Things to do between Lance Lynn pitches

Lance Lynn works deliberately. Twins fans are aware of this. Twins beat writers, who just want to get done with work for the night, are VERY aware. Rumor has it that another team may soon become aware of it as the Twins look to sell off some parts.

This, then, is your guide to things you can do between Lance Lynn pitches.

• Read an entire book.
• Go to the store. Come back. Realize you forgot the thing you went to the store for, then go back and get it.
• Talk to your children about reproduction in a frank, adult manner. If you have PowerPoint experience, maybe a slideshow with diagrams. Leave time for questions.
• Really commit to losing that 10-15 pounds you’ve been trying to lose. Make a plan. Cardio, weights, and diet. Lean proteins. Lay off the booze and soda.
• Become proficient in a foreign language. One of the hard ones.
• Ask a Minnesotan about what they were doing during the Halloween Blizzard of 1991.
• Compile a list of all the happy hour specials in your neighborhood. Who has taco night? Who has 2-for-1s? Who has TouchTunes and pull tabs?
• Watch Thor: Ragnarok on Netflix. Then rewatch just the Jeff Goldblum parts. Then find whatever channel has Jurassic Park on and watch that. If you have to borrow someone’s Netflix subscription or subscribe to cable, so be it.
• Read a second, longer book.
• Take up a hobby. Become an avid collector of something, get really into it, then get burned out and sell the entire collection on Craigslist. Thinking Troll dolls or old Schmidt Beer wildlife cans.
• You’ve gained back that 10-15 pounds. You finally take the leap and join CrossFit. It works for your friend Marissa. Yes, she talks about it ALL THE GODDAMN TIME but her arms are like a tube of angry snakes. Screw it. You go to this abandoned warehouse in an industrial park and jump on a ton of boxes and throw up.
• Ask someone who plays Fantasy Football about the merits of an auction draft vs. a snake-style draft.
• Refurbish an old house. Say “it has good bones” to no one in particular as you demolish a wall to make an open concept kitchen. Realize you’re entirely out of your element and this is so much easier-looking on TV. Sell it at a loss. Bruised in both ego and credit, you collect yourself and move on to the next project. Maybe a classic car. Your dad’s buddy is selling his old GTO. It doesn’t work, but it just needs a little TLC and sweat equity. You’ve got this. (You don’t.)
• Take your dog outside to do her business during a driving rainstorm.

We hope this helps.