Terry Ryan denies sending polite criticism to Kevin Slowey from burner Mail Boxes Etc.

Brett Gorton didn’t know what he was looking at.

“It was a handwritten letter, which is crazy in 2018,” said the Minneapolis resident. “It was addressed to the woman who used to manage this condo, and it was full of these really polite criticisms of (former Twins pitcher) Kevin Slowey.”

The contents of the letter are reprinted here with permission:

Dear Marlys,

Your tenant, Kevin Slowey, has a good head on his shoulders, but I wonder about him sometimes. He can come off as condescending at work, even if he’s not meaning to. His manager calls him a know-it-all. He’s a bright kid for sure, but I wonder if he’d like to tone it down just a bit. He really likes to tell people the book is better than the movie, and while we all encourage reading, it can be a bit much. Also he likes this band Neutral Milk Hotel and they just make this unpleasant racket. Anyway, I just thought you should know this.

Sincerely,

T

P.S. Bill Smith is a good man who is trying his best.

The letter, which had a postmark of July 12, 2011, arrived in Gorton’s mailbox on Thursday.

“I called the post office, and they said they were as baffled by it as I was. All they could really tell me was that sometimes things do get misplaced, and that the envelope came from a Mail Boxes Etc. in Lino Lakes.”

Speculation immediately began that the “T” in question was former Twins GM Terry Ryan, and that he had been sending letters, telegrams, and packages from burner Mail Boxes Etc. stores earlier this decade to gently decry Slowey, a reputed malcontent.

Ryan, now a scout for the Philadelphia Phillies, denied it was him.

“I have nothing but respect for Kevin Slowey,” said Ryan. He went on to express dismay over rising gas and dairy prices.

Slowey, now Director of Player Services for the MLBPA, was unavailable for comment, but through a representative did confirm he doesn’t even own a TV.