appropriately basks in its own shame
Photo by David Banks/Getty Images

After allowing two home runs in his first 44.2 innings this season, Kyle Gibson served up two dongs against the Brewers tonight. Blame Bryz for writing that Gibson has been resurgent, or me for saying his numbers were All-Star-rific.

No! Bad Gibby! The baby isn’t a chew toy! Let go!

I dunno if it was just a bunch of lucky swings, or if Gibson had a lucky start to the season.

Joe Mauer was replaced in the fifth inning due to “neck stiffness.” He said, postgame, that it’s been bothering him after diving for a foul ball last Saturday in Anaheim; since then, he’s been benched for one game and DHed twice. He hopes he can play again after “one or two games.” I share your optimism.

Honey? HONEY! Gibby just ate my unfinished bar of chocolate. If I hold his mouth open, you can get him to throw it up... well, yeah, I shouldn’t have left it on the low table. I’m sorry, OK? Let’s agree to focus on this at the moment. Ow. OWWWWW! Stop biting, you just ate poison, darnit!

You knew it was a doomed night for the Twins’ offense when Eduardo Escobar singled and Max Kepler doubled to lead off the 2nd inning. Runners on second & third, no outs. Then Robbie Grossman grounded to the pitcher, Byron Buxton whiffed, and Ehire Adrianza popped up to first.

This against 86-MPH fireballer Brent Suter, who is left-handed but describes himself as “right-footed.” I think that’s a joke. Probably? Maybe? Baseball players are weirdos, he might actually mean it.

Wait... that sounds like Gibby outside. Did you leave the screen door ajar? How many times... whatever, he’s probably just going to scarf down some newborn rabbits and come back home. It was your idea to get him, not mine. Oh, do we want to have that fight, right now? Fine. Lawyer up. I told you to get a spotted tarantula, but no, you wanted a Gibson...

Eduardo Escobar went 3-4 (all nice Twins things come from EDs), and Max Kepler 2-2 with a walk. Both of Mad Max’s hits came off lefty pitchers; he’s been crushing them this year, which is a wonderful thing. Rest of this game, less wonderful. Trevor Hildenberger and Matt Magill and Phil Hughes were each equally ineffective. Robot Roll Call:

Comment Of The Game Thread goes to Albert Einstein for his “this game somewhat blows” theory, published in 1905.