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Everyone is bringing you a 2010’s all-decade team, as 2019 rolls across its final days, and the roaring ‘20s approach. We could do that, but that wouldn’t be as fun. Here at Twinkie Town, we have always delighted in humor, absurdity, and stupid jokes. So rather than simply looking at the best players of the decade, here are the ones we have had the most fun with.
Catcher: Willians Astudillo
La Tortuga only had a short run, compared to many of his teammates, but no one has provided more fun-per-game than he has. “Chubby People run too.”
featured in: Willians Astudillo cut his hair, Willians Astudillo might actually be holding our universe together, and Rejected Twins-based drink ideas
First Base: Joe Mauer
Mauer could have easily won as catcher, as well, but then we wouldn’t have had a spot for Willians, and in Willians we trust. Still, as Minnesota’s hometown boy, and the long-time face of the franchise, we have made more jokes at Joe’s expense than virtually anyone else, ever.
featured in: Oh hell, just click here for our “Best of Joe Mauer.” That should at least give you a good start.
Second Base: Nick Punto
LNP GET MONEY GET PAID!!! He only spent one year of the decade in Minnesota, but Little Nicky Punto is our absolute most meme-able player of all-time. If I can find a way to put him on NEXT decade’s list, I will again. He’s at second here, because he did play the position, and other guys fit better at short and third. Slide headfirst into first, get dirty, crush a juice box, and embrace your inner grittiness.
Featured in: Here is a post with a bunch of the best old ones, plus some newer stuff... Nick Punto wants to fight, Nick Punto (literally) comments on Olympian sliding across finish line
Short Stop: Danny Santana
Even though he played a lot of center field for the Twins, Danny was a shortstop by trade. Did you hear he was DFA’d? I’m sure a few of you remember that meme in the game threads.
featured in: What is Danny Santana?, Danny Santana hits a home run, Area moron: “Eduardo Escobar should of started,” and every game thread for like, two-and-a-half years, thanks to Joel Hernandez.
Third Base: Eduardo Escobar
The best EE to ever play on the South Side of Chicago (fight me.) Escobar quickly become a fan favorite after being traded to Minnesota because of his personality and truth-is-stranger-than-fiction level of quirkiness. Only one person could somehow consider a steakhouse lucky, fear cats, idolize Nic Cage, and be absolutely amazing all at once.
Featured in: Twenty-five Eds, Thursday Twins: If you (re)build it, they will come, Twinkietown Talk: The Eduardo Escobar lives in fear of kittens edition, and most importantly, Eduardo Escobar thanks Twins fans better than any player has ever thanked fans before
Left Field: Delmon Young
Like Punto, the hibachi-chef and circus-baseballer-extraordinaire’s Twins career was mostly in the previous decade, but he was still around for the dawn of this one, and to this day we still write about his bumbling exploits in left.
featured in: Delmon Young Tries New Approach, Uses Hibachi Grill in Left Field During Game, My awful new baseball neighbors, Here is a baseball scaring Delmon Young to death, Rays sign Delmon Young, look to field “nothing but dinks” starting line up
Center Field: Jake Cave
Cave is another guy who would never make an actual all-decade team, but one of the most enduring humor posts around here was inspired by Cave, and that’s good enough for him to take the win in a relatively weak position. Especially because his biggest competition was Dantana.
featured in: Jake Cave optioned to Jake Cave, The ballad of super Jake Cave and his magical uniform
Right Field: Michael Cuddyer
Magic tricks! Need I say more?
featured in: Scenes from “Michael Cuddyer tries to go about his business,” Cuddyer turns down $900 million offer to get the band back together, Don’t let the dimples deceive you
Starting Pitcher: Kyle Gibson
Gibby was among the longest-tenured Twins throughout the decade, so its natural that we compiled some jokes about him. Good-Gibby vs. Bad-Gibby, and TJ’s mancrush were both good material, but Gibson is legendary thanks to Tawny writing the saga of Gibson’s magical balls.
featured in: Twins 4, White Sox 1: Kyle Gibson’s Magical Adventure, Twins 16, Padres 0: Secret of the Seven Dongs, Twins 8, Royals 5: Bomba Against the Machine, all kinds of weird fan-boi stuff TJ wrote
Relief Pitcher: Pat Dean
Or is it “Dat Pean?” Our favorite spoonerism was not-very-good in his one big league season, but made a cameo at spring training this year after a couple years in Asia.
featured in: Minnesota Twins spoonerism rankings, 2019 (but the joke actually made an appearance in the comment sections back in 2016)
Coach: Ron Gardenhire
Most all-decade teams don’t include a coach or manager, but we’ve hung our hats on Gardy fanfiction, and it would be a glaring omission from this list. Sorry Rocco, you’re fun, but Gardy is the clear winner here.
featured in: We have an entire category on the site dedicated to Gardy fanfic, and there is a lot of stuff we’ve forgotten to tag
Did we miss anyone noteworthy? Are there any other old jokes you’d like to reminisce about? Hit the comments!