Twins sign Jevin Kepsen

In an interesting turn of events, the Minnesota Twins signed reliever Jevin Kepsen to a 1-year, $1 million deal to bring some needed help to the bullpen. The interesting part of this signing is that Kepsen is supposedly a distant cousin of big-league reliever Kevin Jepsen, who pitched for multiple clubs, including the Angels, Rays, Twins, and (most recently) the Rangers. What makes this signing even more odd is that there are no records of Kepsen pitching in the big leagues, farm system, or in any league ever.

“We checked up on Kepsen and found that all his advanced statistics were zero, and zero is pretty good, right?” said Twins General Manager Thad Levine. “We are looking forward to seeing what he can bring to this team for the upcoming season.”

After many Twins fans have been calling for familiar names to be signed this off-season, like free agents Ervin Santana and Brian Dozier, the Twins’ President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey said that this is about as close as the team will get to signing a player that resonates with Twins nostalgia. “Yeah, I mean the first letters of his name are switched around, so it’s not really signing a former Twins player. He hasn’t played for the Indians, so that kinda stinks, but he’s a pitcher we’ve been interested in since he contacted us. Thad’s talked to you about his amazing stats, right?”

Kepsen was not immediately available for comment. His voice mail message stated to leave a message for Kevin Jepsen. After another attempt calling Kepsen, someone named Kevin answered and when asked if Jevin was available, he said, “Ohp, yeah, uh…. Just a minute… … Hey Jevin!!” Kepsen said that the stats his cousin put up the past few years didn’t really matter because he’d pitch “way more better” than when Kepsen was with the Twins in 2016 before being released and picked up by the Rays.

“Oh yeah,” Kepsen said. “Way more better than my cousin Jepsen. No way am I going to blow four saves and post a six-plus ERA in more than 30 games. Who’d keep a guy like that?”

Calls to the Twins’ former general manager and current Phillies scout Terry Ryan went unanswered.