clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Mauer speculation leads Anoka man to scout new nemesis

Potential Mauer retirement has unemployable local rube searching for replacement

New York Yankees v Minnesota Twins Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Tom Hanson has spent most of the last 15 years hating Joe Mauer. The news that it might not be 16 years struck him “more than I would of thought.”

Hanson, a classic North Metro shit-for-brains with an indefinitely suspended Facebook account, rarely goes a day without railing against Mauer as overpaid, lazy, spoiled, and a silent partner of the Sinaloa Cartel and MS-13.

“My ex-wife Carol, who’s a real piece of work, said I was being too hard on him,” said Hanson. “I told her if she’d been a little harder on Neil (the youngest of Hanson’s four children) after our divorce, he wouldn’t of robbed all those Casey’s stores in Iowa.”

Hanson rhapsodized about his enmity for Mauer between protracted sips of Lost Lake Ice.

“Now you see, the thing about professional athletes is most of ‘em are soft,” said Hanson. “But Mauer was special. He didn’t mouth off to the press, he didn’t disrespect the flag, but he was still making $23 million a year and wouldn’t play with a quote-unquote brain injury. His silence was like kneeling during the anthem and giving the finger to a bald eagle. Every day should of started with an apology to me, Twins fans, and our President.”

“Just Trump,” Hanson added. “He should of apologized to the troops when Obummer was President.”

With Mauer potentially calling it quits, Hanson is left to wonder who he’ll heap indignities upon in 2019.

“They got a lot of (various racial and sexual stereotypes omitted due to hate speech and character limits) in that clubhouse. I kinda like (Max) Kepler, Jake Cave, Mitch Garver, and Tyler Austin. Real lunch pail guys.”

Hanson cracked another beer.

“(Byron) Buxton. Have to say I’m leaning that way. Always hurt, can’t hit, and since we jacked up his service time, which was the right thing to do, he’ll be here an extra year, which was the wrong thing to do, since he sucks. I’m gonna light him up.”