Twins announce more Joe Mauer themed promotions

The Twins have announced an additional six Joe Mauer themed promotions, to go along with the bobble-head nights announced the other day. Here are the official descriptions and dates for those promotions.

The passing of the sideburns: April 25, 2019

In an unprecedented pre-game experience, Joe Mauer will be ceremonially removing sideburns from his own face, and sticking them on Willians Astudillo to signify his official status as the new fan-favorite. Lets just hope Astudillo is in the majors for it, otherwise this might be awkward.

2% milk night: May 9, 2019

The first 20,000 fans through the gate will receive a complimentary carton of 2% milk. It will probably have a picture of Byron Buxton’s bat on the side. And people thought we were milking the Joe Mauer thing before...

Joe Mauer midseason pool party: June 31, 2019

We’re going to get like, 70 kiddie pools from the Meijer’s, and set them up in the outfield after the game. We just have to ask all the ladies to wear a T-shirt over their two piece swimsuits, in the interest of keeping things modest and family friendly. We’ll make Kent Hrbek keep his shirt on, too.

Doubles Derby: July 9, 2019

Any team can have a home-run derby, but true to the egalitarian spirit of Joe Mauer, the Twins will have a doubles derby, even if we haven’t fully figured out how to score it. Singles are cool too. Just none of those communist home runs, and absolutely no show-off doubles!

Players Weekend: (TBD)

The entire team will wear jerseys with “Sexx Dragon” on the back, despite the fact that Joe still denies knowing how it happened, and still claiming dragons are “real scary sometimes.”

Life size bobblehead night: September 23, 2019

You all liked the idea of Joe Mauer bobbleheads, so we’re going big! We’re gonna get a life size Joe Mauer bobblehead, and have it play at first base for this game! It’ll probably have better defense than Kennys Vargas anyway. We’ll get Logan Morrison to wheel it on and off the field between innings, he’ll probably just be glad to get some work by then.

My apologies to anyone who read to this point, and especially to Randball’s Stu, since I am holding but a pale candle to his ideas.