Twins 10, Yankees 5: Joseph Patrick Mauer

The last time the Twins won a post-season series I was a pre-teen. I’ve never seen a sports team I follow win it all. I don’t think it has ever even been particularly close. Basically what I’m trying to say is watching the Twins (whose roster I’m pretty sure is now 50% people that the front office just made up) destroy the New York Yankees is one of the best thing I’ve experienced in sports. Sure, the Yankees are still a better team that’ll probably make the playoffs. Sure, The Twins are roughly 1 and 4,368 lifetime against them. That doesn’t take away the fact that I just watched a team that starts Willians Astudillo, Jake Cave, Tyler Austin, Ehire Adrianza AND Robbie Grossman (In the same game!) score 10 runs against the damned Yankees.

Tyler Duffey was the opener today. I had forgotten this until literally right now, but it was actually one of the more successful forays into the new strategy that your dad hates. After a scoreless first, Duffey came in for the second as well. After an out, Didi Gregorious, Twin Killer, tripled and later scored. Kohl Stewart would be the real actual start guy, and his first 3 innings would be scoreless. We’ll get to to his 4th (which was confusingly the 6th) inning of work later.

Meanwhile we’ve got a healthy dose of Twins runs to recap. Jake Cave came to the plate in the 3rd with the basses all honked up as the kids say. A wild pitch would score one of those honkers, and then Jake Cave gave us what we Jake Craved and singled in two more runs, giving the Twins a sweet sweet lead. I know everyone hates the wave, but would y’all be okay with bringing the wave back if we called it the Jake Wave?

Sources tell me the 4th was also an inning. Jorge Polanco came up clutch with a nice 2 out RBI double to the right fielder, who came up McCutch(en.)

The 5th is the inning you came here to read about. Robbie Grossman started it all with a walk. Jake Cave, rebel extraordinaire, singled and then Tyler Austin walked as well. You know what they say about walks, right? They are fairly good cardio workouts and you should go for a few now and again to stay healthy.

Max Kepler came up the the plate with the bases again fully loaded with protein enriched Twins. He walked on 4 pitches, despite fouling one of them off. I don’t know, but I’ll take it. Screw the Yankees. Anyway, Adrianza struck out but then local superhero Willians Astudillo kept the carousel spinning with a single that scored Cave. Joe Mauer calmly sauntered on over to batter’s box and started doing his thing. Gotta take that first pitch for a ball. That’s a given. Take two more for strike? Sure, I don’t see why not. Just take two more for balls and you are back in the thing. Never swing until you really really swing. And swing he did.

Joe Mauer grand slam, bitches! Twins 10, Yankees 1! This is somehow real life.

As you may have noticed that is not the final score, you may have deduced that other things happened later. Good sleuthing! Stewart would load the bases the very next inning and the Twins would bring in Trevor May to face Didi Gregorious with the bases loaded.

What the hell did you think was gonna happen, really?

Whatever, Didi. Have your grand slam. sheesh. But don’t think you are invited to the milk party after the game!

Taylor Rogers (2 innings) and Trevor Hildenberger (1) would pitch 9 up, 9 down to finish off the last three innings and end the game.

The moral of the story is even when life is absolute shit, let yourself enjoy fun things no matter how meaningless they may be. It isn’t the world series, but for the rest of the night we sure do get to feel pretty giddy. Sometimes, you have to let that be enough.

STUDS: JOSEPH. PATRICK. MAUER. and friends.

DUDS: NO DUDS TWINS WIN!

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