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Cubs 10, Twins 6: Dig The Long Ball

Cubs fans would have been waving Homer Hankies except they don’t have those. Maybe they waved hot dogs with that weird wrong-colored relish.

Chicago Cubs v Los Angeles Dodgers2
This picture is not from today’s game, as Getty has no photos up yet from today’s game. It features a Cubs player jumping. That’s cool.
Photo by Jayne Kamin-Oncea/Getty Images

Due to an unfortunate jinx perpetrated by some rat bastard sportswriter, Twins starter Jose Berrios was unusually wild and Minnesota lost to the Cubs courtesy of a Addison Russell fully-loaded dong.

Matt Magill also gave up two homers, and Joe Mauer hit an early three-run blast. AS I FORETOLD IN THE GAMETHREAD PREVIEW, because of a secret algorithm only I have perfected. If you’d like to get onto the ground floor of this once-in-a-lifetime predictive opportunity (apps are in development), send seed money via Bitcoin to my bank account in Puerto Rico.

To be honest, my astounding prophecy was based on the National Weather Service, which said this game would have very hot temperatures and a prevailing wind blowing towards the outfield. Guess what? Your local weatherperson basically just uses the National Weather Service forecast. Very few of them are actually trained meteorologists, most just talk/look good on TV. (Minneapolis weatherman Paul Douglas is an exception, he has a degree in the science stuff.)

But I’m not going to talk about high-pressure zones and heat warnings and long balls.

No: I’m focused on one absolute moment of Pure Radio Glory. It came right at the finish, with a few Twins on base and two outs. Right before Max Kepler hit an easy fly to end the game, Chicago brought in closer Brandon Morrow.

Cory Provus: “Morrow returned from the DL yesterday, after injuring his back while taking off his pants.” Me and Mrs. James were almost on the floor laughing.

Well, I had to look it up, and it’s absolutely true. Per search engine keyphrase via The Sporting News: “Brandon Morrow was put on the disabled list after a pants-related injury.”

Now, this isn’t actually funny. I’ve had serious back injury problems, and if you have longstanding back damage due to other work-related stress, a little thing like bending over can finally be the moment that hospitalizes you.

Still, it’s kind of a perfect baseball thing, ain’t it? You know Provus was just sitting on that nugget, waiting for the Cubs to use Morrow, so he could say “while taking off his pants.”

In other team news, Matt Belisle was kinda bad and Eddie Rosario kinda good.

Robot Roll Call:

Comment Of The Game Thread goes to TeamCrazyMatt for “REPLAY SUCKS” and gintzer for “Instant replay stinks, I do not like it.” You folks are not wrong. If I had Manfred’s email, I’d pass it along...

Enjoy the return of mystery man Adalberto Mejia tomorrow!