After complete mound meltdowns by recent signee Matt Belisle and offseason acquistion Jake Odorizzi, the Minnesota Twins very sensibly told rookie Fernando Romero to go eff himself, as this will solve all the team’s problems.
Said Romero, “I completely get this and understand. I deserve it; I’ve only been quite competent at an MLB level, I need to be demoted. I’m such a loser and a jerk.” (Note: Fernando Romero did not actually say this.)
Twins executives Thad Levine and Derek Falvey released a joint statement, to wit: “we had to do something. All you asshats on TwinkieTown were calling for Gardy & Ryan’s heads, we stepped in, but we’re actually at our best in drafting prospects, OK? It’s gonna take a few years. If you want blood and want blood now, fine, take Romero, he’s got options.” (Note: the Falvine did not actually say this.)
As of publication date, the Twins have not announced who will replace Romero in their starting rotation. Inside Twins sources claim that Phil Hughes, Trevor May, and Carl Pavano have responded with “shit no, I want all my body portions.” (Note: inside Twins sources did not actually say this. It’s possible that they are connected to organ-smuggling rings; this is unconfirmed.)