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Cubs 14, Twins 9: W h a t

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W h y

MLB: Minnesota Twins at Chicago Cubs
A topsy-turvy day at Wrigley Field.
Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports

America put it best: “The heat was hot.”

America also wrote, “There were plants and birds and rocks and things,” so...maybe somebody else put it the best.

Either way, on a blistering, heat-advisory kind of day, the Chicago Cubs edged out a 14-9 victory over the Twins, in perhaps the weirdest nine-inning affair of Minnesota’s season so far.

Joe Mauer had another three-run hit to open the scoring, this time a bases-clearing double in the second. But, just like yesterday, the Cubs came right back. Anthony Rizzo and Ben Zobrist each singled, driving in a total of three, and tying the game in the third.

Jake Cave laid out for a brilliant catch in the fourth, but there was a runner at third when it happened, and he trotted home to give Chicago a 4-3 lead.

The Twins retook the lead again in the fifth — Eddie Rosario’s 18th homer of the year was a two-run shot to right-center, and later in the inning, Ehire Adrianza drilled a two-run single to make it 7-4 Twins in a four-run frame.

And then the heat got hot.

~~~ w E i RD b a $ # B a LL TIME !!! ~~~

With one out in the bottom of the fifth, Rosario succumbed to the rays and had to come out of the ballgame from heat exhaustion. This prompted recent call-up Willians Astudillo, primarily a catcher, to make his major-league debut as Eddie’s replacment in left.

The Cubs took this as their cue to go nuts.

Seven singles and a sacrifice fly put up five on the board in the inning for Chicago, who left the fifth with a 9-7 lead.

But the Twins weren’t done.

Eduardo Escobar had an RBI sac fly in the next inning, putting a man in scoring position for Astudillo’s first plate appearance. Astudillo is known for rarely walking or striking out, and some fans contest that any statistical record of such outcomes were manufactured by the St. Louis Cardinals’ deeply-rooted back channel of nefarious technological masterminds. Therefore, it made sense that Astudillo should single to center on the first pitch he ever saw in the MLB, scoring Robbie Grossman from second, and tying the game at nine.

Hey, do you remember when the Cubs scored five runs in a single inning?

Well, turns out, that was Trevor Hildenberger’s favorite part of the game, and he did everything in his power to replicate it when it was his turn to pitch.

A walk and a double began the Chicago seventh, leading Hildy to walk Kyle Schwarber, setting up a go-ahead single by Jason Heyward. A batter later, Javier Baez hit a two-run “double” off the glove of a drawn-in Adrianza, plating two. Hildy issued another intentional walk, this time to Anthony Rizzo.

After a sac fly made it a 13-9 ballgame, Hildenberger issued ANOTHER walk (this time unintentional), which was followed by another RBI single, which made it a five-run lead.

It was at this point that manager Paul Molitor thought, “who better to save the day than noted fireman Matt Belisle?”

Well, if you guessed that Matt Belisle would strike out two Cubs with the bases loaded and escape the inning with no further damage, then congrats! The heat got to you, too, because that’s exactly what happened and nobody predicted it. You’re lying.

What else did you guess? Did you guess that Astudillo, PRIMARILY A CATCHER, would play center field in the bottom of the eighth?

Did you guess that the Cubs would have 20 hits and a staggering 17 of them would be singles?

Did you guess that the game would end with Jake Odorizzi pinch-hitting for Matt Belisle and grounding out to the mound?

Did you guess that the Twins would be on pace for 90 losses again?

Did you guess that?

STUDS:

1B Joe Mauer (2-for-5, 3 RBI)

LF Eddie Rosario (2-for-3, R, 2 RBI, HR)

CF Jake Cave (1-for-3, R, assist, spectacular catch)

LF-CF Willians Astudillo (1-for-2, RBI, first major-league hit + RBI, being an all-around trooper)

RP Matt Belisle (1.2 IP, 2 H, 2 K)

DUDS:

All non-Belisle pitchers (6.1 IP, 18 H, 14 ER, 7 BB)

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

COMMENT OF THE GAMETHREAD:

TeamCrazyMatt: “Describe this game with a movie title”

SooFoo Fan: “A Good Day to Die Hard”