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Twins fan, hamster refusing to seek solace in other disappointing Minnesota professional teams this winter


NHL: Minnesota Wild at Winnipeg Jets Terrence Lee-USA TODAY Sports

SCENE: A Minnesota Twins fan, Imakesandwichesforaliving, a.k.a. JOHN, is seen returning home from work, walking from his garage to the apartment building he resides in. He enters the building and checks his mail, where he has a package waiting for him. He grabs it and lets himself in and enters his apartment. He opens the package and sees a red towel - the 2019 Minnesota Twins Homer Hanky. He grabs it and sits down on the couch next to his hamster, SNOW, who peeks out from under his bedding.

JOHN: Well, better late than never, I guess. Right, buddy? He looks over at SNOW.

SNOW: [squeaks]

JOHN puts the homer hanky on the couch and walks over to the radio and turns it on. An AM station comes through and it sounds like the Minnesota Wild hockey game.

TOM REID: And that finishes up the second period here, folks. The Pittsburgh Penguins lead the Minnesota Wild 5-2. We’ll be right back.

JOHN sits on the couch and shakes his head before feeding SNOW a treat.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Are you a Minnesota Twins fan? Are you looking for more disappointment after a failed postseason following a fantastic regular season? Look no further than your Minnesota professional sports teams! Hundreds of thousands of fans just like YOU are searching to continue their gloom and despair elsewhere within the realms of this great state!

You have the Minnesota Wild! cuts to play-by-play

...and the Predators score!’s a breakaway... and the puck flies right by Dubnyk for a goal.
...stolen from underneath the Wild and he shoots - he scores.

...the Minnesota Vikings! cuts to play-by-play

...and Diggs drops it again!
...Cousins can’t make a connection with his receivers...
...intercepted by the Packers - is this even real?!

...the Minnesota Timberwolves! cuts to play-by-play

...and the Wolves lose by 20...
...and Minnesota players can’t get on the same page with each other...
...another missed free-throw shot...

...and the Minnesota United FC! cuts to play-by-play

...and it’s over the goalpost! they made it to the finals, I’ll never know.

Plenty of disappointment over and over again to carry you through to next season’s spring training! For a limited time, we’ll even throw in some heart-breaking highlights from past seasons, such as Blair Walsh missing wide left in the 2016 NFC Wild Card game and more! Don’t wait! Tune in to yo-

JOHN turns off the radio. He grabs a book and sits down on the couch again.

JOHN: It’ll be better next year, right?

SNOW: [squeaks]