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Winning Twingo card opens pathway to improbable nightmare realm

“It’s pretty weird,” said Joe Mauer.

Hawaii’s Kilauea Volcano Erupts Forcing Evacuations Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images

Mel “Hermie” Hermanson has been trying his hand at Twingo since the Minnesota Twins were playing sparsely attended games in the Metrodome. Victory in the baseball-themed bingo game eluded him for decades, until Wednesday afternoon. But it came at a high cost.

Twins security and the Minneapolis Police Department believe the game-ending double play, which sealed both Minnesota’s and Hermanson’s victory, opened a dread passageway to Ncanhth, a demon realm of untold horror.

“The timing, the constant shrieking from the vile creatures within, the belching pyre of flames shooting into the Minneapolis all comes back to that Twingo card,” said a team official.

The fiery aperture opened beneath the concert area at Target Field Station. The popular rock band Imagine Dragons were playing a special outdoor show for listeners of the nearby GO 96.3 FM radio station, and were immediately sucked into a place of relentless, unimaginable suffering. But authorities say there are also downsides.

“We’ve lost about 16 light rail cars to that wormhole,” said one Minneapolis police investigator. “Plus, with all the new condominium development and additional residents in the neighborhood, the pitiful cries of the damned are resulting in more noise complaints than we can hope to process.”

The unceasing nightmare hole was cordoned off in time for Thursday’s game, and authorities say there were no further casualties besides what were termed “minor gawker soultheft incidents”. Twins players were as surprised by the incident as everyone else.

“It’s pretty weird,” said Twins first baseman Joe Mauer. “Kind of a bummer deal.”

“There’s been an apparition lingering just on the edge of all our perception in the clubhouse,” added Twins outfielder Max Kepler. “I think its name is K’arfn The Deceiver, and his foul whispers are clearly meant to drive us to unspeakable acts. Kind of looks like a blue-green Joe Nathan if he let the beard go and his inside parts were on the outside.”

Officials say they hope the next Twingo winner will seal the bottomless sorrow pit. There were no winning cards during Thursday’s game, and multiple fans reported that their cards had no baseball plays on them, but instead commands to submit to an unending reign of incomprehensible misery.

For his part, Hermanson is apologetic.

“They gave me a shirt and I took a picture with Dick Bremer,” said the Blue Earth native. “But I do feel bad about all the demons.”